I don’t know where to go from here. The last year has been absolute hell for me, and in ways yes i am being selfish, everyones had their hard times, but somehow i don’t seem to handle it quite as good as they have. I have lost a good friend to suicide, another friend to an accident, and my ex boyfriend in a car crash…all before the end of the summer. Although to everyone else im this very sarcastic, bubbly, outgoing character, inside ive died a little. I paint on a smile. I hide my feelings. Even when i do break down it wont be long before i snap back and insist everythings fine.
Theres already been a few times ive had to stop myself from doing anything stupid, and theres been one occasion that i became so weak i gave in. Its obvious i was unsuccessful, but i was damn close. My parents know nothing of whats went on with me personally and ive reassured them i’m ok. Truth is i dont know what to do. I cant be truly happy. I try sooo sooo hard to keep my spirits up, but its all an act. All i want to do is curl up in bed and never wake up. It sounds so dramatic, but i cannot go on like this. It hurts everytime i smile because i know how much pain is behind it. I don’t think i can do this anymore.
2 comments
hey lost,
thats a really nice post and very honest and brave. well done for getting it out.
You should def try talking to a family member who would understand, or a school therapist possibly or local GP and ask if he can recommend a good therapist.
When bad things happen to use when we are young, we should talk to an adult about it and get it out.
You cant chnage the past – ur friends passing or the car crash etc,….but you can change your future.
Does that seem helpful?
Hey lost, I hear you loud and clear. I haven’t had anyone die but the most important people in my life have left me alone. I know what its like to want to stay curled up in bed. All I want to do is sleep so my head doesn’t ache and I don’t have to think about all that has happened. I’ve gone so deep into feeling worthless and useless that I have people convinced that I’m okay. I was called a good actor recently because I hide so good what I truly feel. I am so alone but find peace and acceptance on this site. I just wanted you to know that here you are not alone and that someone relates to you. Keep pushing forward you never really know what will happen. Things may seem that they will never improve but here you might find something that might help. Last night here all the tears I was crying were replaced with smiles and laughter. Its been a long time since I have smiled. I wish you the best.