I got the suggestion of having one day of being completely truthful and to be honest…I couldn’t do it. I’m scared of what people think of me and how they will react. I know I should only care about what I think of myself but I don’t and to be honest, who does? So I’ll be honest here, I’m going to vent and say some things that I’ve never told anybody. So I guess here goes nothing:
- I lost the love of my life a little over a year ago because I was stupid and screwed up the whole relationship.
- I don’t believe in true love anymore because of it.
- I honestly hate just about everything/everybody in my life.
- I can’t stand the thought of growing up alone.
- My friends just aren’t enough for me, I feel like I could do better.
- Ever since I lost him, I’ve tried getting over him by drinking, not drinking, being single, not being single, writing, dancing, driving to random places, reading, hanging out with new friends, sleeping around, packing up all his stuff, unpacking all his stuff, calling him, not calling him, texting him, not texting him, talking to him at school, completely avoiding conversation with him, and nothing seems to work.
- I’ve moved on way too many times and it still doesn’t do the trick.
- I hate my mother, she left me and my dad when I was two, and I’ll never forgive her.
- My dad is my whole life, yet he hits and screams when I do something wrong.
- I hate the town I live in, it’s full of horrible and dishonest people.
- My little brother and my grandpa are the only people in my family that I love with all my heart.
- I want to grow up and be remembered for something and go places with my life.
- I cry at the drop of a hat.
- I’m easily scared, upset, and lonely.
- I’ve been clinically depressed for as long as I can remember.
- I’ve tried therapy, hospitals, cutting myself, screaming, pulling my hair, drugs, hitting things, yet the pain won’t go away.
- I don’t believe in god or the devil, I just think you disappear when you die…and I’m okay with that.
- I don’t let people walk all over me but if I’m hurt I will.
- I wear my heart on my sleeve but I’m also a heart breaker.
- I hate girly things and I’ll never be the girl my mom wanted me to be.
- I couldn’t care less about my grades, but they seem to be doing just fine.
- And finally, I want to fall in love again, but with the same man I’ve been in love with for five years now.
There, everything, honesty. I don’t know what else to say.
2 comments
(Gives you a big hug) You try very hard and im so proud of you. You are doing remarkably well in the situatuion you’re in, its very hard to deal with the problems your facing, and i’m not just saying that i mean that. Also i understand it is very hard to tell the truth.
To your main point relationships are hard to get over, i understand. Its only time that heals. Also if the relationship has been going on 5 years, isn’t he attached to you at all. If he isn’t then he doesn’t deserve someone as amazing as you. How well you’ve coped is how amazing you are. And if he was he probably still is, and if he is single show him that you are on therapy and that you are trying to get yourslef better. If he is genuine, then he will stand there with you, and like i said if he isn’t he doesn’t deserve you.
There’s also one more thing. Which solves a couple of things on your list. If you get good grades you will be able to get out of the place and to a better one. I know you’ve moved several times but believe it or not the whole world is not cruel. There are some hald decent people out there, and maybe some guys you might even like. If you want to be remembered for starters you need good grades and as well as that you can travel. Thats where my aim is aswell, a perfect way to heal is to have a goal. Why not make it this one?
Then there’s your little brother and grandpa. If your struggling imagine them. Granparents believe it or not see life better then you do. They know when your struggling. And your little brother he needs you. If your struggling then what will happen to him when he’s older.
Don’t try so hard, you might find yourseld heading towards a breakdown. You said you’ve tried therapy have you told them about your life? Maybe you could get help that way.
I know i say a lot don’t i. Take Care
Wow ms. tries so hard…. that is one heck of a beautifully courageous, truth telling, bitter sweet list you made.
‘Heart on sleeve and a heart breaker, don’t let people walk on me but if I am hurt I will…’ you are boldly standing in the riptides of life and living. That is like running a marathon of awareness, takes energy, stamina and courage. Do you feel that?
Yes, you work hard, are observant, energetic (anger can be a source of energy and drive that hasn’t found its way to creativity yet) and so much more. Shadows makes good point about how much you are dealing with. Give yourself the credit your parents cannot right now. Rest and rejuvination are so important especially when you have worked so hard.
The hitting has got to stop somehow … not acceptable for you to be subjected to that. Not at all acceptable. Period. Take a rest, gear up and find some help to insist on being where you are not hit nor screamed at for that matter.