I feel so tired that I wish I could just go to sleep one last time and never wake up again, that would be soo nice right now. And it’s not just a tiredness caused by too many late nights, trust me, it goes much deeper than that. Basically I’ve grown so world weary that I’m tired of life itself and now quite at my wits end for the incessant doubts, fears and anger have really taken their toll on me. Sometimes I think this is all just a bad nightmare and one day I’m going to wake up and everything will be fine, but I never do… for it’ll never let me go, not ever. So I’ve come to accept that now and is why I’ve ultimately chosen to take that drastic step of last resort when I finally get the opportunity, the step that everybody here is contemplating but only a few of us will go through with… as I do honestly think that’s the only way to solve this depressing problem. Having to deal with the unpredictable ups and downs each day really has become rather draining, and I would think that any reasonable person would have to agree that experiencing a thousand and one emotions every single day is an utterly untenable state of affairs to be condemned to live with?
God it’s hard to explain how tired I am of the negative thoughts constantly racing through my head at a million miles an hour, and of feeling like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster ride that never ends. Or of how I wish this mind numbing, heart breaking, confidence sapping existence could all be over as soon as it possibly can. Regrettably it’s now got to such a nauseating point of despair that the pain never ever stops or gives me a moment’s rest, even when I’m fast asleep. In a strange dreamlike way my life’s kinda like this surreal sequence of bad thoughts, horrible memories and mood swings that keep on flashing and looping through my warped little mind over and over again. And for the life of me no matter what I do, I just can’t escape from that vicious cycle. Sometimes when I’m in one of my more reflective spells I think well at this age I’m now much closer to 41 than I am to 31 so why not consider sticking around for another four more years, just to be really sure, but then I think no thanks it just isn’t worth it in the long run! Though for me when all is said and done the saddest thing of all is that inevitably my closest friends are the ones who’ll pay the dearest price for the culmination of my inner struggle… and wow, that’s soo not okay! Then again in life I always hurt them anyway and no matter how nice they are I usually end up ruining absolutely everything they do for me, because there’s no escaping the fact that I’m an incredibly toxic person to be around. So I mean seriously that’s fucked up and a truly ghastly way to treat those who I’m meant to love, for they deserve alot better than what I’m offering them!
Yours Wearily, Shelly.
6 comments
Shelly,
You sound like you are bi-polar. A generic term for people who have varying degrees with mood swings and can exhibit obsessiviness in a lot of thoughts and actions.
My son was just diagnosed as bi-polar and I am struggling with a life long depression- currently in a down swing. I don’t know what it is like to have horrible dreams and wildly emotions, so I don’t know what you and my son are going through. But I do have many friends – my age- in their 40s who have started dealing with their problems and worked to find medications that control a lot of these things. Limctal is one.
Funny. I found this site because I wanted to find something about how to kill myself and I end up giving advice. Don’t worry. I don’t really expect anybody to take it- especially when it wasn’t asked for. But if you want to help your friends, you have to help yourself first.
i agree with ontherazersedge. find something to help center you, be it some medication (doctor prescribed) or a close friend to confide in. i have my fair share of horrible dreams… emotions i know how hard it can be to be way down a lot. try getting a good therapist. if that doesnt work try medication. if that doesnt work start meditating. just try anything to level out. im on prozac and it really helps center my mood.
You both sound like really nice people, so thanks for your advice. But the thing is I’ve literally tried everything from about a dozen different psych meds to multiple stays in psych wards, even longterm therapy with a great psychologist who’s kinda like a dad to me. Yet nothing has helped alleviate the pain, sure I don’t self harm or disassociate anymore and I haven’t been in hospital in ages… but the chronic problems deep down inside remain as awfully potent as ever. And I’m soo tired now cuz this struggle has ruined my life in almost every imaginable way; I’m an unemployed misfit living on the margins of society in a situation that at the moment is looking bleaker and more uncertain than ever, and I see no other way out. So it really doesn’t matter if I suicide this year or in four years cuz it’s an inevitability, I’m pretty well fucked either way…
Anyways thank you both, take care of yourselves okay!!! =)
This wasn’t really a serious post at all, just an impromptu rant to vent off steam during one of my darker manic episodes… haha, a thousand and one emotions in one day about sums me up perfectly! Umm I’m already thinking about deleting it, though I’ll have to sleep on it first… O.o
Shelly, without devaluing what you’ve said, I must tell you that I feel the same way. You’ve put it pretty fairly. I know what it’s like, especially the inevitability part. I don’t know if you’re bipolar, though. Realize that anyone who’s bipolar has to have a manic state that lasts 3 days or longer which will help classify it as bipolar 1 or 2. If it’s less than that, especially hour to hour where your moods fluctuate, then it isn’t a diagnosable term. I know because I’ve been told that. It’s just depression and nonsense.
Maybe you should try “mindfulness technique” and I’m going to make a video about that tomorrow. Idk Shelly, I see what you mean and it sounds bleak to me too from what I’ve read. Then I see your last comment on here and I imagine that you were in a better mood when you posted it. I don’t think you should delete this. You just wait…you know pretty well that you’re probably going to be upset again later, be it a day or a week, and you’re going to want to post a whole new one up while cursing that you deleted the old.
Well thank you TD! I didn’t delete it except for the I’m so, I’m so part which was to be honest rather silly psychobabble…
I’ve had quite a few different diagnoses from Bipolar Disorder to Atypical Depression to Anaclitic Depression to Borderline Personality to Body Dysmorphia and even Complex-PTSD, lol, but yeah I don’t really know either and nor do I think the mental health peeps who’ve worked with me over the years. That is except my psychologist who’s been a steady guiding hand to me, and who probably knows me better than almost anyone else I’ve worked with. Anyways thanks, peace!!! ^_^