I’ve wanted to die since I was 17. That was the first time I tried but I was just sick all night.
I remember all the negative about the past and it is hard to concentrate on the positives.
I took speed a couple of weeks ago and felt like I had instant happiness. People said that I made them laugh. If only they knew how I want to be out of this eternal pain.
I have a friend who is always saying that she doesn’t eat properly. Well I don’t. I exist on nourishment drinks and bananas cos I have no appetite.
My psychiatrist is good. She is the one who diagnosed with with acute anxiety and severe depression. In the past I used alcohol to get through the day. Haven’t had a drink for 12 years and I don’t miss it but it would be so nice to just get up in the morning, have breakfast and go out.
People only want you around when you are healthy and doing everything. At Christmas my two ‘best’ friends knew that I had nowhere to go Christmas day. They came over for a meal Christmas eve. One stayed the night and said he would go to the Xmas lunch with me. He got a phone call in the morning from his gf and said he had to go over there as she was freaking out. I said not to worry about me being alone but I was being sarcastic. My other friend was going to her mothers home. But 2 years ago she was thrown out of that home for shouting. Her sister and niece told her to get out.
I took a sleeping pill and slept all Xmas day.
At the moment I feel as weak as a kitten. Maybe when I’ve gone for a walk the depression will lift. It has before and then there is the struggle of waking up the next day.
It would be wonderful to feel warm and safe and be able to say “I am so happy”.
9 comments
Hello Chanel,
Are you new to SP? If so…welcome. How old are you now? And you talk about bad things…but you don’t share them…other than the loneliness that results from not dealing with them. As wel all know…misery sometimes enjoys company…but company never enjoys misery. So what is the answer? Would you like to stick around and try to figure it out? I bet I could diagnose you with just about any PDD I can think of…for a while…cuz if I was a betting woman…I would say that what you actually suffer from is PTSD and denial. I call PTSD the Human Condition. You have taken the first step by posting…admitting that you need others…the same people you have come to feel unsafe with or different from…but here…theres lots of kind souls that will be able to relate….some just want it to end…some want to move past it…but it is life…and welcome to it….am listening…here if you want or need to talk…and so are many others.
Namaste
Amakua
Sorry Chanel,
One more thing….I believe you…and you did not deserve to be attacked…don’t listen to others that want to deny you…they are just scared…you know…don’t rock the boat….I say rock the boat baby….let it out…don’t let the assholes win…you are a victim and deserve compassion and understanding and love and support and encouragement…so rah rah…let’s go…don’t let them bring you down to their level…it’s called hell. You deserve to be loved and to be cherished…unfortunately this is a sick world full of sick souls…but don’t base your perfection on what they do or did to you define you…they are sick…not you…you never were…you just believed what the world told you…so wake up…you’re still alive…keep moving forward…don’t give up…you deserve way more than life is handing you…just ask for it…like if you want respect…earn it and then demand it…like that. And you do deserve respect…just first take back your self-respect…don’t own their sickness.
Blessed Be
I get you. I drank copious amounts of alcohol to bloke it out. But now I have gone a few days without a drink. Not one. Stay away from the class A, that can really mess your head up sometimes you won’t even know what your doing.
Solve the depression and anxiety and everything else will resolve. I had a really bad turn over a week ago yet these past few days have seen a dramatic turn around.
I always found that sticking to a routine is the best way to deal with it. For example even plan your breakfast. I would simple breakfasts the day before so that I could just get up the following day and preparation would be minimal. Tastes good too. Keep everything simple and uncomplicated. Wait for the improvement which can be slow but you will get there in the end.
Solitude
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it’s mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.
Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.
by,
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Thank you everyone who took the time to reply.
To Duke of Marmalade I actually made porridge this morning. Thought I would try breakfast to set me up for the day.
To Amakua, I have been diagnosed with ptsd. You are very perceptive. If a person is spiteful to me then for the rest of the day I can’t stop thinking about that person.
People who abuse you stay in your mind much more than the nice people you have met in your life.
I read about a girl who had been assaulted and what she was going through was exactly what I went through and how spiteful people can be when they know you are at rock bottom.
After one of my nasty experiences a woman came to my home and I had visible bruises and said to her “sorry if I’m not much company but I’m doped up on the painkillers and the doctors given me sleeping pills also”.
You know what this woman said? “Shall I give your love to your boyfriend”?
I looked at her puzzled and said “what boyfriend”.
She said “Bob” and smirked at me. (the very man who had assaulted me.
I wrote to the girl who had been attacked and told her that her experience with spiteful people was exactly what I went through. I wanted this girl who ever she was to know that she was not alone in her anguish.
Thank you once again to everyone who commented. Hugs over the network.
Hey, the tastiest way to make porridge is to first toast it in a frying pan with butter. Once it’s golden brown then add milk to the pan. Strange that I’m at work looking at an article on breakfast and I spotted this reply.
After my last post yesterday I ate shepherds pie and finally went to sleep. I slept for ages and woke up this morning the best I have been in a long time. Whilst I’m in this sort of mood I need to get out of my environment before things get me down.
Hey Chanel,
Where do I send my bill?…lmao…seriously…it should be called The Human Condition…and we all suffer to varying degrees…some just much more than others…but I take it as a challenge…no quitters here….how about you? What have you tried to make things better other than drink and drugs? Do you want to be better or do you want to suffer until it ends? And nosy…how old are you? Not to judge…just understand where you are on your journey. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Namaste
Amakua
Hello again
To Duke, I may try that recipe for porridge. Thank you for that.
To Amakua, no I don’t want to suffer till the end. I want to be H A P P Ybe sad!
I don’t drink for the last 12 years. My medication kind of stabilizes me but I am scared in the mornings. That feeling of dread.
To make things better I keep buzy and have a voluntary job in a charity. I feel safe there cos the people are nice.
How are the Duke and Amakua feeling?
Where abouts in the world are you?
Hugs over the network
@ Chanel try baking some savoury muffin which are really easy and make a good breakfast alternative.
I’m from the UK and I am in really good order. In fact, this is the best I have been in years.