Just joined today…. I guess its true what they say about seattle having the highest suicide rate. Ill be the next statistic to add to that list. Its so fucking difficult to have any self confidence or self respect when no one around you doesane the things about me I like get made fun of whenvi share them. I guess it makes sense that the world which I’m in now is too far a cry from me. Like really how am I going to feel suicidale over a drug dealer boy rfriend who hasn’t got shit for himself? He makes me feel lower than scum but in the end its like are u serious? Ur unedcucated dishonest still selling drugs aned living in a motel at how old? Right. But I look down on me too cuz of how low I let myself rall. Ew I’m a drug addicted escort.
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Don’t be a statistic. Honestly, it sounds like you’re a smart person. You’ve let yourself get with the wrong guy (?). Don’t let him bring you down. It’s going to take some time but think about what you want. Even if you aren’t in a position to get it (need money or whatever) keep it in the view. Remember when you were a kid? Remember what you wanted to be or thought you could be? Those may not be the same goals but you knew you could do it because there was nothing to stop you. Who says what you think will stop you has to? Keep it in focus. Keep it in your heart. You are strong enough and truly great enough to do it. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant you or others may think it is. Do it or work towards it. Find a goal no matter how small it may be to others and work towards it minute by minute, day by day.
Its hard to feel great or worth something when everything you share or try to share about yourself that you like is made fun of by the people around you. I already know that the majority of my problems come from being with the antithesis of who I want and need but starting over is scary. I have never not had friends until I became a based out ho in cali.no one I used to hang with has any idea of the lifestyle I started in cali and I fell into a different group. So when I @moved back I had not one single friend here. He is the only person I socialize with other than tricks. I hate being alone. Lonlineless is the fuel to my suicidal flame
I really, truly hope you’re still here with us. You are not a waste and your life is important, no matter how insignificant
ly you may think it is. Did you open that door for that elderly woman who made the bus? She didn’t slip on the ice and break a hip only to succumb to pneumonia. Seriously, we are all intertwined. Stick around, you may find someone for which all your heartaches and sacrifices were worth.
I’m a college graduate, decent looking, always able to make people laugh, and come from an upper class background.
But I’m a worthless smackhead working a dead-end minimum wage job.
I dunno man, don’t get down on yourself for being an escort is what I’m trying to say. We come from different places yet we have the same problem, fucking drugs, not our jobs, or our relationships. It’s the fucking drugs.
But if I couldn’t shoot heroin then I wouldn’t have any reason not to put my pistol in my mouth and paint my walls now would I?
I dunno man, like I said don’t get down on yourself for what you do for money. Just try to understand that the work is a function of the lifestyle you live, and that if you identify as an addict that means like me your lifestyle is centered around drugs. Maybe if you stopped getting high you wouldn’t have to “escort” and you wouldn’t have to be with this d-boy. Maybe if I stopped I could get a real career job and wouldn’t wake up pissed every morning that I didn’t die in my sleep.
I don’t get down on myself as much as society does. More frustrating than running in circles is knowing your running in circles. I’m tired of picking myself up to fall down harder the next time.
I have this passage tatted on my arm
Don’t walk in frront of me I may not want to follow
Don’t walk behind me I may not want to lead
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
I don’t understand why people can’t accept that its where you chose to be at that moment that defines you. Not how your parents brought u to this point not how you stumbled or soared before you got here but how you carry yourself in this moment
First off, fuck a crack rock. You need to get with the boy. Just kidding. That would be the worst possible decision that you could make.
I’m really glad that you responded because I have been thinking about your post all day. You said that you don’t have any self confidence which surprises me. Obviously you are an attractive woman as people pay money to be with you. In addition to that, you must have some sort good personality that makes men feel comfortable and facilitates the process of your business dealings. I don’t know, maybe I being naive. Please don’t think that I’m being disrespectful or trying to insult you either. I just know for me personally that I would feel really awkward and uncomfortable if I ever met with an escort. She would have to be really nice and personable for me to have any type of enjoyment from the experience.
As far as being lonely I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have absolutely nobody in my life. All I do is go to work, cop, get high, then sleep. It’s just me and my cat, she’s all I have. I even have to personify my cat how pathetic is that? It is really hard for me to meet people because I have no social life. I just work and then go home. Even when I do meet people it’s hard to get close because I have to lead this secret dual existence to hide my addiction because I know the second they find out they will think I’m this junky bastard scum that they will get AIDS from just being in the same room. I have the work me, the junky me, and somewhere buried in between the real me. I always have to wear the fake mask work me around people so they won’t judge me and write me off. So its like how can I even really make friends if I’m just going to be faking it anyway?
Well enough about my problems this is about you. I guess reading your responses the only thing that comes to mind is how do you expect not to be lonely and isolated if the only person you are around is your boyfriend? I know that sounds dumb as probably like me you have a rather isolated life between work and your home life with dude. It just seems like you are so unhappy with the people you are around yet there is nothing that makes it so you have to only be around them. Join a club, a gym, maybe hang out with some of the other girls that you work with? Again I know that sounds really hypocritical as none of these things appeal or work for me…I’m just saying try to find some other people to surround yourself with that will appreciate you and not make fun of you for sharing your mind. You seem to be well spoken and educated and as I said earlier your line of work must mean that you are at least decently, if not extremely, physically attractive. You said the thought of starting over and cutting these people from your life is scary. Scarier than continuing to live in misery? What do you have to loose? One shit head boyfriend that belittles you and that you yourself describe as the “antithesis†of who you want in a partner?
Lastly, I know I’m a pretty shitty person, a drug addict, depressed, pretty much the definition of a loser, but you can always talk to me. If you want to you can be my only friend in the world besides my cat.
hmmm, I left you a response but its “awaiting moderation.” I hope it posts by the time you come back…
I’m really glad that you responded because I have been thinking about your post all day. You said that you don’t have any self confidence which surprises me. Obviously you are an attractive woman as people pay money to be with you. In addition to that, you must have some sort good personality that makes men feel comfortable and facilitates the process of your business dealings. I don’t know, maybe I being naive. Please don’t think that I’m being disrespectful or trying to insult you either. I just know for me personally that I would feel really awkward and uncomfortable if I ever met with an escort. She would have to be really nice and personable for me to have any type of enjoyment from the experience.
As far as being lonely I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have absolutely nobody in my life. All I do is go to work, cop, get high, then sleep. It’s just me and my cat, she’s all I have. I even have to personify my cat how pathetic is that? It is really hard for me to meet people because I have no social life. I just work and then go home. Even when I do meet people it’s hard to get close because I have to lead this secret dual existence to hide my addiction because I know the second they find out they will think I’m this junky bastard scum that they will get AIDS from just being in the same room. I have the work me, the junky me, and somewhere buried in between the real me. I always have to wear the fake mask work me around people so they won’t judge me and write me off. So its like how can I even really make friends if I’m just going to be faking it anyway?
Well enough about my problems this is about you. I guess reading your responses the only thing that comes to mind is how do you expect not to be lonely and isolated if the only person you are around is your boyfriend? I know that sounds dumb as probably like me you have a rather isolated life between work and your home life with dude. It just seems like you are so unhappy with the people you are around yet there is nothing that makes it so you have to only be around them. Join a club, a gym, maybe hang out with some of the other girls that you work with? Again I know that sounds really hypocritical as none of these things appeal or work for me…I’m just saying try to find some other people to surround yourself with that will appreciate you and not make fun of you for sharing your mind. You seem to be well spoken and educated and as I said earlier your line of work must mean that you are at least decently, if not extremely, physically attractive. You said the thought of starting over and cutting these people from your life is scary. Scarier than continuing to live in misery? What do you have to loose? One shit head boyfriend that belittles you and that you yourself describe as the “antithesis†of who you want in a partner?
Lastly, I know I’m a pretty shitty person, a drug addict, depressed, pretty much the definition of a loser, but you can always talk to me. If you want to you can be my only friend in the world besides my cat.
Btw. One of the biggest reasons I can’t stand myself… I have aids and hep c.
don’t drag anyone down with you. then you know that you got somebody else high and fucking sent them down the same path that ruined your life. that’s a good reason to kill yourself. when you get somebody else into it.
Well damn girl, please don’t think I said that disrespectfully. I have Hepatitis C too and it’s something I try not to think about because when I do it really makes me feel like shit. It seems like I’m doing more harm than good with my responses so I will just try to keep my mouth shut.
I see that you have made some more posts which is good. Most of the people on this site are really cool and helpful. I wish good things for you and hope that one day you become a happy person.