I had it all ready. Everything was in place. Time. Method. I was scared, but I knew that I just had to overcome that fear. This was going to be like ripping off a bandaid: it was going to hurt for a very short time, but in a little while, its existence in the first place would be forgotten.
I told the only two people in the world who would care or it would impact in the slightest. The one had known for months (lets call her Olympia). The other I had only known for a few weeks, but we are very, very close because we met through SP and we can talk about all the hard things (lets call her Meagan). Olympia also understood, having attempted herself.
So it’s two hours before and I’m talking to Meagan for the last time. She’s sad but she’ll get through it because she understands. Olympia texts me. She’s up in arms over her latest boy troubles (which aren’t insignificant, but there are a lot of them). Then she asks, “Is this what you really want?” I answer, “Not necessarily. I don’t want the pain and hassle of death. But I can’t live. I know I hate life. There’s nothing worse than living to me. And this isn’t exactly something you can compromise on, you know. Death is the least of two evils.” Then I feel bad for the lengthy and overly-detailed answer (she doesn’t need to know the gory details) and add, “Sorry. A simple ‘Yes’ would’ve sufficed.”
We’d talked countless times about this. About this day, about method, notes, everything, every little detail. She knew just about everything there was to know. I’d asked her countless times if she’d be okay, if there was anything she needed. The answer was always “No”, no matter how hard I pressed, she never needed anything. So I just figured I had to trust her enough to know what she needed and to tell me about it. That’s what I did eventually.
So then I get this text “Please don’t leave me”. What am I supposed to say to that? She was the only reason I was even alive at all then. However much of a loser this makes me, I spend my life worrying about her because she needs someone to worry about her. My life doesn’t matter, I don’t matter, but she was trying to live. I tried to help her live because she is an amazing person. I devoted my life to being her friend, her support system, especially in these last few months when I knew I was leaving. I wanted her to be able to walk away from me with a fresh start like she deserved. But then I get all these texts saying “Please” and “I just need more time”. But she had me at the first “Don’t leave me”. I can’t go anywhere with her like this. Congratulations, those who vehemently believe suicide is the most unforgivable sin- I’m staying in hell. I’m going to burn here for a very long time. I will suffer in ways you cannot imagine. I might even suffer in ways I cannot yet imagine. Oh well, there’s no fixing me, I have always been destined for death, what are a few more nights of unimaginable agony going to matter? They’re not, not really.
But now comes the hard part. This cannot happen again. I’m afraid she will try to hide it next time. So I just have to make her hate me. Turn our trust to hatred. Poison our minds and emotions. It’s the second best thing to apathy. It will kill me. It will cause me worse pain than ever before. But I have to free her. She will rejoice when she hears of my death, as she should. I am going to die anyways, why should I preserve myself (emotionally/mentally or physically)? This was my fault in the first place – I couldn’t shut her out. I was weak, so now we will both pay. I can’t be weak this time. Weak is no longer an option.
4 comments
You’re much more valuable than you’re giving yourself credit for. The proof is in your friend’s pleading for you to stay. She’s relying on you… and perhaps you can rely on her. I understand your knee-jerk reaction is to break the chain so you can go in peace. Perhaps you can stay in peace. Maybe this is an opportunity for you. You mentioned something about not being able to be fixed… Perhaps you can be fixed. I agree that “weak is no longer an option” because this is your time to be strong… for your friends and, more importantly, yourself.
even if you wanted to do this, could you actually bring yourself to hate the only person in the world that matters to you. even if she hated you, when you die she will sill feel pain that the person who was constantly supporting her has died.
@distant.road
I can’t rely on her. I have a phobia of relying on people. If I start to rely on people, I push them away. More importantly, she doesn’t need me to be relying on her. I’m a heavy burden to carry and she has enough problems of her own.
@hated-one
I don’t think I’ll ever hate her. And she has a very short memory (all the drugs), so she will forget very quickly. She knows how to be alone. She will be fine eventually, it will just take some work and solidarity on my part. And I hope I can make her hate me enough that she just is happy when I die, I am going to minimize her pain. It’s all I can do at this point.
“you can lead a man to an ambulance
but you can not make him live”
For some reason this popped in my mind while I read this.
I’m sorry, there’s a girl that doesn’t trust me because I know a really big secret of hers and then just stopped talking to her (because she was a jerk and seriously made me want to kill myself). But I won’t tell anyone that doesn’t already know because she told them because I respect her. We both have our issues and even though I don’t like her, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to tell everyone. I don’t know. Just a thing to think about.