…and I feel terrible. I married 11 years ago and she was diagnosed with bipolar a few months later. Since then, we’ve had good times, bad times, up times and down times. There have even been normal times. But she changed meds three years ago and got very ill. Since then, I’ve done everything I can and it’s made me very, very ill. I crashed late last year and had to be rescued by a friend who became my partner. I’m weighed down with guilt and self-loathing and all I can think about is ending it.
My real name is Richard, by the way, not Verkitso. Feels like that matters right now.
15 comments
Wow, thats a big situation, but you have to do what is best for you. You can’t stay with you “wife” if you dont love her as much as your partner .
As much as you loved your wife, no one is here to save anyone…would be nice to have that power. Guilt is an aspect of fear and you may want to ask yourself why you feel guilty and if it’s well founded. You made a decision to marry, she became bi-polar, it was a challenge, you crashed, you’re with someone else. This is life…we think we’re bad people when things do not go according to plan, we’re not a reflection of our experiences or circumstances…we just do our best amidst them and it’s important to not unnecessarily take on burdens that we do not have control over. Self loathing and all that is just you beating yourself up…how is that helping you? Your current partner was in a place to help you, so I encourage you to become follow the same example she set for you which is for you to help you. Your ex wife, God love her will be looked after. Focus and intend on it. It’s a form of prayer that can and is very powerful. Cheers!
Is the guilt and the self-hatred at leaving her? It sounds like you had to. Now is another bad time; it’s not forever. Stay strong. You did what you had to do, and you did everything you could do. Hope you come back to talk… 🙂
People with a conciense go through things like this. It’s normal. One small suggestion, have you considered asking your ex wife for forgiveness? Even is she wont grant it, having the courage and humility to ask is the first step on the path to healing.
Thanks for all your comments, which I’ve read with great interest.
To provide some more detail, I started taking Citalopram myself nearly four years ago to deal with some of the stress-related symptoms of living with a bipolar person. After she changed her meds, all she wanted to talk about was how she shouldn’t have changed her meds, over and over again for nearly three years. It drove me insane and as I said earlier, I ended the year by becoming quite ill indeed. I’m weaning myself off Citalopram now, but I’ve been with her for so long that I can’t see an identity for myself beyond that of carer. And, at 38, I’m terrified that I just lost my shot at having children. I’m so sad.
Hi 🙂
I don’t think you’ve lost your shot at having children. I understand how difficult it must be for you right now, but don’t let things scare you or make you feel bad… If you don’t mind me asking, do you have a job? You might like caring for someone else, but maybe it’s best to focus on yourself now. You might feel lost, but in the long run you might find now is just a chance for something new… it’s so hard to feel like that when you’re sad or depressed, especially the worse it gets, but give yourself time.
Hey richard dont feel bad sounds like you put in a few hard yards.i have bipolar and i have a friend who also has it and she has very challenging behaviour,she repeats the same story word for word at least 3 weeks to anyone who will listen then another one takes its place she is on her fourth husband so you are doing ok.you have to remember its not your fault you gave it your all.38 isnt too late to have kids just marry someone 5-10 years younger my husband is 11 years older than me and super understanding.my biggest fear was he would leave me when i got diagnose actually i said run if you want shit i would he laughed and said nah its ok i have worse problems than you (hes a tetraplegic)he joked it would be hell training another wife….i digress though for your situation is different im on the other side..i dont see leaving her as wrong sometimes things dont work out especially when an illness such as bipolar pops up is it 1 or 2? There is a great book called surviving bipolar what you and your family need to know maybe trying to understand what its all about will help you work through your guilt you shouldnt feel bad ok richard?check the comment thread and you will see my email im happy to support you and answer any questions you might have knowledge is power understanding is a relief.oh and dont worry my bipolar is well under control im 43 and you can see by my writting ive got it under control take care
Thanks again for all your further comments. Trix and Molly especially, what you said has been hugely useful. And to answer your question, Trix, I do have a job. I’m a writer. I work for a magazine publishing company based in west London and I start back there on Friday. I’m aware that this is a positive step, but it also feels like a scary one. I should also say that I’m amazed by the kindness of people who have posted here.
🙂
That sounds great, and a very positive step. I think it’s great however bad you’re feeling if you can try to stay connected to other people. Let me know how it goes?
I know how scary things like that can feel. The best thing you can do is try to stay calm. Not very useful advice, but you know what I mean – not thinking about it too much and letting panic build up in advance. It’ll be okay.
Thanks, Trix. Those look like very wise words and I’d be happy to let you know how it goes. Maybe I can post here on Friday, when the first day at work is done. I’m in the UK – don’t know about you – so the timing may be a little weird if you’re in the US.
And how about you? How come you find yourself here?
I’m in the UK too, so your time will be the only one I understand on here!
I don’t really have a particular reason for being here or feeling bad, I just have depression and social anxiety, and they’ve grown a lot worse over the past couple of years. Thanks for asking about me. 🙂
Hey, Trix. Thought you were an American, which is generally a safe assumption when talking to people on the internet! Well, I’m now back at the flat which I’m supposed to be sharing with my new partner, feeling very small and very scared. Work tomorrow which, paradoxically, seems like it’ll be easy.
I don’t know if we’re allowed to share email addresses here, but I’m Pendleton [at] btinternet.com … and if you want to tell me more about you, fire away!
Hi 🙂 I don’t envy you going to work, I feel a complete hypocrite saying it’ll be okay – I feel frightened just leaving the house, and I barely step outside nowadays. I’d like to email you, but would it bother you that I’m younger than you? I’m 18 next week. I never care what age people are, and I know especially on this site there’s people of all different ages talking, but I know it makes some people uncomfortable.
Well, Trix, you see wise beyond your years, because I had you pegged for being in your mid thirties, so I guess that’s a compliment. Er… I think. And no, it doesn’t bother me that you’re 17 going on 18 for that very reason. Drop me an email if you want and we can talk some more. I’m guessing that you’re at sixth form or college, which is a tough time for some of the toughest people. And if you’re not, then at least you have time and space to work out which way you’re headed. The most important thing I wish someone had told me at that age was that there’s no hurry – take your time and answers will suggest themselves.
Hey,
I sent you an email last night, but don’t feel you have to read it straight away… it’s ridiculously long. Tell me how work went when you get a minute. 🙂