Not Here

  July 29th, 2009 by abilitykay

alright, this is my first post…..

i just found about this site a few minutes ago

i googled ‘suicide’ and this is it.

i’ll try and make it straight and plain.

i just don’t feel like anything matters. yes, i try my best and i am a good student and i always try to be a good friend. but there’s always been this thought inside my head, everytime i close my eyes or try to sleep, the thought “i don’t belong here. i don’t want to be here anymore.”

To try and describe the way i feel, i’m hysterically crying and i can’t stop thinking about those thoughts. I recognize as well that while sitting there crying, there’s no one there to my rescue. because the one person who was there before, said that he needed time to himself, and that he does so much for me and i never do anything for him.

so i’m scared if i tell him, he’ll just get mad at me and leave me, but it honestly doesn’t matter cause i already feel alone anyways.

i really don’t understand these feelings but when they come on i can’t stop them anymore. I don’t want to be cared for, or congratulated, or told that i have so much to live for, cause to me everything just feels like nothing now and it won’t go away. In public, i’m usually a happy person, but then when concealed i find myself bawling my eyes out. i really don’t want this, this thing called life, is just not for me.

I don’t care if i succeed, or if i’m loved anymore. Everything just feels so empty.

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