When everything hurts

I am trying to hold on but don’t know why. My mom died when I was 9, my dad has never really been in my life & raised by my grandma & grandpa, they both passed a long time ago. I literally have no family & 4 years ago my life changed forever. It had been 11 years together and was so in love when I found my ex-husband. I was married once before and had one son, but we were too young and I thought thats was love was until I met my ex. He raised my son as his own and really gave me everything, but that was not what mattered, I realized thats was love was and felt like, then four years ago my world ended. In less than a period of a years time, the love of my life blindsided me and told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was so trusting and never suspected anything but he was having an affair with my friend who was married with 3 kids and lived 3 houses down the street. He denied anything but feelings, but not the case. This was our friends that for 10 years we all went camping, riding, lake trips and one day after I left moved into my house with him, while walking out on her 3 kids & husband still living down the street. I was crushed, this man told me always we would grow old together & 2 months before breaking up we were trying to have a baby. I had just had 2 miscarriages and we were still trying. Then while trying to survive the heartbreak of that, my only child, my son, the only unconditional love in my life died. My ex’s family always told me that they were my family knowing that I had grown up with no family of my own. The day after my sons funeral was the last I ever heard anything from them. The “friends” we had that were part of all those family trips and who lived on the same street as well quickly made decisions to not talk to me as well but continue being friends with my ex & her now together even thought saying what they did was so wrong. I never asked them to choose me over them, instead just thinking they were still friends to me, but I guess not. If anyone had maybe just once wrote,emailed even left a message saying “hope your ok” or something would have meant so much. My son was my life and all I had and it was all taken from me. I keep trying to wake up every day but it only gets harder. I have seen doctors, tried every medicine for depression, but nothing helps. I always think maybe if someone breaks into my house at night, I hope they kill me & end my pain or maybe a car will hit me. I know ways to end my life, but am scared of pain and all the painless ways are really hard to get a hold of. I cry every day just wanting to be with my son, trying to understand how people can be so cruel, being the good guy does not pay. In my life, the ones that lie, hurt others, have no remorse or feelings are the ones who have it all and are happy. My heart is so empty and broken I just can’t see living how many more years like this, I can’t handle the pain.