Harrowing senses of guilt and despair fill my mind with bitter persistence / Helpless in the wars I wage against myself, I’m a casualty of my own existence / Death always seemed so far away, now I’m closing the distance / Lacking an explanation for my degradation, I lash out in frustration / Ready to step, off the edge, I fill my thoughts with memories of you / I pour out my sentiment and leave it hanging on the wall / The crowd gathers round, witness to the fall / I dive right in, my eyes wide open / What’s left of me, distorted and […]
August 2011
in church one day the guy was talking about hell as an eternal torture that never ends and how it comes to those that deserve. i dont ever go to church but i feel if god was so great all gods creations would go to heaven there would be no eternal hell for anyone.. i dont know why they cant realize this but oh well. maybe when i end it i’ll be there in the place they so casually talked about as a place they wouldnt wish on thier worst enemy.
I had a good childhood. Even though my parents beat me and psychologically tormented me, I was strong enough as a kid to preserve my own sanity in the midst of insane surroundings.
But now, at 25, the manifestations of my parent’s style of upbringing are undeniable. I crave close relationships with people around me, but because of the pain associated with close relationships that I experienced as a child, I let people know about 10% of the real me, then cut them out, or isolate myself. It has been a constant cycle, and to this day I have no real friends I can have a […]
today a boy asked me if i could imagine ever spending my life with someone…
i thought about it…
then he asked me if i could ever imagine anyone wanting to spend their life with me?
i kept listening…
then he told me he couldnt imagine it.
he told me that he couldn’t imagine anyone would want to spend a large amount of time with me, just because its me. he also told me that as hard as it is to imagine someone liking me, he struggles even more to imagine someone loving me, and asked if i could imagine someone ever loving me.
my chest sunk
this conversation went on for […]
When I came home from my father’s house I thought I was going to have a relaxing time at home, getting my summer project done for school, making sure I had everything set and ready for my last year in high school, all the stuff that comes with the end of the summer.
My mother, being my mother, had a whole different idea though to celebrate my less then happy return.
LAS VEGAS.
Now, I’m not saying anything against the so appropriately named “Sin City” but it did occur to me that maybe I needed the vacation, just to get my mind off of somethings. I was wrong.
I […]
I like to go to a website called Literotica, not always for arousal, but usually to read romance stories. Â To read stories about people in love, or friends that have always liked each other, or other things like that. Â But usually I just get sad. Â I wish it was me in that story. Â I wish I knew what love and romance felt like, to feel that someone in this world has an undying love for me, that someone would have a butterflies in the stomach feeling for me and would just be content with holding each other and expressing our love until one day we […]
About 4 years ago i lost my grandmother. I was probably the hardest thing Ive ever had to deal with. I’m still not over it and i think about her often. Shortly after that i started to cut myself. I cut myself for about a year and no one knew about it. One day i decided i needed to stop. Ive gone almost 3 year with out cutting myself and Ive been fine up until now. Lately IÂ just sad all the time, I put HUGE walls so one can get close to me and as soon as someone gets close to me i cut […]
I’m tired of you fucking yelling at me.. I’M TIRED OF FUCKING BEING EXPECTED TO TAKE IT!!!!
Fuck you.
Greatest song ever! Brings tears to my eyes every time i play it. Thought i just might share it with everyone on here. And also i thought it would be better to play it with the lyrics insted of watching the video. ^ -^ Enjoy.
I guess i shouldn’t write a whole story about my life, it’s not really worth telling not in this time anyway, Every day has become a Dream of death i’m finally starting to formulate a plan i think i can stick to,I’m sorry if this depresses anyone or makes you feel ill, but my story is not a happy one and this is the saddest part, How i give up.
Sometimes i think about things in life and they seem so fucking beautiful but they are so god damned tragic also, i wish i didn’t see things this way cause i feel the pain of the […]
I have a good life, so why can’t I just be happy already.
The phrase “nobody understands me” is a silly thing. There will always be people in this world that understand what you are going through. However, I do worry that those who are close to me will have a hard time grasping the situation at hand. And it’s something that I have to bring up to them before it’s too late.
I do apologize if this is a bit long-winded. In no way would I feel offended if somebody doesn’t read it. I just need a place to say what’s on my mind.
For as far back as I can remember, I’ve been the type who bottles up […]
i love cutting… my cuts just healed… i love cutting at the right emotional moment… the sting… the burn… the way it feels when i run my fingers over the welts they leave… you see when i cut i like to cut on inside of my arms.. with a serrated knife… just under the dermal layer of skin… i avoid cutting muscle at all… skin will heal with no long term effects… muscle scars and you have issues later in life…. i would make about 50 2 inch cuts across my arm, then take a handful of rubbing alcohol and rub it in… fuxty fux […]
The school counselor wants me to keep a diary and say when I want to cut myself and why. I’m thinking it will look like this:
Wednesday – I’m never good enough.
Thursday – I’m not smart enough.
Friday – I’m not pretty enough.
Saturday – I’m not skinny enough.
Sunday – I’m not nice enough.
Monday – I’m not happy enough.
Tuesday – I will never be good enough for anyone.
When I look at you, I don’t know what’s happening. We met once before. We met twice before. I was your mother when the Joss smell perfumed the funeral parlor on the second floor. That was the first. I can’t speak. I feel too much. When I say that I tap deep, deep into the well that runs straight down my veins. The uttered word, just -eel, electric, taps those wells. A true deepwater horizon.
And then there was you. We met in the ward. I introduced my cousin, A, when we were just kids, to that life, the bathroom mirrors you’d known so long.
Two weeks, […]
It was in November right after Halloween. I had just gotten home from my soccer tournament and got on Facebook of course like a normal teenager woul do. I was looking through my newsfeed and saw this picture that was drawn then uploaded, and the person that uploaded it happened to be the girl that used to be my bestfriend but some things happened and at this point she hated me. I clicked on the picture to see what it was and it had this girl, a soccerball at her feet, and then zits all over her face, it showed that she had a […]
Life sucks. Why do bad things always happen to good people? I am a good person. I have ALWAYS had it hard. My mom was a psycho who abused me and the courts did nothing until I was 15 and by then what was the point? I had my first daughter when I was 17 and got married early and had a family by the time I was old enough to drive. I’ve always struggled but managed to somehow scrape by.
Things have always been rough but I’ve hung in there and just clung on to some kind of hope. I’ve busted my butt and been […]
Hi guys, I’ve missed you
I need a bit of help
I’m happy right, but I want to cut so badly. Like, I keep biting myself to stop me cutting
I’d cut right now if I could. But I’m going on holiday monday and my scars are still everywhere
& I don’t want my new boyfriend knowing about them, because by the time things get intimate and he has a reason to see my arms without clothes on hopefully they will have faded
Urghhhhhh I want to fucking cut.
please help.
If anybody feels like they don’t have anyone to talk to email me. Im a 16 almost 17 year old girl who’s just trying to find her place in this world.
brokenburden94athotmaildotcom
well,i have been lonely for almost 4years now, actually i like this life..u know ever since i became lonely i started to love the nature.. which makes me feel so good..wish i can live in a forest..but i cant… i don’t believe in humans at all, i had many bad experiences, u know people let down others so easily, it could be your family, friends.but im pretty sure people who come to this site aren’t bad..i like to be your friend.. if u interested mail me s.tck40@yahoo.com im not looking a friend to stays for some days.. i need a friend who like to be […]