All i want is to feel normal and happy like i used to. I keep telling myself that in a couple of years I’ll just be a name, or a memorial a student passes on the way to their next class. I’ll cease to be an everyday thought and become a memory that manages to crawl its way back into the mind of a loved one every now and then. I’ll be what you strive to avoid. But what I will be can’t be any worse than what I am. I’m just another hopeless girl that can’t seem to get through life in one piece. That’s how it feels though, that missing is something. Like everyday I’m losing a piece of myself and gaining a foreign reflection of what used to be. I pray for reasons to continue bearing the hell I created for myself, but i can’t come up with anything that seems like enough anymore. As selfish as it sounds, that’s what I keep telling myself. Nothing could ever be any better than this and worst of all that it would never change. It may seem ridiculous to any rational person, but I’m not rational and this simple thought was enough motivation for me to just end it. I’m just so sick of the rumors and names kids at school keep talking about. I’m not the whore, or drug addict, or ***** everyone thinks i am. My name is not “dead girl” even though that’s what i’ve been deemed. I have a beating heart and working mind. I’m only 16, i want to know what it feels like to want to live.
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well i can tell you i relate to part of your post: im called the same things you are whore ***** im also called slut fatass fuckup loner etc.. and im only 14. if u want e-mail me at lol.wallace@hotmail.com
I can understand what you’re going through. School sucked for me; every relationship seemed absurdly artificial and contrived.
Hang on until you finish school. School is not life; school might as well be a perverse social experiment. It will get better. There are like-minded people who feel just like you, who you’ll have a chance to develop friendships and share memories with in the future; who will value your company and your opinion.
In the meantime, you need to find value outside of school. Find something worth living for, worth getting through school for. Build a bridge that helps you cross from morning to afternoon so that the torrent of abuse that you experience at school passes you by.
Find like-minded people online who are going through the same thing you are. Find a hobby; a passion to keep you occupied and distracted.
There are plenty of reasons to live outside of school. You need to find one (or more) that will get you through school.
By the way; everybody at school always thought I was stoned. I guess I had that distant look in my eyes that comes with becoming disillusioned and apathetic. I thought it was hilarious. Laugh at the rumours; they expose people’s gullibility and stupidity. They direct their scorn at you so that they themselves don’t become a target. They’re hypocrites; there is plenty of opportunity for you to find the whole situation ridiculous.
Don’t take it seriously.
@verum. everyone thinks im stoned in school (cuz i try to cover up depression with constant laughing and high pitched voice so im always asked if im stoned) and its annoying how many times i have to tell them they are wrong how do i get that to stop?
@fakingit – I’m not sure there’s much you can do other than ignore it and avoid the people who perpetuate it. I used to embrace it; I figured that if they thought I was stoned, it gave me an excuse to pretend like I wasn’t listening. Eventually they stopped bothering me; in fact the less attention I gave them the more they thought I was “cool”.
They probably enjoy getting a reaction out of you. If you get frustrated and lash out when they mock you, they’ll see it as a weakness and keep trying to incite a reaction.
If you just walk away when they mock your demeanour, they’ll eventually get bored of it.
Try not to value their opinion all that highly and you’ll feel more confident and in control.
Verum has got it pegged. Intellectually I agree.
Emotionally, I wish I felt that way. Where did your strength come from Verum? Was someone there for you to compare the BS to and know the later was coming up short and you weren’t so starved for connection that you could emotionally afford to dismiss so many others’ opinions and focus on an interest?
So much perpetual pervasive pretending…what a friggen farse all the way around. What if we dared to be real? Clearly I wasn’t properly socialized. What’s with the preying on weakness crap?
“Where did your strength come from Verum?”
I shut myself off emotionally. Logic was my saviour; it was all I could understand, to intellectualise my feelings. I suspect that I am more ignorant to social nuance than you are, but I learnt to put things in perspective and find the hypocrisy in others that shattered their credibility. Once someone loses credibility in your eyes, you no longer feel the need to respect their opinion of you.
In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever fully recovered. I try to offer intellectual support where I feel people have become lost in the fury of their emotions. When I feel that it is emotional support that others require, I’m compelled to redirect them to somebody else.
I don’t want ceecee226 or fakingit to turn out like I have, but I think there’s little risk of that happening. I do honestly believe that if they take my advice it will help them get through school.
Heh, it’s been 5 years. I think you’ve just triggered an epiphany in me with your question. Thank you.