too much

My story starts when I was in high school, I was just an average teenager there never really stood out, however I did get picked on a bit, I was getting good grades in physics chemistry and calculus but I always felt like something was missing. When I was 15 I started experimenting with drugs, extacy and alcohol mostly and I also started boxing. Although boxing was good for me physically I had a lot of built up anger inside me, maybe learning how to hurt people wasn’t the smartest decision for me to make. It made me feel good the the crack on the pads and bags, running until I threw up and just the confidence it filled me with. Although I loved boxing I still felt like I was lost, like I was missing something within myself constantly, like I wasnt complete, to fill this void I would drink. It felt so good once I had gained an alcohol ‘fuzz’ over my entire body, all the things bothering me just simply dissapeared, and if I drank enough I could even completely wipe out a night that usually wouldve been filled with me depressed, lost and just wasting away time. My binge drinking just amplified my anger and I began to have brushes with the law over fighting. I ened up leaving school about six months before I graduated and started an electrical apprenticeship. I was training as hard as I ever was boxing, unfortuantley I was drinking just as hard. Then I was introduced to meth. What a drug, I could stay awake for days, be unbeatable when I was sparring, and once I started selling it I was earning about 5 times the normal apprentice wage. The next 3 years of my life was pretty much a blur, out every night partying, having so much confidence going out picking up a new girl nearly every night I went out, feeling unbeatable, invinceable and unstoppable. The year I turned 21 would be one of the first turning points in my life. I had gone to a 21st party and it was a formal river cruise, after we decided to hit the clubs and I took my date out with me and some mates. Once we had a few drinks my mates went to get a cab I was left in the club with my date and she was getting harrased by a group of guys across the bar. All of a sudden it kicked off, I got jumped by about 5 guys and I was on the ground getting kicked over and over again. I remember feeling so hopeless on the floor, so lost back to where I began where I was trying to get away from. I had to get rushed to emergency that night and ended up having 2 weeks off work. Over the next 3 months I fell so quickly into the lowest point I had ever been, I couldnt even go through the day without going into the toilets and crying, just an empty shell of tears. Then I started to self harm I dont know why I did it, it was almost like I was punishing myself for feeling bad. The pain I was going through couldnt be hidden anymore, I had kept a brick wall built up around me blocking all of my emotions from ever leaving, now the wall had fallen. My mum had noticed how distant I was now and she had began to ask questions, especially with my wrist bandaged up, I couldnt lie anymore I burst out into tears and took off my bandage, my mum fell to the ground crying when she saw my wrists  On the advice of one of my mum I visited my local Doctor, I still remember when he asked me “How can I help you?’ I just burst into tears, I couldnt even talk I just nodded or shook my head as he asked me questions. He gave me some anti depressants and sent me on my way. For the next 6 months I stayed out of trouble, I gave up boxing and got into weightlifting and focused on finishing my apprenticeship, things were going ok but I still had this nagging emptyness within myself something wasnt there. Once I finished my apprenticeship I landed a job working on the mines, 8 days on 6 days off I couldnt believe my luck, such a good oppurtunity so quickly! When I had started working away I began to feel really isolated and empty again, then I met a group of people that would change that feeling. They rode bikes together, were inseperable, treated you like you werent worthless, made you feel important, called you brother. Before I knew it I was back to fighting, drugs and drinking again and I fitted in fine, living for today not caring about tommorow. I wish I could some how take back the next 2 years of my life, just a waste, I embarrased all of those who mattered with what I did and it all came to a head when my new ‘friends’ were finished with me I got bashed, and there I was back to square one. For the past six months I have been sober, but Ive never felt so low in my life, guilt at what I’ve done, back to being an empty shell, just gutted. I’ve tried diet changes and training, but nothing has worked. I dont know where to go from here, or if there is any place for me