I’m a 22 year old engaged mother of one. My family takes care of my son and I entirely. I own a home, a car, I have food in the fridge and the lights are on.
I have failed at everything I’ve ever tried. I only graduated HS because my dad put me in a lock down boarding school where I didnt have a choice other than to graduate. I recently got kicked out of a school I’d been working 3 years to get into due to my anxiety/having to take medication for said anxiety.
I cant keep my house clean, I cant keep my kid happy, I cant keep my fiancee happy or off drugs/alcohol. My dad hates my fiancee and all of my life decisions.
I’m an over privileged white girl from a good family, I should be a college graduate just moving out, supporting myself. Not a big fat ugly house *****.
I love my son but I cant do it anymore. I cry every day because I’m alone everyday. I dont know how to do this. I have no friends and my family is sick of hearing about how sad I am.
I’ve started taking baths while my son is napping. I used to cut myself as a teenager. I needed attention because I’ve always felt like shit inside and Ive never been able to articulate that. I don’t need their attention anymore, I need random strangers to know whats going on in my head because they dont know how awful I am. Today I’m going to take a bath and make a small incision in a vein just to watch the water turn red.
I’m going to do that every day until my dad retires, which is Jan 3 or 4th, and give him the best retirement present ever. Not taking care of his biggest mistake anymore.
People like the baby, he has lots of people in his life who are better suited to care for him that I am.
I’m going to put my son down for a nap about 2 hours before my dad gets off work. I will then finish whatever laundry we have around here and clean the house. Then I’m going to lay out the clothes I want to be buried in, along with my note. I’ll get in the tub and send my dad a text saying I have a present for him when he gets off work, to come to my house before he goes home. I’ll die sometime in the 40 mins it takes him to get here, while my son sleeps for at least another half hour, maybe an hour. He likes naps. My dad will get here in time to get the baby up from his nap. I feel bad he’ll have to be the one to find me, it might be kind of traumatic, but his life, along with everyone elses will be so much better 🙂
I just cant screw my son up like I’ve screwed up everything else. This way I wont even be a memory to him, just a collection of pictures and a note. I’ll be a better mother dead.
8 comments
i understand your pain and what you’re going through, but please don’t do this to your son, when he grows older he will be more company. Imagine how he will feel when he starts school and then he has like graduation or a special event and his mother won’t be there for him. What about when he gets married? Or when he has children, he’s going to really need his mother. Think about you’re father, he may not seem to care but deep down when he sees your dead body in the tub he is going to break down. Your parents love you more than you think. Think about what others will feel.
You really sound like you are suffering i can tell youre at your wits end please dont do it youe son needs you…get some help try not to carry out your plan stay with us you are not alone
I’m not going to tell you to do it, nor am I going to stop you from doing what you want. It’s your life, not mine, therefore it is your decision to make–not anyone else’s.
Before you decide to finalize your preparations, I would like for you to sit down and think. Think of all that has happened. Think of all that could be.
If you decide to live, you can be there to watch your son grow. Help shape him into a man you would be proud of.
If you decide to live, you can continue with your studies and fulfil whatever dreams and ambitions you have.
If you decide live, you can reconcile with your father, find out that he saw more than a ‘failure’ in you.
If you decide to live, you can find happiness in a man you love, be it your fiance or another man. Someone who will love you and take care of you and your son.
If you decide to live, you can find out that what you’re doing now, how you’re living your life, is as good as it will ever get.
If you decide to die, you will no longer suffer from the pains in your life. In return, you lose all the what if’s and the can be’s.
These are just SOME of the endless possibilities that can happen in the future. Again, it is your decision. Childish as it may be, weigh out the pros and cons. Are there more cons in your life than pros? Cons that are seemingly impossible to turn around? Would you be able to last one more day?
Whatever you decide, I just want you to know that I am grateful that you shared this and that you are in someone else’s thoughts.
WOW. Of all the ones I’ve read this one was the most upsetting. I just feel like you’re trying to PLEASE everybody else and it makes me so sad that you hate yourself for not being able to. Do you even realize how low your self esteem is? How low you think of YOURSELF? Sure, you’re an over privileged girl, so am I. And don’t you give a EFF what SOCIETY WANTS YOU TO BE, if you’re not a college graduate then that’s TOO DAMN BAD doesn’t make you ANY less of a woman. You were expelled for MEDICAL reasons how can you even be mad at yourself for that. Honeyyyy…….. Come on you are way too harsh with yourself. It is not your place to make your FIANCE happy, it is his. And the only thing that would make your KID happy is to stick around. Thinking he’ll be happy without you is a silly thought, and you think that because you don’t like yourself. But you know, DEEP DOWN, all he wants and NEED is you. And your DAD i mean come on. I will bet 100 $ that ALL YOUR DAD WANTS is for you to have a better self image. To be happy about YOURSELF. Even if you never went back to school, even if you never got a socially acceptable job. You need to start seeing the VALUE in you. You are WORTHY and you need to know it’s okay to be jealous or egocentric or impatient OR WHATEVER FLAWS YOU HAVE i don’t know u i wouldn’t know but whatevers inside you is FINE. You’re fine. You’re an amazing person for wanting to make verybody happy, but your sadness clouds your judgement. Killing yourself wont fix anything. Yuo think your dad or son seeing you dead will make him happy? That will shock em dead.
I just can’t see how having a mom like me is a positive experience. He has amazing sisters, the best aunt, and a fantastic grandma. They’ll make him a better little guy than I ever could. He’ll get to think of me as some sad lady who lost her battle with mental illness, or that selfish ***** that left him, not “my mom can’t do anything normal moms do.” He won’t go without. His family will love him and my dad will make sure he has a roof over his head and a college fund and properly filed taxes.
You gave birth to him, YOU DID. You share a bond with him none of these people will ever be able to share with him. And you caring about his happiness to the point you’d take your own life to make his better, proves how much you are as deserving to be part of his life as any of those people. And again i can’t get OVER how high you set the bar for yourself I CAN’T. You think you’re a failure because you can’t fight off your MENTAL ILLNESS ? HONEY :(. It’s a MENTAL ILLNESS no human being in this entire world is expected to just block them out of their system. It’s a hard thing to deal with you can’t just beat yourself up because you can’t rid yourself of it. It’ll definitely take time. You really need to see that youre a beautiful young lady. You need to pretty up whenever you can and work on yourself and KNOW that it is okay not to be wonderwoman. Youre already worth enough. Money wont be everything in your sons life. Just like im sure money wasnt your saving grace while growing up. He’ll be devastated not to have you.
Have you made mistakes Vth? Sure you have. We all have.
Will yu continue to make mistakes? Maybe ….
You are really luck that you come from a nice family from what i can tell. Okay so your decisions or coping resurces havent been as great as they could be. With informed and practical help, this can always chnage. The future isnt cast in stone. Nor are you … you too can change …the question is do you want to?
Feel free to contact me always happy to chat …
Ad astra
Fiancee was drunk tonight, he started telling me that I’m annoying and people roll their eyes at me when I talk about things. He’s probably right and that’s ok, if I hadn’t been planning on this since november I would have just been like “fuck you, I’ll say what I want.” But I cried and decided it was time. So I grabbed my purse (where I thought I put my notes) cigs, phone, keys, hugged and kissed him and my son and tried to leave. He yelled at me that I was off to fuck someone else or get high. Then he asked if I was gonna kill myself. I told him i’d be better that way. He told me I wasn’t a teenager and to get over myself, wresteled my keys, phone, and cigs out of my hands. I begged for them back while my son screamed at us. Then I remembered I had a spare key to my car in the coat I was wearing. I got up and I can’t remember what I said but I know I said something. I got in the car and drove. I looked for my notes but they weren’t in my purse, I remembered I put them in my desk. I went to wawa and took a doughnut case and wrote my dads contact information and the wish that if my body is recovered to be cremated and sprinkeled over my moms grave.
I drove over the bridge 2x. Ezpass is gonna be mad at me, considering I don’t have one. I was able to stop twice and get out of the car once. It seemed so real and so safe but something got me back in the car. I didn’t feel like I was in control at all. It was strange.
I got home and we had a long talk. He kinda gets what’s going on, but he was still pretty drunk. Idk what’s going to happen tomorrow, but tonight I’m taking a xanax and cuddling with my toddler.
I like you people.