Its a long list dedicated to the people who ruined  any chance of happiness for me..
To the  guy who raped me at a party where i drank to much then denied it, then continued to harass me and put me in situations where im just as vulnerable.
To the guy who i dated for 2 years, told everything to, then who told everyone.
To the girl who fed my addiction, taught me about cutting, bought me a razor, and ever since the first time i’ve did it, i’ve done it every single night since.
To the ex best friend who left me in my most desperate state.
To my aunt, for teaching me how to binge and purge, being there when i first did it.
To my stepdad, the most controlling bastard who will never be my dad.
To the girl i first fell for, and am still falling for, who let me down as hard as possible.
To my uncle, for inappropriately touching me in 2nd grade.
But mostly, Â to my actual dad. For abandoning me for meth when i was only 3 Â years old. visiting when i was 7, raping me then. disappearing. All for drugs.
But also to myself. For allowing this to all happen. For never saying anything. For wanting help, but never knowing how to get it. For destroying my arms and hips and legs with a razor. For almost overdosing, leaving my younger sister to find me. For everything. I blame it all on me. I couldve done something right?
4 comments
No u couldnt have done somthing, its a snowball effect, your dad started it all for u at such a young age u never git a fair chance…somthing like that happened to me but i blocked it out…but i still KNOW u know? I can feel that something happenef to me…i never had a chance either but atleast it probably only happened to me a couple times with only one guy…i hope. U family seems like assholes and i would say no offense but i doubt that youll object. How old r u? If ur under 18 u can contact child protection and they will put u in a safe home and u can recieve free therapy sessions…hang in there babe stay strong and dont give up
Those things got you to where you are, but wheres the list of things that will get you to where your going? I wish more than anything that faster than light travel wasnt so hard to come by so i could shift time and relive my past, fixing mistakes. Unfortunately can’t do that yet so i am stuck on the slower path without an easy way out. This list you made is a good thing becuase knowing what you did wrong makes it easier to do whats right. Edison failed over 300 times in making the lightbulb, and when asked he said i didnt fail, i found 300 ways that didnt work.
You made some crappy choices but knowing what happened to you thats understandable. Every human makes mistakes and given the shit you’ve been though its no wonder you were more inclinded to make them.
It is up to you to decide how these experiences define you. I won’t lie, you were given a shitty lot in life. Most with your resume end up in bad shape, but in a world or 7 billion people there are those who don’t. What makes them different is not what happened to them but how they dealt with it.
may i just thank you MasterCB for how masterfully used the words. this isn’t my post, but your comment gave me a glimmer of hope.
Hey you have been through a lot! If you ever want to talk you msg me!