I’m still alive. I’m almost 31 but I feel 100. Every second is a waste – with every second passing I feel like I’m merely existing and not living. I feel like all these years have gone by without meaning, and I have no idea who or what I’m living for.
Every few years I got insanely sick and tired of my life, packed all my stuff and leave for somewhere new: A new country, a new job, etc, but the cycle repeats itself again, and eventually I became depressed, negative, and self-hating that I feel the need to reset my life and start over again – for what? Eventually I will get too old and too tired to try.
I always feel lonely. I have family (which doesn’t understand me), a lot of acquaintances, a few close friends, but no serious love relationships or partners whatsoever, for as long as I can’t remember. It’s not like I’m terribly shy, I think it’s my fear of commitment and high standards that’s sabotaging me from ever getting into a relationship. It blows. I feel like I have no one who truly loved me for who I am, and I fear growing old alone as a spinster, rotting away in a home.
Maybe it’s all the wrong signals that I’m sending. This affects other areas of my life. I have a job – in which I feel like a robot, and I’m only in it for the money. I’ve just found out that the bosses and supervisors hates me because they can’t stand my (negative or indifferent) attitude, despite acknowledging that skill-wise, I’m one of the best staff they have. Then they tell me I’m not gonna get a pay rise next year – or a job promotion, that is long overdue. Very nice, considering I put a lot of effort into my job. It’s not my fault that I don’t have the best people skills – or is it?
I know these problems seems superficial compared to what other people are having… At least I’m healthy, I’m not broke. I don’t wanna die yet – I wanna change myself and my life, but I have no idea where to start.
2 comments
Yo. I feel exsackly the same way!!! Except the Love part… And im only 18… Can you tell me how to kepp on going?
from your writing, my life is incredibly similar to yours. so let me rant and maybe you can relate or get ideas.
like you, i’ve done the new city thing, i’ve done the new job thing.. the same problems persist. i need a more drastic change. (yet, like you, i’m still here on this site)
i ended up moving somewhere new and telecommute to my job. the job still sucks, my shitty friends are gone, and now i’m entirely 100% alone. i suck at making friends and the count is still at zero. at times i love my alone time but to be honest i’m sick of it as well.
i’m thinking of quitting the job, leaving this city, and traveling the world. i hate doing things by myself but what other options do i have. from reading traveler blogs they make it sound like it’s better to travel alone.
looking back on my life i would rather be 20 and broke than where i am now. all i’ve ever wanted is to live and enjoy life. being married with kids, settled, and forced to keep my job sounds so undesirable as well. sitting on a computer for 10 hours a day doesn’t do that for me. it makes me feel like i’ve sold the best years of my life for so much money per year.
i’m trying to be optimistic right now but it’s not always easy. good luck to you.