On the edge of giving up.

  September 13th, 2009 by Peace

Well, i’ve done it, i have dumped my girlfriend, i wont repost it but you can search for the thread: Feeling weak and pathetic

I decided to give life a 2nd try, life doesnt circle around love yet it hurts alot when you are broken but now it feels like my past is catching up with me again and i am really tierd of being alone..

Im not talking about getting a new girlfriend, i’ve lost a friend due to “love”. I just wanted someone to talk to, someone who i could talk about bunch of things with, someone to speak to when i feel awful and when i feel happy.

It feels like i’ve become something else, im not depressed yet im not happy, i cant feel much anymore, i can watch a comedy without even smiling, when someone says a joke i put on a fake smile and alittle Ha-ha just so the person wont feel unease.  But now im tierd, im tierd of faking, im tierd of acting something im not, i think of suicide but i try not to focus on it, im really trying my best, i try to be social to get new connections since im so tierd of being alone.

I just realized that no one remembers me, i got a cold right now (not that it really matters) but i’ve only been lying in bed listening to music and checking my cell, i got used to reciving or texting with 3 people pretty often but 2 of them is slipping away and 1 is feeling guilty if she does the same so she sticks around.

Im considering to lie to her so she wont feel guilty to break the cords with me aswell, i understand that theres no one that wants to talk since i got nothing more to talk about than a sad past and a bitter future.

what i hate the most is that i’ve only experienced 20 years in this world and i can only remember sad and depressing things about my past, i have some highlights aswell but they arent that long and i dont really know much else to talk about so because of that i dont have that many friends.

i know that during younger years everything seems to be the end of the world but with everything i’ve experienced i’ve made a person that has experienced rape feeling guilty of feeling bad for themselfs.. i mean, what kind of hell do i need to go through next, it seems like i have done everything in my power to become happy yet it feels like im becoming a cold and heartless person and thats the least i want to be..

I’ve been excercising for 2 years, i’ve used chatrooms, forums and also went to partys. I’ve spent money on people i dont know in hope that they would like me yet i know that buying friends doesnt solve anything..

To say this simple, im tierd of being a loner, im tierd of being the slave for my family doing erands, make food or such things, sure i get rewarded by getting a new cell phone, a computer an ipod but i cant enjoy them, love cant be bought, joy cant be bought… Im seeking acceptance, im seeking an end to this pain, im seeking for something i cant seem to find… The only resolution to my problems seem to be suicide.

Im starting to get healthy soon so im going to try get some anti depressive and then continue heading to partys and trying to get social.

I’ve been trying for 3 years to fix my life and it might take a lifetime to fix things, but i dont think i can last that long since i see no purpose or goal in trying to fix things for a lifetime, im not going to live 10 more years trying to fix everything that has happend, i’ll only find myself as a lone 30 year old guy with some shallow friendships (i will probably act just to get them..) thinking back to my younger years wich supposed to be the “glory days” of a persons lifetime when everything was possible and then look at the current status seeing myself living in a empty appartment and a mediocre job and dreaming away just to survive the day.

Is there anyone else out there that feels the same? Is there anyone else struggeling with the same emotions and likely same past as me or am i really alone. Yes you might think “havnt he checked this site totally”?

Yes i have and most people suffer alot from love, i know how it feels yet i’ve felt this way even when i didnt have a glimse of love in my life and i think i wont be getting anymore chances, my ex was also suicidal and that was as far i coud come.. the reason we could talk alot was because of both our pasts and we just wanted to talk but now i’ve lost her.

I know im jumping through subjects but i cant really think that clear, theres so much to write and i dont even know if someone’s going to read it.. i’ve even written down several pages in a document on my computer aswell as a suicide note and a death note with things to finnish before i commit suicide.

You might aswell notice that im misspelling some words but im not living in an english country so i try my best to write properly.

If there would be someone to perhaps talk to it would be nice, i can listen to your problems, it makes me forget about my problems actually even tho i’d tend to bring up some of my past when you start asking me things.

There might be a chance that i post here again, if not im hoping i’ve found something positive in life to follow or commited suicide.

Bye for now…

//Peace

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