Hi. This is my first time posting here. My life was okay, always dark; but i never knew true darkness and depression until my friend killed himself in varsity. That destroyed me. Since then my dad died, my best friend has tried to kill himself, my other best best friend was/is becoming an alcoholic. But nevermind mind that. It was 6 months after my dad that I got really messed up. I couldn’t work any more, started suffering from post traumatic stress, panic attacks.. my girlfriend of 5 years left me too. Spent all my moving out money on trying to get better. Found out i had bi polar 2. Yeah, everything was just great. But i had a code after my friend killed himself, i saw how it destroyed everyone around him; so i vowed to never kill myself. So i worked hard and eventually i was out of bed and i managed to get my job back. But i wasn’t happy, i was just wearing masks. Then more deaths. And as i have found out, death is my trigger. I’m not coping at work. I can hardly cope at home. My masks are cracked and falling. I break down all the time. I hurt everyone i love. I constantly think bad things. My medicine costs a fortune and really i don’t think it helps. The only thing that helps is huge doses of calming things like benzo’s. My body is just immune to everything. This code i have… i’m starting to rethink it. I don’t know if i can do this for another 40 years. I’m in constant pain – mentally and physically. Everyday i wake up to migraines. The doctors and specialists can’t figure that out either. I have people to talk to, I’ve done everything I possibly can do.. so what now?