Well, i’ve done it, i have dumped my girlfriend, i wont repost it but you can search for the thread: Feeling weak and pathetic
I decided to give life a 2nd try, life doesnt circle around love yet it hurts alot when you are broken but now it feels like my past is catching up with me again and i am really tierd of being alone..
Im not talking about getting a new girlfriend, i’ve lost a friend due to “love”. I just wanted someone to talk to, someone who i could talk about bunch of things with, someone to speak to when i feel awful and when i feel happy.
It feels like i’ve become something else, im not depressed yet im not happy, i cant feel much anymore, i can watch a comedy without even smiling, when someone says a joke i put on a fake smile and alittle Ha-ha just so the person wont feel unease. But now im tierd, im tierd of faking, im tierd of acting something im not, i think of suicide but i try not to focus on it, im really trying my best, i try to be social to get new connections since im so tierd of being alone.
I just realized that no one remembers me, i got a cold right now (not that it really matters) but i’ve only been lying in bed listening to music and checking my cell, i got used to reciving or texting with 3 people pretty often but 2 of them is slipping away and 1 is feeling guilty if she does the same so she sticks around.
Im considering to lie to her so she wont feel guilty to break the cords with me aswell, i understand that theres no one that wants to talk since i got nothing more to talk about than a sad past and a bitter future.
what i hate the most is that i’ve only experienced 20 years in this world and i can only remember sad and depressing things about my past, i have some highlights aswell but they arent that long and i dont really know much else to talk about so because of that i dont have that many friends.
i know that during younger years everything seems to be the end of the world but with everything i’ve experienced i’ve made a person that has experienced rape feeling guilty of feeling bad for themselfs.. i mean, what kind of hell do i need to go through next, it seems like i have done everything in my power to become happy yet it feels like im becoming a cold and heartless person and thats the least i want to be..
I’ve been excercising for 2 years, i’ve used chatrooms, forums and also went to partys. I’ve spent money on people i dont know in hope that they would like me yet i know that buying friends doesnt solve anything..
To say this simple, im tierd of being a loner, im tierd of being the slave for my family doing erands, make food or such things, sure i get rewarded by getting a new cell phone, a computer an ipod but i cant enjoy them, love cant be bought, joy cant be bought… Im seeking acceptance, im seeking an end to this pain, im seeking for something i cant seem to find… The only resolution to my problems seem to be suicide.
Im starting to get healthy soon so im going to try get some anti depressive and then continue heading to partys and trying to get social.
I’ve been trying for 3 years to fix my life and it might take a lifetime to fix things, but i dont think i can last that long since i see no purpose or goal in trying to fix things for a lifetime, im not going to live 10 more years trying to fix everything that has happend, i’ll only find myself as a lone 30 year old guy with some shallow friendships (i will probably act just to get them..) thinking back to my younger years wich supposed to be the “glory days” of a persons lifetime when everything was possible and then look at the current status seeing myself living in a empty appartment and a mediocre job and dreaming away just to survive the day.
Is there anyone else out there that feels the same? Is there anyone else struggeling with the same emotions and likely same past as me or am i really alone. Yes you might think “havnt he checked this site totally”?
Yes i have and most people suffer alot from love, i know how it feels yet i’ve felt this way even when i didnt have a glimse of love in my life and i think i wont be getting anymore chances, my ex was also suicidal and that was as far i coud come.. the reason we could talk alot was because of both our pasts and we just wanted to talk but now i’ve lost her.
I know im jumping through subjects but i cant really think that clear, theres so much to write and i dont even know if someone’s going to read it.. i’ve even written down several pages in a document on my computer aswell as a suicide note and a death note with things to finnish before i commit suicide.
You might aswell notice that im misspelling some words but im not living in an english country so i try my best to write properly.
If there would be someone to perhaps talk to it would be nice, i can listen to your problems, it makes me forget about my problems actually even tho i’d tend to bring up some of my past when you start asking me things.
There might be a chance that i post here again, if not im hoping i’ve found something positive in life to follow or commited suicide.
Bye for now…
//Peace
10 comments
go get a xbox 360 and get live for it.
Befor I hade a 360 I hated everything and everyone but then I found frend, lot of them, and befor I kenw it I found people at my school that had a 360.
You can say games make you lazy but it saved my life.
hey dude, you just need God
nothing in life is really going to satisfy you, nothing of this world. you may become social but not happy. happiness is only through God.
if you want a friend or someone to talk to, you can email me to start a conversation. daniellopez2316@ymail.com
thanks for reading
bitterness and an empty hearts where im headed as well, always looking for someone to fight against it with. choffelder1029@hotmail.com
Maybe you should try not looking at the past. I know it’s hard but if you wanna make new friends you gotta let go of what is holding you back. That doesnt mean that you should completly forget your past cuz maybe you’ll meet someone who is going through what you went through and you could totaly help them. It’s wonderful that you’re working on getting better but in order to be completly cured you have to forget what’s making you suffer. Try not to lie to people no matter how much it may bug them…once you lie to someone you can’t stop lying. I hope you find someone you can talk to.
-Wish for the past,
Savie.
well i hope your still alive to read this i know about losing all hope my life has been down hill for as long as i can remember havent had female contact in over 6 1/2 years since my marriage went to hell found a girl on internet and in my vulnerable state fell for her hard even thou she lived on other side of world and theres no chance i would ever see her then as we talked she started dating for real and i felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest i know how pathetic i must seem but if my misery can help one person then i will have done at least one thing right the worst part of it all is that i cut her completely out of my life and truth be told i miss my friend and i feel no joy only pain and loneliness i sleep as much as i can because its the only time im not suicidel i have lost hope and cant see any light in future but am afraid to die so im kind of in a catch22 dont want to live scared to die any suggestions would be welcome tim.bow.5@hotmail.com
Dude! I feel exactly like you! I’ve already spent 18 years of my life in some stupid boring small town and I broke up with my depressed girlfriend (I was with her for 3 years, she admitted to making out and who knows what with another guy just before our first year. That hurt) and I feel alone and everything just like you. Numb, It’s strange cause I use to be this hardcore christian and praised God every single day of my life. From birth to like 15 years old. Now I’m extremely upset with God. Anyway, I’m writing a novel and do a lot of digital painting and that seems to help. I’m hoping that through writing my novel concerning suicide, life, and such I can find an answer to all of this. There has to be an answer. For the last few months I have been desperately looking for a girl. Yet, I just finally told myself, I don’t want one. I need to work on myself. So that is what I am trying to do. I guess I would much rather live a sad life looking for the answer so when it is my time to die naturally, I will know if there was an answer or not. I don’t know man….shiz is all messed up. Perhaps life is just some pointless thing that we mine as well make the best of cause it’s hilarious. Honestly though…maybe that is what makes life beautiful. Yet, what is beauty? I don’t know man….Isn’t it so hilarious! If anything at least we can laugh at that. 🙂
SWEET MAN!!!!!!, forget the x box or god, you are very courageous to be honest and as far as i know, ”suicide” is a word in the dictionary and when people they hear it, they run away. thus when someones acts it, they all raise their arms up the sky coz in the back of their mind, they truly know it could be them sometimes and it tells us how much that society is in a poor shape. Stay strong and acknowledge all those repressed emotions, look at it with courage and do not pray or buy an xbox or try to get more meaningless relation ship with people you don’t even care in the first place. have a global look at what humanity is with the whole range of emotion including greed, jealousy, uselessness , emptiness, anger, beauty, loneliness. explore the whole world of what we are. become one, then you ll define yourself, do not run away from those emotions they ‘ll run after you, your sadness is set up in that escape ( but it takes time, you are just processing at the moment and it seems endless). when people say ”oh i don t kill my self because i ll hurt people who love me”. first of all they ain ‘t in your soul to feel on daily bases what you are going through, second of all, the day you will die like all of us naturally, your relatives they ‘ll have to grief as well. suicide is only a sate of mind, and i truly believe ( and that s why so many people chew over the concept and do not kill themselves) than deep down nobody wants to do it. it s a very agonizing state and you struggle to get out of it simply to make your life as its fullest meaning. you just didn’ t find it yet. the positive aspect about it, is that you actually confront that notion, rather than all ignorant who purchase item after item, hang out with false friends and they do call that a life. see yourself from another perspective/ so i think you are on the right path. keep on to say what you feel, regardless what people think about it. you will find a range of friends who look at you and appreciate you for what you are without judging your state of mind. i am gonna say bye now, but as a little exercice, set your self in front of a mirror , look at you quietly straight in your own eyes without being disturbed, and let blossom some type of beauty, or good thinking , or compassion, or good action you can do tomorrow. look really closely at yourself, i guaranty you gonna find you very attractive and beautiful and you will attract another range of people in your life and will actually enjoy to be yourself. but if you do the opposite ( just try if you want), think angry, negative and observe your face, i am pretty sure you ll look agly. we are what we think, be courageous sweetie, i am sure there is a lot of full happiness for you around the corner.
i had a awful childhood as well, i do struggle with my up and downs, i am 36 but i am surrounded by pretty people even i ve been single of my life and want to kill my self for that reason . when i go dark , i think than i will never be a mother or any lover will love me, and it s unbearable. but there is the rest.
The most important thing you can do is change your surroundings (I think that goes for a lot of people on here) – if you can take a part-time job somewhere with a lot of people arond – somewhere social – or volunteer in an organisation – something that gives you a purpose, it is a great step towards feeling a hell of a lot better.
Somethings work for some people, ie God or an xbox, but from my own experience the only thing that REALLY helps and can be a long term soloution is to be around people.
It can be difficult, and frightening to leave the house a lot of the time, but in FORCING yourself to do so, and treating your depression as an enemy that has frustrated you and stands in your way of happiness you will find that doing things to fight it feels good. It can feel really REALLY good, esepecially if they are things that frightened you.
It’s important to remember that other people are important to other people. That whatever you desire or wish for usually revolves around others, be it their love, friendship of adoration.
Don’t ALLOW your depression to get in the way of you having good people around you. There isn’t a town or city on earth that doesn’t house good people – good people are attracted to one another – but you have to put yourself out in the world despite how horribe it is- because that’s where happiness lives – it’s not indoors and it’s not going to come looking for you.
hey if you ever feel like talking email me
bjsformanek3@hotmail.com
i would love to listen to your stories and chat
I would have to strongly agree with k3tk3tk3t. God brings an inner peace that nothing else can. Family and friends leave and aren’t there at all times, but God is. He loves you and wants to claim you as him own, what a beautiful thing. :)♥ He allowed his son to die so that you could live life more abundantly, and what better way then to let him into that life to fill it with joy. ^_^♥
I was originally looking for song lyrics, and came across this post and it touched me, as i have a bit in common with you… Servant around the house, do the dishes make meals and such… Got the mp3 player, computer, and “friends”.. It’s really hard to just devote time to yourself and God, just to let it grow… But if you do it will be the best choice of your life. I promise you. He brings such joy and happiness… Life isn’t perfect, and it never will be, but it’ll be a little more pleasant knowing that the one who created you is there for you and wanting you for himself. When the world leaves you alone, he’ll be there waiting for your attention. 🙂
I would love to talk to you if you would like to talk to me, or just want another friend. 🙂
My myspace is http://www.myspace.com/jf13 or my msn/yahoo is raspberryfreak14@hotmail.com & raspberryfreak14@yahoo.com you can add me to a messenger. I’m on msn a lot more though. =] got an aol account pretty much the same thing lol. raspberryfreak14@aol.com hehe 🙂
God bless and thank you for taking time to write this and read my reply.♥