December 17th, 2011 at 2:31 am
im not sure what to say other than i know all your going thru seems like alot right now but life will get better for you it will just take time. I offer this to you becouse i dont want you to kill yourself, wich puzzles me becouse i am thinking of killing myself also and if i am going to end it why care if some totally random person on some blog does the same thing? I think its becouse my life has alot of simularities to yours except it was a long time ago that i was in a simular situation,. i was kicked out of the marines in 1999, for smoking a joint when i was really drunk at a party, twice on different occasions. they didnt like that very much and didnt beleive me, my father disowned me for a second time and my wife at the time left me. i tryed to jump off the barracks at WFTBN, camp pendalton california but the A duty NCO and duty NCO stoped me, phsically, i fought back and almost killed one of them in the process, the A duty NCO who was a sargent at the time got a medal, lol but anyway my point is after that slowly but surely my life got better, until 2007 when i got hurt at my work and have been in debilitating pain that has gotten progressivly worse(like my spelling) since then, coused by a genetic disorder that was triggered by the injury or so it seems , the doctor’s don’t really have all the answers and since im on medicare, they are very slow in there diagnoses, milking the state and my patience. I used to be very active, playing with my kids, and taking them places really enjoying life and my family, but now i cant do anything hardly., it pains me to have my kids see me like this and the longer it goes on the more they forget how i used to be and replace that image with the way i am now. hell, i can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, ive gained over 90lbs in the last few yrs since the accident and my life consist of nothing, i contribute nothing, and it pains me. becouse im not working and am currently disabled wich does not come close to what i used to make driving longhaul, im losing my house,. i had some savings saved up about 40,000 dollars but i put it all into my house fixing it up just before my injury, thought it made sense at the time but if i knew this was going to happen i would of paid down my principal with the money, now the bank is just going to take it., such a waste,……. some days i cry and cant stop, like right now. i hide this the best i can. if im alone i fantasize with my 9mm in my mouth wishing i had the ballz to pull the trigger, what seems to stop me is the thought of my children seeing the mess my brains would make on the floor, other times when im driving alone i see my self wanting to steer into oncoming traffic or a tree, or bridge, but chicken out. luckily i dont get the chance to drive alone very much becouse my girlfriend takes our only car to work and insists on going with me if i go anywhere. yeah, my girlfriend , been with me for 9yrs, mother of my children, she loves me, and i love her but, i feel like i have nothing to offer her anymore,. i have no sex drive becouse of the pain and the medication, on morphine currently, and other stuff. I know its only a matter of time though,, if my symptoms dont improve that she will lose interest in me, hell i dont know how she hasnt yet., im completely detached and my mood swings are rampent, my patence swallowed up by my pain., now is full body and constant….. me and my father dont speek, my mother is frantic normally so hard to talk to, but now my grandmother is dying and she is on defcon 10 all the time so impossible to talk too. so i am talking to you annonamous anybody, dont care what you think, or what you do for obvious reasons but for the moment i will put the gun away for writing this to you, has for some reason made me calm enough i might get some sleep tonight…  so here is too tommorow… happy holidays… let’s both try to make it thru 2012 and take it from there.
4 comments
I’m listening to you 🙂
Today, is another day, yet still to familiar, days and weeks blend into this painfully depressing collage of disapointment. my son who is know 16 knew who i was when i was well and we played and laughed, did all kinds of things together, working out, running, playing paintball, but all that has past now and he seems to only view my present disaster. He has become ultimately lazy, his grades have suffered tremendously and all my advice seems to fall on deaf ears, he see’s me know and thinks im lazy and mimics my state of being,. his light dimmed by my lack of capability. this ultimitly drives my delemma. is it or would it be better if i existed no more, my girlfriend his mother would ultimatly move on and she’s a wonderful person would definitly find someone like who i used to be before this sunami of pain entered my soul. So the kids would have there role model once again, my son may not be saved but my youngest daughter who is 8 would benifit greatly i truly beleive and she is wonderful, a true angel among mankind,. but i see her fading like my son has and all becouse of my worthless state,…,,,,,,,,,, this hand that hold my gun keeps itching me oo what fun, im tired now cant sleep a wink, just a tiny squeeze be over in a blink,. if only i where a stronger person willing to let go,., everything i just said once drove me to continue in hopes i would return cured of all ailments,. but now i know this state of nothing ness is my future, unless i pull the trigger..
im tired
so tired
if i believed in heaven, then there must be a hell, could be worse than the one i am existing in currently? some days i wonder….
be so much easier if i just robbed a bank or grocerie store, walked out side and waved my gun convincingly at the authorities, lean back and thank them for ending it for me…. death by cop,
sounds pretty good right now…..
maybe tommorow…
girlfriend calling me from work.,… be back later…… maybe
im still here, i told her about this blog just know, she seems disinterested, think she secretly would or knows life would better too, if i could go quitly into the night, the cop thing actually sounds like it could be fun, blaze of glory and all that., i dont know,. ii just cant shape this empty, hollow, low feeling.,, a dark passenger that is part of me, growing and growing until i surrender to it., am losing the war,. dont even want to fight
Im listening as well and firstly you have better spelling then im do. Im very jealous.
Okay now secondly im sorry for whats happened to you and im afraid i can’t empathise with you but i can empathise with your son as a very similar situation happened to me when my father died and my mother became suicidal. Its the age when you need the parents the most and they aren’t there for them. Im not trying to be hard just honest, i am suicidal myself and i know how difficult it is to cope. The only thing you can do is let your son know that you are there and try to support him. As for your daughter don’t shut her out. If you need help go and get some its not hard to get a physiatrist or go to rehab and its better for her aswell as you. Haven’t you heard the term fight to live. I know you dont want to live but if you leave your presence will still be there you may be gone but your son will regret it, and what will happen to your daughter. You have too much to live for. Count every good thing you’ve done, every soul you’ve helped.
I very much hope thinks get better for you.
Take care
I will be listening if you reply.