I just got back from dinner with my family.
And I’ve witnessed & observed an ‘event’, that might seem just ordinary perhaps to many people there, and even to my family members,..but certainly NOT to me:
We just got back from quite a ‘cozy’ new restaurant/semi-lounge that my brother’s friend just opened up.
And there I saw many people, mostly young, around my age or so (I’m 28 btw),..and lo & behold, they’re all seem so happy, socializing with their friends, tucked in their office uniforms, with beers at hand, and I’ve catched the conversations mostly are revolving around jobs, making money, how to make more money, business (although some seems to flirt around with some girls, also in office/professional uniform).
But you know what’s the strangest thing is?…
I feel painful.
Yes.
I feel painful, because at around the same age,..I can’t seem to RELATE with them!!It’s like I’m living in a VERY, totally different world from them!!…
Like what Jentttar wrote so beautifully in her post here http://suicideproject.org/2010/09/philosophy-and-hope/
all I ever want, yearn, and what can moves my heart so much is NOT the money-talks, NOT the big-business talks (even my younger brother and my parents seems sooo excited to keep talking about these things,…but I CAN’T !!!)
What I want is just simple things:
1. Family, friends, who genuinely care & love each other, without any ‘big-MONEY/business’ talks for every 4-5 minutes, and being judgemental, judging each other’s status & ACHIEVEMENTS, which what seriously fucking separate otherwise SAME creature/species: a fellow human being on this planet!
2. A job that I LOVE doing,..where I can feel & experience so much passion & happiness (in my case, to simply be a Musician/songwriter/composer), and to be able to share the beauty, inspirations with others,
..instead of being ‘told’ that I am born so I can “become a damn MACHINE working for the SYSTEM!…until I’m old, and dead”.
Instead of being constantly compared in MONEY and STATUS and ACHIEVEMENTS to other people around my age!!
Instead of being looked down, frowned upon, because my deepest, heartfelt passion (in Music) is NOT going to “make a lot of MONEY!!!”, and “will embarass my Big family” (as typical in Asian/Chinese culture here), embarass this, embarass that yada yada yada…..fuck, can’t I even DO that in my Life????
3. To be happy, and I mean genuinely happy, for Living, and to be born on this beautiful blue planet called Earth.
To see beauty in Nature
To connect with other fellow human beings, regardless of status, race, skin color, physical attributes, economic background, $$$ in the pocket, etc etc.
To love each other.
We are all ONE.
To really able to share, and also to marvel at beautiful & heartfelt human’s creations, such as Arts, Music, Science.
Instead of being happy by FAKING smiles, by carrying this latest, newest or popular brand of clothing, bags, cars, trendy latest gadgets, towers, apartment, living at the 48th floor in a most luxurious apartment/condo, house with jacuzzi, etc etc.
Instead of being happy by getting the most prestigious title, job, high-paying jobs (at the dear cost of our health and sincere, genuine happiness!!), and feel that I’ve “win” against my fellow peers at such a young age, become a young executive in high-rise building, constantly walking with ties & suits, yada yada yada yada…
NO !!!!
I just want those three simple things I’ve mentioned above….
Can’t I have it?
Or no,…most mainstream society (& majority of people) WON’T even let me do it?? Why…..is it WRONG for me to think like that??…..am I going to be viewed as ‘weird’ or even a ‘LOSER’ for not being competitive enough, not like my peers that all seems to chase and chase for higher status, jobs/careers, climbing the ladders, $$$ ???
Why can’t I have just these simple things in life, people???
I just sit there….and felt painfully alone….while all the noises & chatty conversations in that new ‘cozy’ restaurant/semi-lounge seems to get blurry & blurry…. I just felt so damn alone…and ‘weird’ for thinking SIMPLE things like that!…
No, it seems that I am NOT permitted to think SIMPLE things like that these days.
It seems that I *have* to get BUSY, competitive, being ‘greedy’ enough to get most MONEY, to LOVE Money, to search for a high-paying job (or business, or “projects”) and work until late at midnight, so I can get so many people (& my big family) to be wowed “look at my son/nephew” whatever,..to get praised by my fellow friends, peers, and probably to get newest cars, gadgets etc etc so I can get girls interested in me and quickly get married, have kids, more wowed “congratulations you have TWO kids now”, compared to my cousins or peers at my age, climb again for higher ladder/status, more high-paying MONEY, status, kissing someone’s ass, until I got to 40, have so many empires, wheee….”look at MEEE!”, buy my kids & wife lots of expensive newest brand of clothes, cars, gadgets, you name it, then I grow old, retire, getting sick, and die…..leaving all my “empires” behind,…and two years after I die, “everything’s back to normal”, and now it’s my kids’ turn to be COMPARED, JUDGED with each other,………..and “life goes on” !
Is this all what we’re born to this world/beautiful planet for ???……
Is this all the purpose of Humanity & Mankind ???…….
I feel damn alone. like an alien, not ‘belong’ to this my very own Planet & fellow human beings & Mother Nature that I love so much,…sadly.
6 comments
I don’t understand why people who value simpler things in life must be outcast and made to feel “defective” when its really this society/culture that is defective. I hate this world.
Hi Niki, this what you wrote;
“I just sit there….and felt painfully alone….while all the noises & chatty conversations in that new ‘cozy’ restaurant/semi-lounge seems to get blurry & blurry…. I just felt so damn alone”
This is me all the time. But my reasons are slightly different to yours;
Mainstream society doesn’t annoy me as much as it seems to annoy so many people on this site, I don’t mind being lost in a crowd, i am used to it. All I want is just one honest and sincere face somewhere in sight. I’m intense enough to be happy with just one other person who I can be with, who understands me. If I had that then I could nip in and out of the mainstream society thing more often. I am easily overwhelmed so I am okay with the fact that the ‘majority’ aren’t like me. But at the moment, I don’t have anyone in the flesh who I can really talk to and bounce off. I find that my throat actually starts hurting when I am constantly talking bullshit back at people and I get headaches.
I can’t understand why everyone in my life is so consumed with nonsense. I can talk about celebrity gossip and handbags and sex, but I also like to talk about real issues and feelings. No-one tells the truth. I find myself with a fat beating heart because a tramp sincerely asks me for a couple of quid and I see his eyes and expression and there’s no bullshit about him and I know it sounds MENTAL but I would love to sit and hear his story more than I would love to hear about my best friends day. I am so sensitive to movement, I find the truth I need in movements, a thousand words go over my head if the eyes don’t match up. I can be sitting with a crowd in a cafe and find myself staring at the cashier and wondering what she’s thinking (because she’s ‘thinking’ she is telling the truth with her eyes) aggh you probably don’t understand what I’m going on about, i’m rambling now.
To be honest, I find it rather amusing to watch the mainstream, scrabbling at each other, it reminds me of a scene in a manga movie that I love where a little girl watches her parents eating and turning into pigs before her eyes. That’s how I see society. But, and this is important, I don’t hate those people, nor do I feel sorry for them, they are happy and isn’t that what we all want. People shouldn’t be slagged off being happy in this world.
You ask what the purpose of humanity and mankind is . . well if we knew that we would be doing it, and everybody’s truth is different. But THAT’S the answer right there, the purpose (I think) is to find your truth. My truth is that (and I have mentioned this many times before so I will brief it) I would like the OPTION to make my own choices and not be forced into anything. I would like a shot a happiness, mine isn’t found in the mainstream and I feel it very unfair that I have to shut up and put up or fuck off. I find that immoral and disrespectful of life. I respect the fact that people find happiness in the system so why can’t others grant me the same respect to opt out?
When you talk of what you love to do and whether or not you will make money from that, I believe everyone has natural talents and rarely are they in line with jobs offered in society so most people go about their daily lives greatly compromising themselves.
Everyone is capable and made up of a pure love. Unfortunately most have been brainwashed into thinking that it is the ego and it must be fed from a catalogue. We can only access our purest love when we are truly free, everything else is a compromised, savaged and damaged ‘love’. I, as I’m sure you are too, is someone that has felt pure love all my life and that’s why I cannot settle into the pig pen. When you are free and loving you can’t help but use your natural talents in abundance. That’s what the system is not allowing us, the freedom to really grow and come together, because if we do, we would all naturally remove the shackles and we wouldn’t suffer. We have the ability to build, create, heal and all for the return of the same in exchange – not money! We don’t need money. We can still have ‘things’ in abundance but they would be created by ourselves and exchanged with others.
Whilst I say this, I also respect the fact that many people LOVE money and that’s their prerogative. I think we could have two worlds simultaneously on this one planet working side by side. But unfortunately, we are not wanted by them. Money has drugged them and clouded their minds and they no longer have them open. So yes, we will suffer until this current age ceases to be like it has a million other times.
Thanks for your response btw, of course you should fly to London silly, get your coat, do it now!!! I’ll put the kettle on daaaarling 🙂
Seriously though, whilst I’m still breathing in and out, I would love to see you.
I hope you don’t mind me saying but right here we have two very similar and lovely souls (Niki & Jentttar) you sound so alike and in need of the same thing, isn’t it wonderful that you have met here? It is wonderful to read what is written in this post, it has really touched me deeply. I wonder if you both are ‘old souls’ ? or ‘light workers’.
@Jentttar: oh my god, that line “I can be sitting with a crowd in a cafe and find myself staring at the cashier and wondering what she’s thinking”, that’s also ME!! so I *do* understand what you’re ‘rambling’ about! 😀
And is that “Spirited Away” the manga movie/anime that you mentioned?? I LOVE that movie!!
We have so much in common!
which is why I want to respond to Harmonia:
@Harmonia: It is indeed wonderful that I’m able to meet similar, like-minded souls here. It’s like someone said here, knowing that I’m not alone in all of this is sometimes *enough* to make me still want to BREATHE and live, and to connect more with like-minded souls!
And yes, I think I am an ‘old soul’, and also a ‘light worker’
In fact, I’ve just recently joined this beautiful website here http://lightworkers.org/
(my god…how come you knew and can *guessed* about this fact, Harmonia??..it’s funny of how ‘inter-connected’ Life and things can be sometimes!)
Niki: It’s not hard to guess from the words that you and she wrote and when you wrote to each other it was like POW! Two wonderful Indigo children sharing deep and beautiful emotions. It makes life worth living my dear to see this amongst the ‘pig pen’ that jentttar so wonderfully described it. Reading your words gives me a clear picture of you both in my mind, I KNOW you both and it makes me smile very much. don’t underestimate your great talent of pure and true expression. I can see through BS for miles, in the first line of text I see BS.
@Harmonia: thanks so much for saying that.
Unfortunately, the matter of fact is living as an ‘Indigo’ (or ‘old soul’, ‘lightworker’) is not an easy thing/task in this corrupt & superficial world…it’s damn heavy, and sometimes I’m really wondering until when I can keep *continue* living with such heavy burdens, until I’ve gotten to the darkest point-of-no-return where I would eventually just off myself too..
I’ve said in my previous post about two weeks to 1 month ago, that the only *HOPE* I have now is waiting for *some things* to happen, the climax is said to be Year 2012. whether this is BS, bogus etc, I can’t know 100%,..but I guess I’d be willing to believe what’ve been said so much. it’s how damn HOPEFUL I am with all these things/predictions to come true to this messed-up society & humanity.
Harmonia, are you also an ‘old soul’, ‘lightworker’ urself?
if u don’t mind, can I ask for your email address?
I will shortly post a new topic with some names that I’m interested to have more personal contact with. Perhaps then we could think/do something about all of this ‘world problems’.