I’m 18 years old and have been saying I’m going to kill myself since the 6th grade. Obviously back then it wasn’t that serious, but in the last two years or so I’ve had such constant, obtrusive thoughts about hurting myself and killing myself that I can’t even live my life. I can’t stay at work without crying, I can’t be around people without feeling guilty about not being happy, I push away all the people I get close to. I’ve been in counseling for four years and I’ve been pressured to take anti-depressants for a while. I basically lost my mom to prescription drugs so I’ve been extremely uncomfortable with the idea of taking any kind. Xanax has seemed to help a little, but my anxiety is just getting worse in the long run so I don’t really take it much either. I’m obsessed with hurting myself. If it wasn’t for the guy I have in my life right now I would probably cut all the time. I just hurt so bad, I have no idea why. My life isn’t horrible, I just graduated, I have a job (its a shitty job, but a job nonetheless), and people say I have so much to be happy about. But i just cant shake the thought of killing myself. When I drive in a bad mood, I have the urge to just….turn the steering wheel 6 inches and crash into whatever may be there. I have that urge the whole drive. And when I’m at work I just want to go into the bathroom with a boxcutter. And when I’m at home I just think about ODing and stabbing myself or locking myself in the garage with the car turned on. Its getting to me. I wonder why I don’t just go through with it. But I do have some happy days, a couple in a month maybe, and those days I try to remember things to tell myself when I’m suicidal again. I’m just tired of not being happy when I know I should be. My doctor is putting me on something called “paxil” or something like that, I’ll probably start it tomorrow. I’ll stay alive long enough to give it a shot. But if it doesnt work I’m hopeless. I need help.
3 comments
I’ve no advice. Sorry.
Hey! Somebody please help cshizzle! :]
I know how you feel. And when I say that, I don’t mean it like the thousands of other people who will say that to you though they have no clue in hell. I truly and utterly understand. In fact, I use to have the same exact feeling that you have, and still do to a point. But this is what helps me when I feel the weight of everything on my shoulders.
You think so much of hurting yourself because you’re obsessed with the possibility of an easy escape from all the pain and hurt. But there are solutions that are right in front of us. Four years ago, I had a friend who was just like me. Sad, depressed, always felt alone when we were surrounded by hundreds of people. We both discussed suicide. For her, it was the fact that her family were losing their house. She was afraid of what that meant, and the possibility of being homeless. With me, it felt as if I was always looking from the outside in, looking in at all the perfect lives while I suffered. I watched friends I grew up with have kids, get married, while I remained the same. I hated it.
When the time came for my friend and her family to move out the house she abruptly decided to kill herself. I knew my friend very well so I knew what she did was a decision she hadn’t fully thought out first. She lost her life, and not too much later her family was able to find another house. Her family grieved for their lost, my best friend had died, and it could have all been avoided if she had just carried on a little bit more.
What I’m saying is this; please think of everyone before you make a decision that can effect everything. Death is permanent, there is no escape once it happens. Think of all the terminally ill who have no other choice, who would sell their very souls just to walk around, drive, and work like you do but they’ve spent majority of their lives in hospital beds. I use to work in a hospital for terminally ill children. It was this that probably saved me and helped me understand that no matter what, there is always another way, another solution. When I looked at those children, at how sick and weak they were compared to me. How can you end a life with so many possibilities when there are people, children even, who would give anything to actually have one beyond their hospital beds?
I hope this helps. If not, we can always talk. I’d be more than happy to give you any advice or hear anything you have to say.
drugs dont help anything, enter your mind assess your problem and do what it takes to be happy. What do you really want