Someone for a short period of time brought my soul back from the deeps of nothingness and I was able to feel again. Isn’t that suppose to be a good thing? I hate it! I wish that person would have never touch my sleeping soul if only to throw it away! I just want to crawl back into the nothingness and feeling less. But the probably is it hurts just like last time to crawl back in the water. Just like it hurt to crawl out. Why did you bother?! You brought me more pain than joy! Can’t I just be left alone?! I had to listen to my mom say she wanted to die and had to feel pain. I hated it! I loved not feeling the pain of it! I hate myself either way can’t I hate myself and feeling nothing?! I just wanna be able to go to sleep without crying…without hating my life….without feeling this pain….this unbearable pain…..I just wanna crawl into a dark corner and sleep forever…never to awake to this painful everyday torment….I don’t have a social life and people say it’s sad and ask me way but when I answer them when they get to know me they see why. They understand. I’m an outcast and it’ my fault! I’m the one who pushes everyone away! But why?! They don’t even know me..They use me….and what do I get out of it?! Nothing….I ask a friend to help me….they’d rather go out with other people that don’t need help. That’s why I don’t have a social life because they’re all asses. I just want to….sleep forever and ever…hmm…ironic I can’t even fall asleep right now…
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Interesting-I’m going through the same thing. My coping strategy has been to put up walls and be numb. And then I met someone who refused to let me hide and opened up my soul and made me feel and tried to inspire me. And then he threw me away as if none of it mattered. I should’ve known it wasn’t real but I had faith in someone. And now I don’t know how to survive the pain because no one has ever made me feel worthwhile and I liked it and now I feel more worthless than ever. If I was so amazing, how can he disappear and move on so easily?
Sleeping is a good coping method, sleep more feel less. When I’m awake I have to be constantly distracted else everything will catch up with me and sometimes there aren’t enough distractions in the world. I know what you’re saying about fairweather friends as well. My pregnant best mate recently turned round to me and told me she didn’t want me in her life anymore (although I was going to be Godmother) because she was too worried I was going to top myself and that was bad for the baby. Never been more hurt by anything anyone has ever said.
The same with my so called boyfriend, I ask him to come over because I really don’t want to be alone and he finds some excuse. I just want to sleep it seems the closest I can get to death without hurting anyone.