1. write suicide notes
2. give them out
3. if a singularity within my life doesn’t occur as a result, suicide
I’m tired of existing, seriously tired of it. I’ve reached the end of my life. Not in school, no desire to go back; just working to keep myself alive. No girlfriend/lover, just girl friends who I love dearly. Tons of family that adores me but they represent most of what I hate about humanity. I can’t stop myself from being me, or I should say, I don’t want to stop myself from being me.
I’m lazy; I don’t want to work for the life that I desire. So a last ditch effort, tell everyone exactly what I think of them and see if that causes any waves in my life, any sort of change that might make me want to stick around longer. Or, I’ll alienate everyone that ties me to life making it that much easier to suicide. I’m smart, resourceful; I wish I could whipe my memory and allow my brain to create a new personality but it is what it is. I’m throwing away all of my potential simply because the world isn’t all the way at my feet.
I actually have to put effort into what I desire. Does everyone in the world feel that pang of anxiety and mental fogginess to the degree that I do when trying? Everyone supposedly feels it, the fear of the unknown, but it seems to physically manifest with me causing catatonia.
So, I give up. All I wanted was a fricken girlfriend, someone to be my companion; someone that was mine and me hers. But it’s not possible; my psyche is broken. I’m too robotic; Not interested in traditional human affairs. Incredibly shy despite my outspoken nature(again, my fear physically manifests). I’m done.. just a wife and some kids to raise; I didn’t even want them to all be mine. I wanted to adopt and raise them right; I love kids like that girl loves dogs(read dawgs post – http://suicideproject.org/2012/01/sometimes-you-can-succeed-even-when-you-dont-believe/). I wish I could take all of the abused and abandoned kids of the world and bring ’em to a big house/castle and give them knowledge for life that’s actually useful. Create an army of forward thinking global citizens.
Doesn’t matter anyway, what I want. At the end of the “day”(I’ve never fully subscribed to our linear perception of time), I’m a virus just like every other human being. It’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that in this grand opera, humanity is the villain. I don’t believe we’re capable of bringing down the entire planet(not yet) but we’re stinking it up pretty bad. I’m a virus, planet earth is a cell and the unvierse is a body that I can’t comprehend. So what if I die; as I leave, 20 others will be born into the world. Viral, we’re viral.
And among the viral bodies, I can’t function correctly. Anxiety takes over my body and I go on auto pilot. I’ll tell you something; I have a crush on a co-worker and I’ve been planning how to woo her. So I was leaving the office yesterday and she says that she’ll ride the elevator down with me. All I could think in my head is that I wish I’d left 5 minutes earlier; didn’t want to deal with her and the anxiety that would eventually flood my mind and body.
I want to live but I can’t and won’t. I’m stubborn. I’ll be sure to say goodbye to you guys after I’m done the plan. I doubt my life will change after handing out suicide notes. God and pills will be thrown in my direction and I’m not with any of that nonsense. This is how I am. Yes, I smoke pot round the clock. At 25, marijuana has turned me into the bitter old man that I would have become at 60 or 70 anyway. This was all inevitable; my body is against me. I’m not a good viral specimen I suppose.
Life offers me no rewards anymore. I know I’m incapable of courting a woman. Real, living flesh bodies frighten the hell out of me. Everything scares me. There are mice in my ceiling and I’m afraid to go back home. I love, I feel I can love, but love what? Who or what is mine to love?
1. write suicide notes
2. hand them out and hope something extraordinary happens
3. when I start getting showered with pity, kill self
5 comments
“All I wanted was a fricken girlfriend, someone to be my companion; someone that was mine and me hers. But it’s not possible; my psyche is broken.”
Sorry, there is no such thing as a ‘broken pysche’, there is only thoughts, and they are malleable ie changeable/fluid and can ALWAYS be changed from better to worse OR worse to better.
Your issue sounds more like classic avoidance behavior. More then anything, you seem to fear Fear? Smoking dope all day does even the best minds harm, so you are doing yourself no favours in helping yourself to change.
Life can provide rewards, but you also must provide effort.
The Elevator to an easy life is out of order, you must take the stairs. Are you prepared?
Ad Astra Per Aspera.
I don’t pity you. You remind me quite a bit of my ex fiancee. I moved a THOUSAND miles to be with him even though he felt beyond low and had nothing tangible to offer me – adastra is right on the effort bit. Without effort everything else crumbles.
What’s scarier? the 20 seconds of forced pretend bravery it takes to connect with a co worker on an elevator ride or the prospect of dying alone? If you kill yourself as is, you’re facing the scarier of the two options head on – I’d say that makes you more than brave enough to tackle life.
You can look at a virus as a negative thing but regardless it’s still an impressive organism.
And if it helps, we humans have a big head – the earth is going to be just fine. We’re a blip of a blip of a blip to this ancient rock we live on. There’s nothing we could do to it that would actually hurt it. Only things that can hurt us in our lifetime, the earth’s lifetime is beyond our comprehension.
We’re more like ants. Tiny, violent and self important…. still, none the less significant in their own way.
Ive wanted to die ever since I was born..& apparently the ones that think that way live a long life..I met a man who was 104 yrs old..sitting on a couch and he told me he wanted to die..he has had a very hard life but can u imagine how smart that man was. Anyways, all he really needed was someone to talk to..someone to tell him that he was still able to get up and look at the beautiful things in life. Ive seen the dark side & its a very scary place to be..honestly it takes a phone call to a minister or even getting up and not allowing Satan to make you think those thoughts. Ive seen more things in life that people look at me when I tell them and they tell me to stop that I’m scarying them. When you just allow God into your life..he can do anything. Your purpose on this earth may not yet be known to you but God knows and he will guide you. Think about it..would you want to die before gods purpose. You might be dying to save a child crossing the street..but you would be honored in gods eyes..just open your mind to what as yet to come..patience is very difficult until you realize its not about YOU!
sorry to jump in …would really like to talk to you chrissie….could you visit me in my post Welcome to the Land of Oz….if you wouldn’t mind…thanks
Amakua
thanks to all of you for your comments; I want/need people to be straight with me about my behaviour. I’ve realized a few things since last night, my real issue is simply one of pleasure. I have such a hard time deriving pleasure from anything that it’s created this “what’s the point?” attitude in me. I think I’m going to make an appointment with my doctor