To sum things up, I don’t like my life.
By no stretch of the imagination is my life the worst. The hardest, the most miserable. But I still hate living.
My childhood was verbally abusive. I live with the constant guilt of driving a loved one to their death because of my neglect. I was molested in the 7th grade. My friends don’t ever invite me to their social gatherings, though I guess I wouldn’t want to hang around with me either.
My family and myself are in deep shit financially.
In school, I have advanced classes. Did well on the SATs, state tests, the like. But my grades are low, and they’re slipping. They’ve never been high in the first place. My GPA is hardly above a 2. No college would accept me. It’s not like I could afford it, anyway. So, I’m pretty much a failure.
And suppose I am successful. Suppose I’m the straight-A student. The class president, the girl with more than 200 hours of community service. And what could I do, then? Go to college, get married, have kids, have stress, die.
I don’t even want to get married. My boyfriend recently dumped me and he was the only one who cared.
I’ve attempted suicide countless times. My parents even found out one time, and what a joy that was.
Right now, I don’t feel suicidal. I just feel empty. But that’s just the stage prior to being suicidal. I promised him I wouldn’t feel like this ever again. I can’t ascertain that now…he wouldn’t even find out, anyway. I’m slipping back into darkness. And I’m welcoming it with open arms. Someone pop that bottle of wine open.
4 comments
hi fettucine.:) i’m really sorry things are so hard right now. i keep seeing people on here who are so young,it makes me really sad because there is so many good things in life outside of highschool. i’m 19 and graduated last year,i know at times it can feel like you will never make it,but you will. i’m living proof it can be done,and if i can do it,i believe anybody can.
about the boy trouble. i’m like the poster girl for bad relationships. 🙁 i’ve dated one really great guy,and i screwed it up. after we broke up i felt like i would never be okay again,but you will be,i promise you. there are more great guys out there. i know it doesn’t feel like it,but i’ve been where you are. you will get through this!
i’m sorry about the financial problems.seems like everybody is really struggling right now,your definitely not alone.and about going to college,i don’t have a lot of money either. you can always start in community college and then transfer later on to a four year university. i also believe if you really work hard in community college that you can improve your chances of getting into a college somewhere else,esp. with your high SAT score.please don’t give up. things can always get better. i’m really really sorry about all of the pain you’ve gone through in your past. i’ve had a pretty hard life too,and I know it can feel like you’ve been broken by what’s happened to you,but you haven’t! there is NOTHING wrong with you,there is something wrong with the monster who hurt you!! did you ever get help? please talk to us,maybe we can help you. please don’t give up!
Thanks, Christina, that made me feel a lot better. All of my college friends say high school was a blast, though. College classes are much tougher than high school classes (even harder than AP Calculus, which I am definitely weak on). And after college, searching for a job is hard. I’ve picked myself up countless times–I can be ridiculously optimistic. But there are times when things just crash down all at once. I’m not looking at the past or the present. The past sucked and the present sucks. The future–that’s what’s inevitable. It’s a temporary happiness in the pool of misery. I know how to swim and I won’t drown just yet, but treading is starting to be tiring.
I know.:'( i’m getting tired too. but I guess…I think all we can do is hang on and be there for each other. we all see strangers everyday and don’t give them a second thought,but we have no idea what they are going through in their lives. pain is something we all have in common,we aren’t alone. *hug* I hope you feel better soon. we don’t know what will happen in the future,like you said. i have hope for all of us. and lol-I got through highschool cause i’m cute. hehe,jk. but i was never known for being super smart-i guarantee your’e better at calculus than me.:P so if theres hope for me,then there definitely is hope you.
You are a child of innovation, you need to meet innovation and turn your sorrow into success.
There is no failure here, you are just not typical