My Story

July 24th, 2009by kayceekitten

I am a twelve year old girl who has been put through shit in the past few years. I’m not sure where the problem began, but I’m trying my best to find out.

I think it started last August, when my “friend” Shelby and I tried cutting ourselves with sticks. She did it for attention, while I did it because I thought that maybe it might help. Little did I know that I was committing myself to this life (because I’m such an idiot). She made scratches on her arm while I was trying to make it bleed.

In middle school, things started to get worse. I had made friends with thus girl named Zoe (one thing I didn’t mess up on), and we’ve been good friends ever since. But bad things were happening. I noticed that I was more impatient and aggressive, and less happy like I used to be. My friends were slowly slipping away from me, and I never stopped to notice. There were a few, like Zoe, who stayed and tried to help, but she didn’t know how to help.

Then, in March, I successfully cut myself for the first time. I had two other friends who cut (Paige and Zoe) and two who claim they cut (Shelby did and blamed me when she was caught though she was telling everybody, and I know Abby didn’t, otherwise there would be a mark on her arm). Both Zoe and Paige got caught eventually, while I stayed away from the counselor (he fucking scares me!). It’s a wonder why I haven’t gotten caught.

Then I was slowly slipping into depression. After the cutting, I had four failed suicide attempts (obviously I was never going to get hit). I plan, but never actually have the courage to carry out the plans. I want out of this hell, but I hate myself for not leaving here. I have one friend who is being treated for depression, so she tries to help me (though it hasn’t worked yet) and Zoe attempts to help, but she has no clue about what I’m going through.

At my twelth birthday party (May 9) I had Abby, Shelby, Mia, Lily, and Zoe at my house. They got along with each other alright, so I didn’t expect problems except between Abby and Zoe. A half hour later, I’m crying in my sisters’ closet, Zoe tries helping, Mia and Lily act drunk but Mia helps eventually, Shelby listens to my iPod Touch, and Abby talks about how much she wants to have sex with Kyle. Some shitty birthday party, right? Well, then Zoe and I are left out of the other girls’ conversation because, as Shelby says, “There are just too many people in one room”, but I think either her or Abby hate Zoe, so they ditch us. Stupid me for being depressed, I’m such a *****.

Then the summer came. I thought I’d be happier, but now things are worse than ever. My dad is verbally abusive towards me, and not my four other siblings. My friends all hate me, though they claim otherwise. I’m actually thinking of running away. Worst of all, I’m the total outcast in the school. I used to do my best in school, but now, though I’m still an excellent student, my grades are slipping. I used to get all A’s and A+’s, but now I mainly get A-‘s and B+’s. I don’t even try anymore. I guess it’s mainly because I’m an idiot, like my dad implies. My dad has said more hurtful things than that. I’ve been called a *****, a stupid hippie, lesbian, a loser, hey says that 90% of my friends will be on drugs or pregnant by high school, plus he threatens to put me in a boarding school, move in with my great aunt who lives two hours away, or put me up for adoption.

It’s official. My life is hell. Go ahead, make fun of me like almost everyone in my school does. I don’t care.

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