    (the following is a letter I recently wrote in serious consideration with my personal thoughts. Sorry its not Hollywood style beautiful, but it is how I am feeling at the moment)
My dearest family, friends and anyone else that this letter may find its way too… This, in the end, may b worth nothing more then a bad joke because there r no words I can say to express how sorry I am… Sorry that I was blind to the blessings I already had and was selfish enough to think my problems were all that mattered. Sorry that I was too cowardice to take life for wut it was worth. Sorry that I let myself feel lost enough to have robbed u of anything more to do with me and replaced it with pain, anger or disbelief. And sorry that I felt I had to go above wut God had intended for me.
    I believe in God with all of my heart. He has done amazing things and even sent his only son to die for our sins. I don’t want to think of wut Iv done as an act against God or even that I lost trust in him… I just reached a point where I couldn’t bare the pain I was feeling any longer… I pray that we have a God understanding enough to forgive me. In words of attempted comfort, Iv chosen to believe that not everyone who has done wut Iv done goes to hell. I hope that God will shed eternal grace on me and I will get to see my loved ones again someday.
    I have been making tremendous mistakes in my life as far back as I can remeber and I started to feel like they would have defined my life… I felt like I never belonged. Like I was never going to achieve anything… Like I was letting everyone down. Unfortunately I felt like, this time, my biggest mistake haunted me enough to ultimately destroy me… Although still young enough to learn… I felt old enough to know wut unbarable sorrow is. Sometimes we get exactly wut we deserve… But sumetimes that can b just a little too much…
    To my loved ones. Please don’t place any blame on urselves. U all put an unspeakable amount of effort forth to help me learn, grow, and live. The love that each of u shed on me was magnitudes more then I deserved, especially u mom. I wish that I could have shown u my appreciation for everything uv done. This was just bigger then anything u could have taught me or I could have learned. Please ease ur hearts and calm ur fears, though, because I’m alright…
    To those of u that shared a treacherous past with me in one way or another… Set aside any guilt, if any existed, and hear my apologies as well. Although it may b easy to think that my actions were influenced by our history… I assure u it was bigger then our misunderstandings. My only hope is that in this, we can finally settle our differences and b at peace.
    And finally to my loveliest ******… My heart bled for u the most. I hope that u were not affected negatively by my selfishness, yes, but I am even more sorry that I was blinded to ur awesome beauty for so long. That I never took the time to truely make u mine. That I put u through so much pain and confussion… U taught me so much about myself while on this earth. U showed me how to face the unfaceable, how to achieve the unachievable, and that’s its possible for a person to love the unlovable. The list would b endless and carry on even through death, but the most important thing u showed me was the meaning of true love far beyond that of simple infatuation. People said I was sad only because I missed wut I could no longer have. Maybe in a way, yes, because it did take losing u to open my eyes… But it was more of a sence that I had thrown away the greatest thing that had ever happened to me and I knew I would never get her back. That no one in this world would ever make my heart beat in the rhythm that u did. I lost more then just my best friend, and… Although I deserved it… THAT was too much to bare. These past 6 months were the hardest months of my life and prior to them I only thought I knew wut hard times were. I just wish I would have found myself sooner and gave u the life that u so deserved, but I hope that in this I can finally let u go… I want u to attain true love because if anyone deserves it, its u. Don’t ever change, babe! Don’t ever let anyone’s selfish actions change u. U r the most amazing person that God ever touched and u r destined for greatness. Please forgive me and know that I will always love u no matter where the wind carries me. I will love all of u!
11 comments
I have to say that that is well-written.
@desperation57 uve put alot of thought into this, and i say that that notes better than anything i could write, its calm and collected for the most part. But i ask, If you will indulge me, for youre reasons for this most definite action
God doesn’t need to forgive you, you may feel the need to forgive yourself. You seem very apologetic about a lot of things…saying you’re sorry for this and that. Truthfully, if I was resolute with my decision I would feel no guilt or sorrow as all parts of me were in agreement that, I had enough and was choosing to move on. I can relate because I wrote countless good-bye letters not knowing if I would be around to communicate and express my feelings to my loved ones. If I wrote a letter now, it would simple say I love you and we’ll see each other again at some point. This is just feedback, not criticism of your letter…just encouragement to make sure your head is clear about what you’re planning on doing. Take care.
Thank u for the compliments. I think iv been in pain long enough to have created some kind of filing system for all my feelings to have them in some kind of order… Unfortunately, because of the length of time Iv been in pain… Iv reached a so called “boiling point.” @ softsoul I appreciate ur feedback as well and find it comforting that someone can relate on this level. I think I constantly float in and out of feeling resolute with my decision. I feel so overwhelmed and consumed with hurt at times that I feel not even the need to say goodbye. Then I think about how much pain I may be leaving others in and I just want the chance to atleast communicate an apology…
Well everything sounded somewut rational up til now… Wut follows will come across as immature and even ridiculous, but… U can’t always choose the reasoning. @ procel u asked wut drove me to these feelings… The last part of my letter… I throw away something so great… Something that always pulled me out of this slump… All over some insecurities… And now Iv recently learned that I lost this forever… This is exactly wut I deserve, but… Too much to bare… I feel embarassed to share this cuz I know how ridiculous this sounds, but… Love is a powerful thing whether good or bad.
hey Des theres nothing to be to be embarased about hell we all know what its like to fuk that shit up. i ust have someone who helped me out alot then i brilliantly fuked that up, just before i found this place… im not goin to tell u that ull get over this and im not going to plead with u to stay around, even tho id love if u did man, ur obviously deeply intelligent and it would be a shame to loose u… but the people on the site can be here for u, we can try our best to drag u from the slumps… would it be possibel for you to go back nd say sorry to her? atleast get back on good terms
Nd man if theres one thing bout this sight i love is how u can say anything u want nd no one will judge u
^ment to say that thats me procel but i had to change my name
Why?
Well thank u kindly for the compliment slainte. I don’t feel very intelegent or maybe just lost the drive to do anything with it… And that absolutely kills me. My accomplishments r so little and my tank of ambitions is completely empty. The only time that that wasn’t an issue was when I was with her. She either made me want to become a better person or made me feel like I was already good enough. Iv tried to apologize a few times already, but with an underlined agenda of getting her back… Now its too late to do a simple and genuine apology because I don’t think she’ll listen at this point. After the whirlwind of emotions and directions I drug her through, she immediately found someone else… I think as a rebound, but who am I to say… The only thing that has kept me going thus far was the idealistic hope that I would get another chance to show her wut I really wanted… I found out a few days ago that she got engaged… The 4 years we spent 2herbert was diluted by all the uncertainty I felt when we were together… After 7 short months with this new guy… She’s ready to marry him? That’s the pain I have2 live with for the rest of my life, if I choose to… I’m sorry, I know this is all too sappoy and I probably sound like I’m 13 or sum’n… I know this isn’t a “heart breakers anonymous” group, but… I read sumwhere that love is one of the highest contributing factors to suicide… I can see y
ughi changed bac to Procel, it works better nd im more comfortable, let him find me.
U my man have an important choice coming up, uve said u tried getting back with her and arterial motives, which i presume she saw nd left…without knowing the fulls ins and outs i recon u have only a few choices. 1. u give up, u say nothing to her loose her… Or you can Get up nd try nd get her in ur life one more time. I think u should go to her, ask for a couple minutes nd just be honest. sit her down nd explane everything, explane ur suicidal, that at times u push everyone away and u get really depressed, explane she was what kept u going and whatever else u feel u need to say. Then u come to an important part. You have to decide whether togo for it all or not. u have to tell her u want her back as ur best friend or that u still love her nd ask her to leave her fiance for you…
Personally i know id probably go for broke nd ask her to leave him, but i know its the least likely one to get a yes so if u want my advice go for getting her back as ur best friend, unless u think its worth it… i dunno man its up to u what u do, but dont u deserve to give it another try, i mean four years man, surely one last shunt not too much, i mean the worst she can do is say no nd ur back here with us, where we bring u back, nd keep u from the edge as best we can
Hey man this sight is for what evers bothering someone, no matter how small or big we here to listen man so dont ever feel bad bout bringing something up. If it matters to u it matters to us (ps not implying this a small problem or anything cause its not)
Oh Procel, I really appreciate the fact that ur taking the time to listen to me and converse about all this. Its cuz of people like u that a website like this can b succesful… Yes I did write her already. An email, a FB message and even an old school paper letter. Each of those contained full hearted appologies, but… Like I said, there was always this underlined intent in each of them to just get her back. She stopped responding at all after the first and by now, even if I was to just forget about tryin to get her back and just focus on apologizing, I believe she still wouldnt respond. So, unfortunately I have no reason to believe that she would even want to sit and listen to me if I asked her to talk. But I wish it was that simple, my friend. Unfortunately, with all the background story and “its complicated”ness, its never going to be that easy. I wish there was like an “upload” button to share my history so I could get some fully comprehensive advice (not to impugn any of ur input or advice thus far) I am definitely a hopeless romantic at heart (thats probably wut got me into alot of this situation in the first place) and i definitely wear my heart on my sleeve, as u can tell… I would love nothing more to have this Hollywood moment where I can tell her how sorry I am for all my wrong doings… For dragging her along for 4 years and never really making her mine all because of some stupid insecurities. For letting her go just cuz I seen the chance to cling on to an old dream… And then tell her how incredibly much I love her and wut she means to me. THEN b brave enough to ask her to leave her fiance cuz I don’t want her to jump into something just because he’s showing her wut I didn’t… I absolutely think she’s worth it… Unfortunately the stars, moons and planets all have2 align for this to even happen much less it turn out positive for me… This whirlwind of emotions is wut drive me closer and closer to making that final decision every day. And… I don’t know y I’m so concerned with sounding so ridiculous. I think its because iv read so many other stories on here and… Mine just seem so minuscule… However, I can’t deny that this does bring me tremendous amounts of pain beyond reasoning.
its no troubel man, im always around if not here then via email, nd na man its not people like me that make this work rather people brave enough to post their issues, i just say what i think is right thats all.
hmm not ur best move to have the undertonesm but im fealing u know that already. but dont dispare over that we all make mistakes but u gotta learn from them man, u know what wont work… but if u give her enough time, whats to say u cant get the friendship back, i mean even the greatest fictions are based on fact man, so hollywood moments are just rip offs of real life. ahh if only we could share our stories like that, then it would be so much easier to give answers. Us hopless romantics seem to be the most suicidal people ever, guess its our lack of hope… Its not my place but why did u let her go? (ive got the feeling ur going to say for ur band) I dont doubt for a minute u love her man. i dont think u should kill urself for this, i mean were all here for u man, to provide shelter while the whirlwind rages outside our little bunker. I dont doubt ur in pain over this man but it can get better than this,all u need is time, give it enough time nd u can get ur friend back too. but dont kill urself cause even without knowing everything i know for sure thats not what she wants. Remember that. She doesnt want to see u dead.