You know you’d think your problems would end when you grow up, more time goes by everyday and i realize i had it so much more easier when i was sixteen then i do now.
everything started when i was fourteen i lost my grandmother and my dad in one year. my grandmother was just the start of my fathers depression. On my fathers side most of my family are bipolar and have anxiety. So with it i have also developed these unwanted traits. after my father passed my whole world dropped. I started contemplating suicide at sixteen and i was always a failure at it. But now more then ever i contemplate even more. i dont go to school and im failure to my mom. i have a step father [who not to mention moved in and started to take over my fathers place not even a day after he died] who just enjoys my misery. Call it immature but hes a pisser. i still live with my mother because i only have a part time job right now and finacially im stuck. things are ok sometimes but most of the time im crying. i cant stand being an adult. i feel like i was never taught how to handle bills and money management and therefore thrown to the sharks. i stress out easily and i wonder if putting an end would at least give me some sort of peace. i feel like ive messed up my entire life and theres nothing i can do to change. To top it off my anxiety makes me feel old. i constantly state how bad my chest bothers me and i sometimes feel as if im suffering from a heartattack and by the time i realize im not im to scared to go to work or move around.
My bipolar plays a huge part im so easily hiding my emotions because i know when i have a high and a low when i have a low i can just easily stay in my room with my door locked and mutilate my arms. Then once i feel my high ill put a mask on and act happy. most of the time though im at the lowest at my lows. At twenty one i feel like i should be out having a good time partying, going to school enjoying life. instead im at home still paying off school loans and hospital bills. i have no car so my only escape is my room or take a bus to god knows where. when im at my best you can find me drawing or reading comics. comics are the only relief i get from reality .
i just wanna get out of this deep deppression i find my self in. im tired of feeling like a failure.
3 comments
first off im really sorry u had to lose your grandmother, and father in one year. i lost my grandpa when i was in 10th grade, it was the hardest thing i ever went through. im 18 now. your stepdad sounds like quite the jerk.
i deal with anxiety as well. im not going to college, and i don’t have a job yet. my mom gets on me about that, and im sure my family is dissapointed i didn’t choose college. sometimes i just feel like im not really don’t much in life so i feel kinda worthless. im not suicidal but i wanna help others who are. i just dont want ppl to feel killing themself is the only way out. i want them to know there r ppl who are here for them. if u want u can e-mail me at danielle16yeah@gmail.com just to talk. take care.
im sorry about your grandpa and it just completely sucks losing someone and having to live without them after all the years you took getting to know them just makes getting to know people so useless if were just gonna lose them in the end :[ i just feel like i can never find peace. and sometimes i just feel like im pointless or a waste of space idk but thank you for commenting it means alot to know im not the only person on this earth who feels this way :/
thank you. yeah its sad living without someone u grew up always having in your life. yeah i know how u feel, i totally get it. oh your welcome, yeah for sure u are not alone in feeling the way u feel. take care.