Suicidal Again…

I was reading a book for the first time in like 6 months, yet I’m in sophomore year in high school. It’s called happyface, plot is a nerdy boy and his parents leave each other and leaves everything behind and he makes new friends and is happy. I got more than halfway through and hes at his depressed point, his girlfriend cheated on him with his older bro and his bro died driving drunk and his girlfriend was in the car… She survived, but she wanted to talk to him and he says (while drunk) he hates her because he loves her so much… Makes me think of Nycolle, except I never even had a chance in the beginning… I am at my moms apartment 2nd floor and imagined jumping out headfirst and comptemplated it. I had an urge to do it, my grades are failing, I have no motivation for anything and just want to die. I’m stupid, I asphyxiate myself, I’m in love with my cousin, I can’t do anything by myself, I need to be pushed constantly in the right direction… but that’s my pessimistic view.
I’m nice (but most people are too), I am a good friend (but can’t keep a secret, spill my guts out to anyone who asks me, and I ain’t very fun to be with) I am… Idk what good qualities for me, my cousin ditched me when I was supposed to meet her at the mall, because apparently her friend didn’t want me to hang out with them. That ruined all my plans because I love spending time with her.
I’d rather throw my life away. I smoked my first cig, I’m not addicted, luckily (even though luck ain’t my strong suit) but it felt good even though I was alone when I did it… I love my current gf, but she lives an hour and a half away, and she’s sick… Fuck my life, maybe I should jump out the window even though it’s not a sure sign but at least let me break something so I can suffer and cry about it and not go to school and come closer to being literally the piece of broken shit I am… So someone tell me what to do so I can do it for five minutes and wait for u to push me again, just try to avoid hitting the walls, my face hurts from my dad bitchslappin me a couple months ago, but I deserved that and I only got my ass kicked 2 times after that, don’t worry everyone knows he deserves father of the year, just by looking at my brainwashed lil brother