the plan: or how I put the coal in my xmas stocking to good use
I don’t feel much better today. I think my issue is more chemical than I realized. I went out with some friends last night for dinner and it was simply amazing. We had a great time, laughing and talking (i was high though; couldn’t face a human face without raising my mood from my suicide note mood).
I really want to quit smoking but, I remember too well what life was like before. It’s the same as it is now, only I’m ignorant of more things. I smoke and I notice too much, analyze too much. If I stop, I’ll still be me, just less. My issues with enjoyment will lessen.. I know that it will help and from there I’d be more open to therapy and the like.
I guess it’s all about courage because smoking is all I have and to give it up would be like dropping a best friend. it’s the only thing that I can say causes me to feel happy, or at least be open to it. I mentally divide my life into pre-pot and the high times. A large part of me doesn’t want there to be a post-pot because of everything it offers. But it’s taking away so much; things I never cared about until I realized that, apart, my life is nothing, but together, the puzzle makes sense.
It makes it easier to not care about things that I know, logically, I shouldn’t care about it. Heartbreak? Smoke up. Stress at work? Smoke up. Sadness? Smoke up. But, looking at it objectively, smoking just postpones; it’s the easy way out, but it’s not actually a way out. I barely care about anything now and it’s what I wanted. I wanted to stop caring about all of the things that caused me harm, instead of facing them and overcoming. Telling yourself not to care and “move on” isn’t the same as overcoming; I see that now.
What is there to fix in my life though? I’m not speaking to my father or grandmother, two huge influences in my life, people who raised me selflessly. I got tired of my dad trying to help/save me because I usually ended up worse off; and annoyed with my grandmothers devout belief in God.
In my mind, I don’t need them, but maybe my body does. I need that biological connection to other lifeforms, get back in touch with my emotions.
My emotions are an angry ocean, so I smoke them away, good and bad. I was never really happy pre-pot but at least then I didn’t feel the unhappiness. Seems I’m at a crossroads:
continue destroying my old self by smoking, let my social life go to shit; focus on me and to hell with everything else
or
go back and rebuild my old self: quit smoking, make amends with those around me, get therapy and maybe medication if necessary, and then maybe I’ll be able to feel happiness without strings attached.
It’s what it’s come down to because I don’t enjoy, I don’t take pleasure in most everything. I like people watching(grew up watching national geographic) and taking joy in others’ misfortune(shaudenfreud-defense mechanism in response to my anhedonia). I went to Cuba once and hated the sun and natural beauty; didn’t see a point to it, how I was supposed to enjoy nice looking surroundings(how do I convert that to happiness/enjoyment?)
In my larval state, I enjoyed video games and tv shows a plenty; I was hooked on entertainment(and still am to a point) and maybe this plays a role too. No princesses to save or evil twin brothers to battle.. Life isn’t the way I thought it’d be when I was growing up.
I dont want to die, but living this human life doesn’t get my heart pumping like a good platformer RPG. I still don’t know what I want.
I have things that i think I want, but they all come with strings, but that’s life I guess right? We’re supposed to get involved and be weighed down by life, to stop from thinking of how meaningless it all is.
Dear Universe,
I know that you’re not alive, that I live within absurdity; I know you don’t care or have the capacity to care. I know you can’t do anything to help me but, it’ll make me feel a little better to ask. Can you please give me a little hope? Send something my way that will let me believe that if I continue living, things will get better. I really don’t believe it right now and it hurts, it really hurts. SHow me something that will make me want to act right again, that will make me see a point in something, anything. Give ME something, just for me. I need something other than the words of man. I’m exactly where I wished to be, I have no delusions about this. Now, I wish to be somewhere else. I want to be different, feel differently than this and I just need the slightest bit of energy to take that first step in a new direction. Once I get going, I’m gone, I just need help with the first step. Give me a “sign”.
2 comments
I’m at the other end to you. I consider my ‘good’ days to be the ones where I don’t feel anything and I just want them to go on forever. Unfortunately they don’t. You’re probably right, though, in saying that we’re supposed to get involved – and suffer – in order to live.
Have you decided what you’re going to do? I hope you find an answer. Good luck.
hey tphg; I just wanted to say that for a guy who claims to be a chronic pothead, your writing is quite lucid. I enjoy reading your essays.
Quitting smoking is very difficult. I was high pretty much the entire time I was awake between the ages of 22-25. When I was 25 I got into a profession that administers random drug testing. One of the conditions of getting hired was taking a pre employment drug screen. Even after getting hired, I knew that my number could come up at any time. “Report to the clinic, pee in a cup”.
So I quit. The first 6 months of reality were a bit over whelming. Dealing with life without the aid of any sort of chemical supplements was almost too much. People seemed harsh, colors were more vibrant than I’d remembered, everything was raw, unfiltered. Being high had managed to take the edge off of life’s sharp corners, and after I emerged from the self induced fog I was forced to confront the unforgiving glare of daylight.
It’s a double edged sword. On the one hand, I stopped over analyzing everything and focused on the minutia of day to day living. Work hard, make money, be a productive member of a consumer based society. Without weed, I spent a lot less time pondering life’s great mysteries. (You know, “Why are we here”? Where do I fit into the grand scheme of things”? “What is my destiny”?)
I guess it was a form of selling out and joining the rat race. If you participate in the game, the mindless struggle of life, you find yourself too engrossed to let your mind wander. It seems like happy, content, “well adjusted” people spend most of their energy pushing forward in the external world, instead of “thinking too much”. It’s very easy to live inside your head when you’re high most of the time.
I’m not sure if anything I’ve written is of any use to you. All I’m trying to say is I’ve been where you’re at now, and changing was not easy. If you decide to be proactive and quit smoking, and work towards building for a better tomorrow, you’ll still be riddled with the same underlying issues that prompted you to start smoking initially.
The desire to alter an unpleasant reality through chemical compounds definitely resonates with me. Good luck, I hope you’re able to break through and find whatever it is you’re looking for.