Clueless.

Hey,

I do not know what to say really. I’ve been on the brink of suicide for quite a while I am very anxious so you may get confused while reading. I have been on this site since last year, and I am depressed. I have little energy to live. Now do me one favor. Please do not write comments such as “oh, everything will be better, just wait and see.” If you want to comment, please in form of advice, I am sick of sympathy. So I have lived in an Arab country my entire life. Everything started in kindergarten. I was in a German kindergarten, and I use to bully my classmates without being aware of hurting their feelings. I had a friend with whom I would take tricycles from other classmates. My teachers hated me, I know this as I had pictures of them holding me with firm grip, they ignore me when I see them right now, and finally my mom would tell me of them… I moved to a school as the kindergarten would not accept me, and I hoped to make many friends there. I had the greatest grade one teacher that I ever met. I remember how I would kiss her hand and run away as I heard her laugh. Knowing her allowed me to believe that this world is quite a nice place. in grades 2-5, my school years were pretty miserable. I had only two real friends who were loyal and with whom I could share my consciousnesses with. My school years were miserable because I never really learnt how to communicate with students. My dad during that time was a real dick. He still is of-course… I was beaten as a child, by belt, slipper, hand, and at times dad used to throw things at me like a chair… Which was quite painful.. He would beat me because I would do things that he did not like. He never really told me why I got beaten, but I had to find out myself. So I  felt like I was beaten just for the sake of it. As if suffering comes by chance and I should just expect it. Now if you are still reading, please don’t say “oh, you’ll be thankful for your father and you should love him more” Then don’t. He knows nothing about me, he does not even know what my favorite color is. He and my mom always fight against each other, even then and right now. I don’t think they will ever stop. I am amazed that they are still together, but my dad gets a lot of money from her. My mom does not want to live lonely and all by herself. Which is why I believe they still are together. They don’t love each other, they are considering a divorce which I do not mind, because I’ll be out of the house soon. Back to school, from grades 5-9 I was bullied. Mistreated, from students in various ways which I will not mention as it is not important. What is important is the fact that I feel mistreated by everyone around me and have no one to share my consciousnesses with. I repeated grade 9 and life kinda got better then. My father was still beating me throughout that time and  I still wish to understand why he does that sometimes instead of insulting me. Being raised by this harsh method of physical punishment, allowed me to develop a desire for vengeance I believe. Which I believe it did! I remember beating my mother, giving her blue eyes, as she would get a wooden spoon and strike my head. My dad, well decided to use fists lately. Now this isn’t daily routine of-course, but I just wish I had parents with whom I can do things with… I see so many wonderful families around me and I myself just wish that they could adopt me. Did things get better? A bit. My grades years of 9-10, were better. I actually started making friends. However, I found out I was surrounded by desperate virgins who only wanted me to get them females. Yes, that can go to hell. So I found out that everyone I called friend had used me, or done something else that a friends wouldn’t do. Like remember when I mentioned my two other friends? They both back-stabbed me. One simply chose to hang out with “cooler people” than me. The other back-stabbed me for another friends and almost had me sent to jail. Now I was lucky to be cunning enough to avoid jail, because there suicide isn’t really as easy. In grade 11, that’s when life went funny. I had no friends at that point, and all those who said they were friends only used me. I find this ironic, as I served the people around me, I saved lives, I helped others with their problems…. And in the end I still have mine. It hurts seeing those I tried helping while their lives get worse. I lost around 6 people in my life. Some family, some friends, and my German ancestry was based on suffering. I have a lot of black stories from my ancestry! They are all true! Uncles that have hung themselves…. Some shot themselves, some died to farming equipment such as the shredders which tore someone in my family to shreds from the waist and above… Some of my friends, although used me but I did not mind as I preferred having a friend use me than no one at all, hung themselves. A number died to drugs. Those still alive from suicide attempts want to kill themselves. Yeah, I would like to have a life… I just want to know what its like to smile at someone without having to worry. I have anxiety daily, and I no longer fear death either. I tried killing myself a number of times.. Failed miserly, I tried cutting my wrist and waited till I would bleed in the shower. However, I am damned to think that “there may be hope” Although in my entire life hope kinda hurt me even more. ( which is why I would like you not to say “oh everything will be ok” or anything like that ). Yeah, every person I ever loved  in my life either hated or feared me. I am seen as a stalker, many people think I am insane/crazy. I just want a life and someone to share my consciousnesses with…. I had to mask my life since grade 11 too! So that I won’t get sent to a psychologist. My mom sent me there for 2 years. I think was was during grades 9 to 10. So yeah, I am in grade 12 right now. Still with no friends, still with no purpose. Oh right! Ironically, I protected many others from bullies and then allow them to pick on me so that others don’t suffer. Which is just great, as it kinda makes me misanthropist. However I can’t really be that either. I am jealous… Everyday I see people walk with friends and buddies and family and it reminds me of how pathetic my life it. (Do not say “oh your life is not pathetic, I’m sure things will go out well!”). So yeah, my mom wants to send me to a psychologist again… I just cut myself and whipped myself for relief as my heart was killing me today. I wish I had a heart attack… Oh yeah, random trivia. I quit smoking two weeks ago and managed to stay away from it! I don’t feel better about as smoking could potentially kill me faster. I hate hope, it kills me. Right now I still hope that life could get better, but it does not seem so. So yeah, I may graduate. I am an I.B. student too… So I have enough stress with school. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am clueless, and just don’t know. I know what I want…. Although I doubt I will ever get that. I pray to God everyday since my childhood that I would find someone I could trust. I am still waiting… I will continue to love and serve God of-course…. I am just clueless right now… Thank you for reading… I hope that you, as a reader of this site will have a better life than I had…. and not worse..

Sincerely, The RedG654