its been a couple of months since i last wrote something, i wish i could say im better but i am worse. i went on a two week vacation in july. .I had a great time, i met a guy, i fell in love with him, but i cant be with him. im back home with my mom and stepdad. The first week back was hell, everytime i turned around i was being bitched at for no reason. I finally got fed up, i took the box knife that was just sitting there out in the open the blade was glinting in the light,i took it and i cut ym arm for the first time in 3 months, i think. i didnt feel it, i kept going. then i stopped and went to sleep. the next morning i woke up and didnt notic ehte cuts and went about like it was a normal day. I went to the store and went aboutmy business. i ran into an old friend, and he asked me what the hell i did to myself. I told him, I was depressed (still am), i didnt know what else to do, i was tired of holding my anger in and tired of being treated like shit. I miss mike so much, he is the greatest guy ive ever been with, but i cant be with him because he lives a thousand miles away, i was to a point where i was ready to pack up my shit and leave. Not look back and just go. but i didnt im too scared. I 18 fricking years old and my parents still treat me like a kid. I lashed out and got another tattoo. all that got me was a stern talking to and how much did it cost. Mike tried to kill himself the second night i was gone, i didnt know what to do. turns out he got rid of the gun and now we barely talk. I miss him more thani care to admit but its how it is. My cousin who lives near him says she sees the difference in his actions from whne i was there to now that im not. How am i suppose to act when i cant be with someone that makes me so happy and not depressed but im stuck in this hell whole i am supposed to call my life that im happy wiht. But im not happy. I hate it hear. Im sad to say that i really want out. while i was there i went through 2 packs of cigerrettes, since i got bakc ive gone through 4 and ive only been back just over a week. thats fucked up but thats life. im fed up and im redy to go whether its to where mike is or if its to hell, im ready to go.