My name is Alan, and this is my story
I’m 18 and I’m in my second year of medical school. I graduated high school with a 3.66 GPA and as class valedictorian. Then I applied and got accepted in a great med school on a 100% scholarship. At first I thought it was a dream come true. My parents, especially my father, always wanted me to become a doctor. But then I slipped up, I got careless and I didn’t study. As a result, I failed my integrated exam, and i was told i had to repeat it in the summer. This course is composed of 2 subjects, Human Structure (anatomy, embryology, etc.) and Human Function (physiology). Its a 9 credit hour. When I applied for a summer course, I was told that each hour cost $2800. This crushed me, and when I told my mother she was extremely upset. She told me that she would get the money somehow, and told me not to tell my father because he had a bad heart as well as diabetes, and I later found out that she had to borrow $20,000 from a colleague at work. That was the first day I tried to commit suicide. I grabbed a razor and cut myself twice high on my forearm, far from the main veins, and then I held the razor for almost 4 hours against my wrists, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was a coward. I am a coward. After that, I went on a downwards spiral, and I kept thinking of ways to commit suicide. I started looking at everything differently. I saw opportunities for suicide everywhere, from all the medication lying around at home to the tree in front of my house that I thought could support me if I decided to hang myself from it. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I am a coward. The summer passed and I passed the summer course with an extremely disappointing C+. I honestly thought I would get an A- at least on the exam. Now I was just informed that I was stripped of 100% of my scholarship, which covered my $94,000 school fees and my parents are away till Monday. I have an immunology exam on Saturday and a neuroscience exam on Sunday, both of which I’m afraid I’ll fail. I’m seriously contemplating doing it, but I feel so confused. I don’t know anything anymore, I feel like all the things I’m supposed to experience are meaningless. Life is meaningless. I feel like life has lost the vibrancy and color that it used to have a few years ago. I vaguely remember a time when I was somewhat satisfied, if not a little happy. Now I can’t remember the last time I laughed from my heart, or smiled at something while I’m alone. I constantly wish and daydream about switching lives with anyone I see, and every time I do that I feel like its an upgrade. As I write this, I have tears streaming down my cheeks, because I know I’m a coward, and I’m afraid to die. I love my parents, and I love my sisters, but I know that my place isn’t on this Earth. I’m a disappointment to everyone I’ve ever met, and I don’t think I should be among the people I love. I cause them nothing but pain and sadness and grief. I want to tell them how sorry I am to have been born into their lives, and that I wish they had somebody they could be proud of instead of me, but I can’t. I am a coward for not doing the right thing, and the right thing would be to remove myself from their lives, because I know their lives would be infinitely better for it.
10 comments
I promise you removing yourself isnt the right thing to do. I think its safe to say that but the level that your parents love theyd rather suffer the worlds plight twice over than endure your demise.
Think back, why are you doing medicine? The fact youre willing to face the gruelling task that it is shows that you must love it. If thats what makes you happy, at peace, then no matter what comes your way itll all be worth it in the end. In england everyones ending up with ridiculous debts after uni so it is possible to get through it and to come out the other side with the sun on your cheek.
Please send me an email at lauriejohnson1@hotmail.co.uk
You can just let it out, we can talk as much and for as long as you want, we dont have to cover anything you dont want to and i wont judge you for anything. The fact is i can already see just what this would do to your family and just how much potential you have to live for. Just give me a chance.
I got a Masters in Education a few years ago-I am not working and I feel the exact same way you do-everyone would be better off without me and my failure in life.
A human ego can propel us forward to greatness or crush us like a bug on a winshield.
If “You” wish to be a Dr. (for yourself) then accept the loan from your mother and go for it.
If you know in your heart your not cut out to be a Dr. then pursue something else. The shear volume of knowlege that a person needs to be able to absorb and be able to recall for use the rest of their life is enormous.
If you accept the money, know that it needs to be repayed. Parents aren’t money trees, they do not have any responsibility to pay for a young adults highher education, when they need to be saving for their own retirement.
A person isn’t a failure because they are not making the grades, they are failure when they haven’t tried.
You sir, are trying, sooooo your not a failure.
@jv
The work world has ton’s of people with Masters gegress out of work, take a job not associated with the degree. If you can find one.
If I had it all to do over again, directly out of high school I would go into plumbing, electrical, etc.
These crafts are always in demand, lets face it, when your drains are plugged, and after we tried everything we end up calling a plumber.
Just saying, there are alot of opportunities in life which do pay very well and are passed up by most because that opportunity wears dirty overalls and its beneath those which pass it by.
Hey man, I feel you on the whole situation. It all started my sophomore year in high school. I started to feel down, alone, and almost hopeless. I met a girl, and one thing led to another and fell head over heels for her. Sure enough, six months later she dumped me (just 3 days after I told her I had switched medications, and that I would be unable to cope with things for around 4 weeks because thats when the meds start to kick in.) and I wound up trying to OD on some pills. To my dismay, I only took 1/10th the amount needed to cause a high enough toxicity level to kill me. I wound up in the hospital two days later under my own choice. The rest of my junior and senior years of high school were pathetic compared to what I was capable of (I’m fairly book-smart with an IQ somewhere in the mid 140s out of 160) graduating with a measly 3.1 GPA. I got denied admission to Case, so my only alternative was The University of Akron. I am studying to become a BioMedical Engineer because I love to design mechanical things while also making a contribution to society. I have tried 3 times to kill myself. First was already mentioned. Second was another failed OD attempt on more powerful prescription medications. Third, I tried to shoot myself in the head with a shotgun ( a way that will almost guarantee death) but the round didn’t go off after I pulled the trigger. So now I’m here trying to make sense of where I am at. My advise to you is simple. It may make you upset, but please don’t misinterpret what I am saying. You are obviously bright or you wouldn’t be given a scholarship to a good Med-school, let alone accepted, in the first place. You have so much going for you, but you think because you lost your scholarship that your life is over, and your a failure, and that you should die to save everyone else the shame of ever knowing you, and etc… DUDE MOST PEOPLE WOULD KILL TO BE IN YOUR POSITION!!!!!!! Ya you may have fucked up the beginning of med-school (pardon my language), but you have in no way shape or form ruined your chances of attaining a M.D. You still have a shot, and yes your mother may have had to ask a friend for a huge favor, and you might have to take out a student loan with a ridiculously high interest rate just to pay for med-school. I understand that you may be down about where you’re at (potentially an understatement), but death is not the answer to your prayers. A wise friend told me this,” death is the easy way out. If you kill yourself you will show complete cowardice because you decided to take a bullet instead of putting blood, sweat, and tears into doing something about it.” Your life is obviously valuable to you because you are still here (thank God) and that, my friend, is nothing to be ashamed of! Remember 2 things. 1-Never give up. 2-Bs and Cs still earn degrees. Everyone that cares about you would much rather you be here and try to achieve your goals than not here and never to return. If there is anything I can do to help, please message me. Keep on keeping on my man.
It sounds like you are really putting too much pressure on yourself. Maybe you need a bit of a break. Don’t fall into the trap of making yourself misreble just to fulfill everyone else’s expectations of you.
@jv
It sucks when you spend years of hard work studying,then at the end of it get offered a sh1t minimus wage job that you didn’t even have to go to school to qualify for.A lot of graduated in that situation now,cos employers want experience more than anything.You think to yourself,what’s the point of it all to come out broke and in debt
Here here! 7 years of education + knowing you should drop out of law school and can’t being an overachiever+hoping you can make it in a souless profession+so much debt to educate self in souless profession +regrets and failed economic world mire+no hope and midlife=posting here.
🙁 so MANY of us are in the same boat. America dream is dead.
@Alan-just read more of ur post, are in the UK? Med school at 18?? Did u grad at some obscene age from college? Usually here in US you do 4 years at a college as a pre-med Bio majo and then Med school.
I can really relate to this. I too knew I was WRONG WRONG (Let me say it again if you can’t HEAR ME) WRONG for the law. I struggled thru law school, even though my profs from Undergrad advised me that history and teaching were my gifts, I pushed against the grain and I have been miserable every since. I signed on for 20K first year of lw and then could not drop out, though I thought I would pass the bar and fall into something. I did pass the bar, but I have never practiced and my career for 20 years has struggled. I am so bloody good at the law, I don’t have a logical, business mentality. I get confused easily reading such topics and amd very bad with math, plus I cannot take the stress of pulling all nighters to churn out thousands of documents free of errors as the hire ups demand.
YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU. KNOW WHY? Your parents will be gone some day and YOU will left with this life of regret and mismatch. My parents put a lot of pressure on me back then to stay the course, when I wanted to drop out, I too had a 3.67 gpa, graduated summa from a prestigious Jesuit ivy league school, know what? If it doesn’t feel right at 18, its even less a match at 25, 35 and 45.
F the money and just leave the dame thing behind. Debt and parent regret is not enough to kill yourself. My cousin also hated the law and dropped out second week of law school, guess who is happier now, 20 years out? PLEASE please think this through.
There are other choices, U can be a small farmer that lives somewhere near nature in peace with himself. Not always u need a diploma to be happy…