I thought I couldn’t do it and now I’m glad.

I was raped by a boyfriend out of my virginity. I’d finally gotten out of that relationship, but was terrified of having to face him and deal with our “neutral” friends.  I knew that he would try to beg for me back and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I felt like wasted filth not being able to handle any of the memories of his abuse. Just disgusted and blaming myself for what he did to me. I was also going through medical issues that I attributed to him, family trouble, and grief from the loss of a loved one. I didn’t know how to cope with any of it.

My plan was in place. I was going to do it at night. I never set a date or anything. I contemplated it heavily, waiting. I spent a lot of time talking to a good friend, drew a lot of pictures and tried to think of how I could right all of the injustices he had done. I thought about that. About finding someone who could (hopefully) undo all of that sexual trauma.  I had a good therapist at the time who set me in the right direction when I opened up to her.

The moment I got back to my university in the fall, sure my rapist was all over me, following me and trying to win me back. I wouldn’t even look at him. I was having panic attacks. It was horrible.

Then everything changed. I started to date my friend at the spur of a moment. It just fell together. He taught me what love really is. He sat there with me through all of my PTSD attacks when I wanted to have sex with him. Today we’re still together. He is planning to propose to me and already has a ring.

If I had died one of those miserable nights, I never would have learned what true love is. Because I lived, I got a Cinderella story.