Blood and Fire

My suicidal feelings over the past few months culminated last week when I threw myself from my loft with a noose tied around my neck. I dangled around for a little, but the rope snapped, sparing my existence and leaving me with a nasty mark to cover up. Ironically, this botched attempt only made me more resolved to end my life. I came up with this idea that I would self-immolate myself in a public place, like the Buddhist monks during the Vietnam War. I’ve always been a flamboyant guy, with a fiery personality–it only makes sense that I should go out in a stunning manner that fits who I am, not anonymously in my room.

I assume everyone wants an explanation as to why I feel like this. I’ve had a really hard time adjusting to life since i came home around christmas from a trip in Africa. With this experience I thought I could come back to America with a better grasp on what I wanted to do with my studies. This was my last year at college, and I can honestly say that I’ve had the best few years of my life until I returned. Until everything fell apart.

First off, my parents were absolutely cold when i got back and they acted as if I hadn’t been gone for the past six months. it was around christmas-time, so I was expecting a little more cheer but instead I was met with a distant and awkward silence. I didn’t say anything about their behavior, because I’ve never been close to my parents, and it’s really hard to talk to them, especially about personal problems.

Honestly, I just wanted to get back to school ASAP so I wouldn’t have to deal with my family. But when I get here, i find out that my sub-leaser, let’s call him “Brock,” is dating my girl pal in the room next door to me. I really loved this guy: he was my muse who inspired my art and compelled me to be a better man, he was the one person who I could have a real conversation with, and while he didn’t carry the same feelings of love for me, I felt that our friendship was genuine.

I was never unrealistic about our relationship, and i do not think i crossed any boundaries which made him uncomfortable–i just enjoyed having him around. To see him with one of my best girl-friends here was upsetting. Before I left for Africa, I asked Brock if he’d like to split rent with me when i came back, because i knew that I wouldn’t be able to afford it alone. I even promised to live on the couch and let him have the entire room to himself just to make the offer more attractive.

It was obvious upon my return that Brock’s girlfriend did not like the amount of attention I gave him, although this was already common behavior by our senior years she was well aware of before. It got to the point where the two of us started being really passive aggressive against one another and eventually Brock wanted out. he kept giving me notices of when he was going to move out, and of course this put me into a lot of stress both emotionally and financially. He said it had nothing to do with me, just that he was having other problems in the house. finally in april, I got fed up with his threats to leave and his girlfriend manipulating him against me, so i told him out of malice that i didn’t ever need him to help me with the room. it’s actually gotten to the point where I compulsively lie to him just to get a rise out of him, because otherwise, he never says anything to me anymore.

now, while all this was happening, I discovered that my parents had discovered my homosexuality during my time in africa, finally explaining their cold response to my return. They left cruel messages on my phone, even using my 10-year-old brothers as mouthpieces for their nasty slurs and to disavow me from the family. I don’t know why I felt so shocked; they’ve hurt me in ways far greater than this. I guess, after i turned 18 and started gaining my independence away from the house, I forgot how evil they are as people.

Bad memories from childhood have resurfaced since then, and these memories have seared my conscious with helplessness and agony. When I am alone, I relive these dreadful moments, and it all started because the one person that I felt I could love and feel safe around has turned me away. I can’t eat, sleep, or even concentrate on school work. Hell, I’m on academic probation for the first time in my life, and i even have to stay here another quarter. I’ve been in such a depressed state that I snap at most people and do impulsive things to get back at people for things that I take offense to.

i can’t talk openly about the things that have bothered me all my life. I never had a family i could count on, so when I found someone resembling a parental figure, I invested all my energy into this person so that I could forget about all the terrible things I’ve endured. But now I’ve effectively pushed him away. I hate where I am.

Right now I have a container of gasoline with me and a lighter in my pocket. this will be the last time anyone burns me ever again.