I will die today…

Here i am, 2 and a half months after i fell back into a deep depression. I am young, tired and now ready to pass on to the certain nothingness. I am to talk with the love of my life in a few hours. The very last time I believe I will hear her pulchritudinous voice… I am a young male with OCD, It had lead to a deep depression several years prior. How you may ask, one word, certainty. I am absolutely absessed with certainty, while nothing in life is certain except death. I can only feel comfort when i am certain, my 2 year relationship felt like a dream of certainty, everything I ever could want would be achieved with her. (she also is OCD and has been depressed for just as long as i have). I am the pickiest man alive, I know I could never move on, never try to live without her, never settle. I crave and need the best. This discussion that is so near is merely of whether we can be friends, if this was to work out, i know one day we could be together… However, she (who always wanted friends the day we broke up) is now almost unsure, she believes the damage of having me as a friend to me would be to much.  I have reassured her that the only damage that would be done is if we were to completely sever any ties. Still she insisted, however I brought up any strong logical arguments that she decided to think on, but I feel hopeless that they will change her mind, she is as stubborn as me, strong and unyielding… We both know that we can’t move on or have anyone else, but without being there to help her, i feel more useless then i did prior to our relationship. I feel death is the only certainty that I can no longer feel this pain that makes me unable to function. I have explored almost every possibility, every option to help me cope, and i know my death will hurt her, but she also “feels” less then most other humans. I know she can get through it, I would write a lot more but I am to lost in my mind. These thoughts are random and all over the place and may not seem to make sense, i know there is VERY important details i have left out that makes this hard to say anything about.. I am just to tired to continue writing… so much easier in my mind… I will possibly write more later. hopefully then this’ll make more sense…. ugh how I can’t wait to welcome death and its warm embrace, long ago I have accepted it, I welcome the pain prior to death, it is a test of my strength, of what I can withstand. The final test of my life… so wonderful