I feel it

I think that people who are optimistic do not necessarily have the perfect life or even one they are satisfied with but they live in hope. Which makes sense because there would be more people frequenting Internet forums about suicide than there are. That hope is often false and misplaced but it fuels their optimism nonetheless. Loss of hope can be temporary but no less fatal. But what do you do when you can’t dream anymore because there is no conceivable state of being that would satisfy the need to stay alive long enough for it to become reality? Logic tells me that most of the things people lose can be found again and that their despondency is based on a narrow outlook which can change with knowledge. But how do you erase memories of trauma without learning to accept that they are a part of your past. How do you get optimistic when your mind caves in all of the time and you don’t know why. Ive felt that way for 15 years and I’ve tried everything.