I am 19, I have always been bright and good looking and have never been socially rejected throughout my life i have attended parties enjoyed social occasions and loved spending time with friends. However, inside of me i have always felt alone and weird. i feel like nobody really likes me, and looking at my behavior over the years i’m not surprised as to why. I have bitched about friends behind their backs, lied, been confrontational when drunk and agressive to those who care about me. i never know why, i always feel like there is no point in living, i dont feel alive. i have had several suicide attempts but i cant follow through with it, i feel scared of death but i am also too scared to face life. in every aspect of life i feel a coward, unable to face things- i look back on everything and see an evil person. i try to cover it all up, because i feel remorseful, but i always have a sinking feeling that it will come back to bite me. i have done all the things that people hate and i hate myself for it. i spread a rumour that my friend had a sexually transmitted disease, i have stolen from shops and my parents, i have drank and taken drugs and got myself into such a state that my friends have had to look after me, i have lied to cover up unfaithfulness in romantic relationships, i have told people secrets when i have been drunk, i have lied just to get attention. yet i cant source the cause of all this self destructive and selfish behavior i know how all of this feels. i have had rumours spread about me, i have had things stolen from me, i have been lied to and cheated on yet i did all this to others. i feel awful in myself i wish i was a better person. or someone else. i see good people every day and i wish with my whole heart that i had the genuine kindness that they have. i have had an advantaged upbringing, with wealthy parents, private education and nice holidays. yet i always have this sense of emptiness, like i am not worthy. i have looked inside myself for reasons and all i find is evil, maybe i was just born that way. i cry about this on a daily basis i just want to be normal and to be happy, there are people out there with real problems and i have none. why do i act as if i do? i am not dying, i am not blind or disfigured. if you met me you would not see any of this, you would see me as a bright young girl about to go to university with a rich family, someone with prospects. yet why do i destroy myself? i dont want to ruin everything but i know its going to happen. i tried to overdose tonight, but found i couldnt i just want it all to end, i want to be someone else, all i do is cause hurt and pain to others and i deserve every bit of pain and hurt i receive back
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As silly as this sounds, you remind me of Matt Stifler on American Pie the wedding. He is obsessed with showing off and causing trouble but he is also remoursful and changes his ways in the end. I think that’s what you should try and do. By all means, be social and see friends on a regular basis but just try to calm things down a bit. I don’t mean to sound like a teacher but treat people the way you want to be treated. Control your alcohol intake and stop taking drugs. You said you’re bright and good looking so try and get a girlfriend and try to make the relationship work. Have some quiet nights in and you will start to feel more relaxed about things. If you have a fast paced life then its hard to keep track of everything but chances are if you slow your life down then your emotions will slow down aswell. By the way, I know I probably sound like a teacher but I’m only 18. I know what being a teenager is like.
Are you me? You aren’t evil, trust me when I say everyone has done bad things and things they regret.
‘…there are people out there with real problems and i have none’, everyone has problems; no matter how small, big, crazy or even seemingly non-existent they are. Don’t think yours don’t matter because they aren’t as ‘severe’ as others make them out to be. If they are causing you distress, then they are serious.
‘…i look back on everything and see an evil person. i try to cover it all up, because i feel remorseful, but i always have a sinking feeling that it will come back to bite me.’ I know exactly what you mean, I have done awful things as well. But trust me when I say that you can change your life, things can be forgotten and forgiven. When I was a child/teenager I did horrible, horrible things, but slowly I changed who I was and I’m getting better.
I’m not a legitimatey ‘good’ person. I don’t feel the drive to be kind or care for others. It’s a choice for me, not something that comes naturally. Personally I could watch the world burn and probably not care, but I’ve learnt life is much more fun with other in it. Don’t panic too much about not being a good person, I reckon a lot of people aren’t naturaly ‘good’ and just do it because they believe in heaven or have been taught to be.
Things can seem crazy right now, but don’t give up hope. Avoid the alcohol (stick to coffee) and let yourself chill out. Everyone fucks up when they are young, it’s how we learn to live through adulthood.
Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you.