new guy

hi, im new. well, here at least. not to the situation.
it started when i was a child. my mother used to have a joke that half of our family is addicted to alcohol, the other half is suicidal. well, it seems i got the best of both worlds: i started to drink at 19 and tried to overdose myself with sedative pills a few moths later. cannot went through with it back then, i throwed up most if it half hour later.
a few years passed with heavy drinking an no more attempts – good times those were. i thought im over it, it was just a teenage thing, whatever, im ok now.
boy was i wrong.
2006 autumn: here comes depression. a few months later nervous breakdown.
i literaly drove myself to nervous breakdown. all it took was some stress at work and no place to wind it out: loneliness at home and friends chasen away. every evening was a new kill-myself event with its own ritual: prepare the pills, make the bed, put on some music, have some drinks, etc. but somehow i still managed to stop every single time. instead i crushed the pills one-by-one and poured them into the shots i had. i poisoned myself slowly.
4-6 months later it was over and another “high” period started, you know, happiness, delight, confidence.
a year later down again.
then up.
then down.
then up.
and so on.
a few years back i went to my physician, “im so blue” i said, “thats normal” she replied, “but i feel depressed most of the time”, “you should gather yourself, your are a healthy young man, you have nothing to be sad about!”. she looked at me with that look on her face, like im just a little whinning brat taking her time while she could deal with “real” patients instead. fine. went to someone else. “ohh, you are just a little overworked and stressed, let me give you something”.
alprazolam.
it made me a zombie.
i did not fancied alprazolam back then. all right, lets find something else. st. jonhs worth. 10% stuff and 90% hope. got through with it, hell knows how. that was the one before the last one.
now im down again. its been two months now. maybe it started earlier. i picked up smoking late january, i dont know if that means anything. i cannot get up in the morning, cannot go to bed in the evening, the dishes are piling up in the sink, the laundry next to the bath tub, im ordering out every evening and taking out the garbage is actually causing me pain. dark is good. booze is ok, at least for the time being. last year i managed to got some really nice drugs, it helped meg over the whole thing without even noticing anything, but now its all gone. i started buying things that usually makes me happy, but it does not work. nothing works when im down.
i cannot talk about it with others. at work my boss thinks im getting lazy, im late every day and cannot finish my projects at time. home my partner thinks i have somebody else cause im not interested in going out or spending nights together anymore.
i think my mother suspects it though, but she never sais anything. confessing a personal weakness is a tabu in our family. it makes us feel strong and firm. i have never seen a more disfunctional family by the way.