Its always darkest before the dawn right? Where did the fucking Sun go?

July 19th, 2009by Stoshua18

Well it’s been an interesting time in my life. I’ve spent almost 2 months of it in a mental hospital separated with a girlfriend of almost 3 years, mother of my third son who will be 2 tomorrow.  Started a relationship with another woman who I have to say, I love dearly.  I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I can’t bring myself to live a ‘normal’ life where I am a responsible adult and 9-5 and family one weekends. I left out in disability in December of last year about 3 months after FINALLY seeing a psychiatrist and being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. It was my youngst’s mother that basically forced me to do something about my mood swings and random personality changes, things I just delt with for as long as I could remember.

My family doc started me on citalopram and the psych moved me to Zoloft and lamatical. Things never felt any better and I began to feel progressively worse about things because I TOOK that step, I got help, just like all the directions tell you to.  I’ve had more then enough stress too throw on top of all that as well… I lost my car to repo because of the price of everything skyrocketing, next I barley made enough to feed my son, keep a roof over his head and pay the support for my other 2 boys. I lost our apartment, which was a fucking hole in the wall disaster anyway but it was HOME. Never could get anywhere with the landlord because he was my brother and he too wanted the money to pay HIS bills. I had to suck it up and move back home with my step-mom. First time in 28 years I actually asked for help from my parents.

I never wanted anything from anyone. I always thought I was raised to be self sufficient. If I couldn’t achieve  for myself, I was a failure and that was of course not an option. I asked for a place to stay. I didn’t want it to be more then 3 months at first, but; all the plans for a new apartment fell through and I had no other options.  Once everything finally hit me I was as low as I could be. I was that failure. Things began to suffer at work and I was placed on disability to save my job.

Now I had nothing. My son went to school with his mother and I took to sleeping 20 hours a day and waking like I needed a good long nap. We started to send my boy to school part time to try and save us some money in daycare expenses and to give me more time with him. It was even more of a disaster. I could barley stay awake with him most of the time. Most of the time I could only dwell on when was he going to take his nap so I could get more sleep and when was his mother going to get home to take over.

My step-mom basically became annoyed that I was so lazy. It was very clear to her I was just abusing her and something must be done.  One day when my son was at school I woke with the feeling that I didn’t want to be alone. VERY VERY out of character for me. She took that as a ‘cry for help’. Call your doctor and ask if they might prescribe you something to help you with your anxiety. I thought it was pointless but, because she asked, I did.  My family doc said I should just go to the ER and let them deal with it so I passed that info to her. “Get your shoes,” she said, “I’m taking you to the hospital.” What bullshit.

We got there and I didn’t even know what to tell them why I was there. “He’s very depressed and needs psychiatric attention,” says my mom. Let me tell you, I never got into a room and seen so fast. Of first note I had started self injuring, burning my left arm with cigarettes. That was an obvious red flag for hospital staff. I never knew how many doctors the hospital had in the ER until the 5, yeah, 5 came in to each check my burns for infection and other signs of physical injuries. Then came the social worker. After that twenty minute interview she brought my mom back into the room.

“So where would you like to go?” “What?”, I said. “Well, in your current condition, the hospital feels it would be best if you got some treatment for your depression.” “Oh! I’m fucking crazy and you are telling me that if I don’t ‘allow’ you to find me help, you’re going to ‘get’ me help. Is that what you’re saying?” “Not like that but…” I didn’t even bother to listen to the rest. I knew I was off to the nut hut. I was playing nice so at least they would try to put me where I wanted to go rather then any old place. So I chose the hospital I had heard of since I was a young child, it was the closest to home and WAY better then the state hospital.

Aside from burning with a cigarette, I had actually done a good job of quitting smoking at the time but I made my step-mom go and buy me smokes. I had no idea what to expect and I wasn’t going in totally unprepared.

Well again, two months, a total of 3 hospital stays later, I was out. Now my relationship with my son’s mother was strained beyond repair, my step-mom actually mailed a note to the both of us a day before I went in to the hospital the second time telling us we had used up her hospitality and it was time for some ‘tough love’ and we needed to go.  I was still fighting with my insurance company to pay me some of my short term disability and now I’m being kicked out.

Fuck, I’m just rambling on.

right now, right fucking now I don’t know what to do. I need to see a doc but I can’t afford it because I never got the STD money, my ex got the money in the bank and used it for her and my son to get an apartment. I have been living with my new lady, and she has been very generous which is also killing me inside. I applied fior medical assistance, and found when I was forced to apply for food stamps that the application was ‘misfiled’ so nothing had happened with it in over a month. I got shit from my insurance company that they will not do anything about my long term disability because I need to have doctors fill out the paperwork, which again no money- no doctors. I applied for Social Security and again the doctor pitfall. Now the courts want my ass in jail because I haven’t been paying my child support. My God daughter’s birthday is next Sunday and I had to tell her father that I will be there if I haven’t been hauled off to jail. The court also needs me to see a doctor to fill out paperwork saying I’m disabled. It’s not enough I haven’t been working and have been playing the paperwork game. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FOCUS ON PAPERWORK!?! THIS IS WHY I WAS GETTING SHIT AT WORK, MY FOCUS WAS OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven’t been able to see any of my boys in over 6 weeks and I’m STILL FAILING AT EVERYTHING TO TRY AND CHANGE IT!  OH and btw, because I still have private insurance through work, I was told that getting medical assistance is more then likely not going to happen.

Here is the final problem. I WANT to be dead and gone. My last wishes have all been well explained. There’s no need for a will because whatever money there is would go to pay off my debts.  I’m a burden alive, and a burden dead. HA. My kids are all young enough that their mother’s could find a father figure for them and that would be ok. My girlfriend would be fucked up but she too would be able to move on and keep her focus on her life. Everyone wants to say 29 is young, good then they should all have plenty of time to move on. I don’t need to be here to fuck anything else up. If I were to die the boys would get social security and there would be one less crazy person burdening the system. I’m sure you American tax payers don’t want to take care of me.

Problem is, WHY CAN’T I JUST FUCKING DO IT!?! I’ve attempted it twice before, obvious failures. I tried to hang myself with my school neck tie, fucking thing ripped, and sleeping pills, just slept for 4 days.

I lost my driver’s license because I was just going to drive off the highway into trees and now I think I’d just walk a few blocks and play in traffic on the highway.

WHY CAN’T I JUST DO IT??? I want to go back to a hospital but I don’t everything is just fucked. FUCK. This was supposed to make me feel better, writing it all out but no. I’ve managed to burn myself again and just get more pissed. WHO WANTS TO HELP

Happy birthday Max. I love you and miss you soo much.

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