Get It Off My Chest

It’s something I use to think of a lot.
Sometimes I still do.

I met this boy, in one of my classes, and we were just talking. Somehow suicide etched its words into our conversation. He told me, “If you tell someone, you want to be stopped.” For me..that was true. I told my Dad. I cried in the car and told him everything.

When I was a kid, there are some things I can’t remember. I was crazy..wild. My Mom let me do whatever I wanted. I had a little sister. She suffered from a severe case of asthma. My mom did drugs..all kinds of drugs. She mostly smoked and that caused my sister to be in the hospital, often.

Well, anyway. My Mom had sex with a lot of men. A lot of strangers for drug money. I remember one night where I was sleeping with my little sister and Mommy was gone but then she came back with a man. I remember I was so happy because I missed her so much. I was so happy. But she told me to go away and she went into her brothers room and slept with the man, I remember him leaving and her smiling and counting the money.

I remember, one night, I was sleeping and I woke up and heard a noise, so I woke up my sister, and we went into my Grandpa and Grandmas room. I fell asleep, but then suddenly we woke up and our Grandpa was carrying a baseball bat. He heard a noise, too. It was my moms ex-husband. He was trying to kidnap us. I was so scared..at first. He hated me.. he punched me in the eye one time, I remember. Because I played with a candle. I remember I lied and said I was playing with shoe laces..I was only two or three..

Then she dated another man. I remember, he didn’t like me either. She had sex with him in front of me all the time. I remember.. waking up in a dirty hotel room and seeing them. I remember one day they fought and he was really mad. I remember her making me be the messenger and he told me he was going to beat the hell out of me if I didn’t quit. He use to beat me, a lot. So I ran to my Mom and I cried. My Dad later told me he was arrested for Molesting a Child..but I don’t remember if he touched me or not. He and my mom use to smoke with a bunch of guys and they use to bring me dresses and my mom would make me wear them around them..

I don’t remember if they touched me or not..I don’t think they did..

Later, I was lucky. My Dad took me in when he got out of the Army. I was six. It took me a while to get use to him, but I did eventually. He’s a good guy.

Three years later, my mom came over with my sister. She said she was leaving her here and she would come back when she was ready. My dad called the police after three days. He got custody of her for a year, but then my mom took her back.
When I was about 10, I received word that my aunt had been murdered. She was a prostitute. She was stabbed, I believe nine times, and then he blew her head off with a shotgun. Then, he stabbed her husband eight times..and I cried for a while..but then..
Her daughter, I had learned, held a knife to my sisters throat and raped her. My Grandpa suddenly, he changed, he hates my sister now. For telling.

I wish I could save my sister from them, but I’m too young.. and my Mom she’s trying..but.. she’s still blaming everyone else for her problems.
I would forgive her if she just told me sorry. That’s all I want..

The only thing I’m really sad about is my sister. I use to want to hurt myself and maybe die..but then I realised I wasnt ready to. I want to die when I’m happy.
Anyway, thanks for reading.