fml

i am a young mother. i lost my mom when i was 17. i had my son when i was 19. i love him and his father so much . we all live together. but life has been sooo…. messed up and it hurts me so much. i constantly battle with myself over everything. yes i have depression. and it doesnt help me being told i need to be fucking medicated, all the time. my dad disowned me. banished me from his life and my little brothers. i dont do anything. i recently moved to a city where i have no one. i cant talk to my fiance, he just makes me feel worse and we always end up fighting. my life revolves around him and our son. he tells me its all my fault and it is. but should i be punished and pushed away for wanting to be the best for them? i dont really want to be here anymore. i know i shouldnt say that because i have a beautiful child to think about. but he has his daddy who loves him and will care for him. i just dont know how much more pain i can handle. for my life being so short, i am exhausted. ive thought about all the ways i could end it… and i have plenty of time alone to do it. pills, boiling water over my face, drink and entire container of bleach. jump in front of a speeding car. he keeps pushing me away. im going nuts here.  i hate how my life has changed sooo much recently. before we moved we didnt fight. now i cry all the time. im lonely. and it doesnt matter how many people are around. they dont get me. and its not fair. i cant deal anymore. when people look at me, i dont think they see anyone worth getting to know, hell i dont, i just want to sleep and never wake up again. i want to live in my dreams because reality is way too cruel for me. im lost and need someone to talk to. who wont judge. or make me feel less than i already do. if it doesnt change soon. there will be no more me.