I know others have had it worse, but…

I saw people posting their suicide stories, so I decided to post mine. I’m an only child, come from a broken family, and started a relationship at only 11 years old with my cousin. I haven’t cut yet because it would be too obvious – my skin doesn’t heal for years. My dad was never around during my life (I’m thirteen now), and when he was he would abuse me and my mom. I would try to fight him or tell my mom to report him, but I think she hopes that he will change. When I try to fight him, he points a gun at my head. And since he took me to a firing range two years ago, I know that he never misses his target. I’ve tried for suicide 5 times, starting from when I was 7, thinking that I would die and try to come back to share my experience (I was really silly). But my conscience would always stop me. I would think, ‘Who would keep mom safe from dad during my death?’ Another silly suicide attempt was when I was 10, and received a failing grade because I didn’t understand a language. My parents want me to be on the top of my class, so I knew that if I showed them this, I wouldn’t need to commit suicide. But despite that, I crumpled up the card and threw it into the dumpster behind our school. I went home and grabbed one of our sharpest knives in the kitchen and stabbed myself. Tried to, anyway. I have a small scar on my chest as evidence. I remembered my abusive father and ran, yes, RAN all the way back to school (which is 15 kilometers away from the gate of our subdivision) just to ask for another copy of the card. They gave me one and I showed it to my parents. My dad slapped me three times after that and my mother pulled my waist-long hair. She suffers from dad and yet punishes me. Heh. Anyway, due to my dad’s job, he’s away from us for six years and comes back for 3 years, abusing us in that duration. I felt so depressed that when they were at work, I tried killing myself two times and failed. When we visited my cousin, he wanted to try an experiment on me, and it led to us having a secret relationship. I won’t write anything else regarding that. So, back at school again, I talked to some of our counselors, but they all told me to “stick it out” and that “others have it worse than you, Lily.” I agree with that. I listen to some of my friends who say they want to die just because their mom slapped them once. I keep a cheery expression on my face at school, try stay at the top of my class, and listen to all of them complain. Sometimes it gets boring, and I want to yell out my past to them, but instead I just say that other people have it worse than them. They never listen.

I also suffer from favoritism because my classmate are the attractive ones and the school queens and princesses. I’m liked at school by the students, but the teachers just despise me. They try to mask it, but they’re TERRIBLE actors. My math teacher supposedly threw a notebook at one of my annoying classmates, but it hit me at the base of my neck. She said sorry and that she was aiming at my classmate, but I knew she was lying because that classmate was seated at the front row to her left while I was seated at the back row to her right. And when she said “Sorry, Lily, I didn’t mean it but I don’t think that hurt you anyway”, her eyes were oozing glee. That event happened when I was twelve. Now, I’ve threatened my father that I would report him to the authorities and that the charges that I myself would file against him would be not providing child support, and physical abuse against women. He thinks I’m an idiot though. My mom says that when we have enough money, we’re going to file for ANNULMENT. But I’ve been having nightmares about him coming back into our lives and once tried to throw myself off our balcony. I survived the fall without a scratch (and I wonder how when that was three floors up and there were rushing cars and spiky gates below). My mom tried to bring me to a psychiatrist, but I convinced her I was fine. The most recent time I tried to commit suicide was a few weeks ago by looking for the gun my dad entrusted to me. I found it, but the bullets weren’t there. Bah, humbug.

So far, my life’s okay – my relationship is…pretty much alright, my mom’s stressed but working it out, my dad’s out of our lives and the rest of our family knows about his infidelity and abuse, and my friends are forever complaining to me about their suicidal tendencies. Hopefully you guys have a Happy 2012. 🙂