“If only you understood. If only you could wipe away the veneer of complete disregard and detachment that has clung to me for these past few years. At times, it seems as if my hidden personality and the facade have become one, merging together after all this time of forced coexistence. It’s pathetic, really. I’ve waited so long for someone to notice the struggles behind the smiles, but it is becoming apparent that I put too much faith into those whom I surround myself with. It is at this point in time that the last remnants of smiles are fleeting. Yet the struggles are stronger than ever, smothering me with their presence and darkening my view upon myself, this life, and this world.
Sucking in a sharp breath, I withdrew myself from my vexing thoughts, letting reality tighten its icy grip on me. I clutched the .44 Magnum in my right hand tightly, my thumb caressing the pristinely polished barrel. I could see my reflection in it. My eyes were puffy and rimmed with red, my cheeks slick with tears. A sight that had become all too familiar, sadly.” – Beginning of a short story I started writing a few months ago.
My depression is eating away at me. I don’t really feel much of anything anymore. Comments from family or friends that would have normally sent me dashing away to my room with tears forming in my eyes no longer phase me. Some might consider this to be a positive thing, a step in overcoming my severe depression. Hell, at first, I thought it was. Yet it quickly became clear to me that feeling anything at all would be better than feeling absolutely nothing.
In the past week or so, I have conceived a plan to bring an end to myself. It is, in my opinion, perfect. With the solidification of my method, I have found my desire to die has increased rather dramatically.
Though I am still young, I am becoming more and more confident with the choice I am making. I know it can’t be much longer until I break and set my plan into motion.
I feel silly for posting this scatterbrained babble. My apologies.
2 comments
Why do you feel depressed? Is it because you are bullied? Or you were dumped by girlfriend/boyfriend? Tell us so we know what you are feeling, and maybe help you in through your tough ordeal.
Your story is beautiful. I love the way you word things. You can be a great poet.
Anyway, about your feelings. I know you may be feeling alone right now. I mean, we all are aren’t we? But truth be told, you aren’t. I won’t tell you not to do it because it’s your choice. But I’m not recommending it either. Find out why you’re depressed and focus on it. Try to handle it and fix it. If it’s little things that just build up work on the smallest one and it will help when you change the other problems. If I’m not making sense please tell me. I hope you do get better.