Okay, so, I’ve been diagnosed with depression for just over four years now, and frankly I’m getting a bit tired of it all. My friends simply do not have the capacity to understand. I, an eighteen year old girl, cannot stand my own reflection. I have created this smiling persona, which serves its purpose of falsely leading the people around me to believe that I am ‘okay’, who is able to get all A’s at A Levels, but actually, I couldn’t give a shit. But maybe that’s the fluoxetine speaking? A few grades can’t make me want to live any more than the monotonous personalities who surround me on a day today basis. Four years. Four years of dreading the morning. Four years of cutting. Four solid fucking years of self hate. I am tired. I am tired of this facade. I am tired of life. More than once I have found myself with a noose around my neck. What’s stopping me? At the time, my friends. Now? Well, the problem is that I can no longer answer that question. I fill my life with busy nothings. It distracts me for a while, but a fleeting moment such as this one is deadly. You know, I’ve seen myself being run over by cars in my own mind. Planes crashing into the buildings that I am sat in. Fire, drowning, hanging, all in my own head, which is worrying enough, but worse still? I never even flinched at these visions, dreams, wishes. I don’t know who I am anymore, and I certainly cannot justify why I am alive.
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Hi Nervanna,welcome to the site.:) I feel you,I’m a 19 year old girl. I really can’t believe I made it this far. I’m recovering from an ed,and I can relate to not being sure exactly who you are anymore. it feels like all i was for the past few years was just an eating disorder,like it was my identity,and now it’s hard to remember who i was before I got sick. from about 5 or 6 on life was really ahrd for me,i was in a bad living situation,and I really can’t tell you how i found the strength to go on at such a young age. everybody believes differently,and that’s okay,but I’m a strong christian and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. highschool and school in general was really hard for me too because of my living situation,and just,everything about it. people suck sometimes. but what I hold onto now is just-we can do anything with our lives. we’ve made it this far,and the fact that you have such good grades is a great thing,because you can probably get into any school you want. being sick and in badd situations in my life has made me really passionate about helping other people who are going through the same thing. it makes you feel really good to know you made a difference in someone’s life and changed things for them so that they don’t have to go through what we had to. i bet you could help so many other people.and that’s something that really matters. 🙂 i’m here for you always k? hope you feel better
p.s-the people on this site are really great and your not alone. we understand and are probably going through similar things too.