You think you’re the loneliest person out there?
Think again,
High school has been the loneliest, hardest time.
I’m not going to go into detail but I’ve always been fairly lonely due to my social issues (self diagnosed, selective mutism)or whatever you want to call it. (I heard my mom talk to someone saying how I was assessed for the possibility of selective mutism, but it came out as negative apparently…
It had to have definitely been overlooked, as I usually didn’t talk unless spoken to, mostly in school and in unfamiliar territory.
People had to come up to me first, initiating friendship. I really don’t know what is the cause of this ‘social disorder’.
Maybe it had to do with my speech issues/funny voice, which I could have been embarrassed about, and I have to say I think I have always had troubles with social cues.
Well this fear of talking and expressing myself ruined my life. I was know as the girl who couldn’t talk. It was torture. I was miserable all through my child hood till this day (im almost 18 now)
So getting back to the loneliness; In gr.9 (first year of highschool) Iwas very nervous about making new friends because then I would have to start talking and be noticed by everyone “oh she talks, now?”, or else also be noticed my new people for how I don’t talk.
Igradually took the “isolation root”, where I l gradually dropped off and started alienating my friends, barely saying a word to anyone , all through highschool. It was hell. I can’t emphisize how suicidal I was. Everyday I would go into the library away from everyone and eat my lunch and sit there staring at the study carols and the clock , thinking of ways to kill myself, and analyzing my life. I would barely eat anything because food wasn’t aloud in the library. Every day after school I would rush home and eat the first thing I saw because I was starving. I wont even get into the other agonizing details that added to the miserability of my days. everynight I would stay up super late, not wanting morning to come. In the morning I would be exhausted, barely having time to put makeup on, nd breakfast,. Don’t even get me started on my x bestfriend who I used to carpool with to school and back, the rides, Long and silent. I had nothing to say to her. I was severely depressed. I wanted to go to a new school where I didnt know anyone. I was to humiliated to tell anyone until gr. 11 …
Fastforwarding to now… now I am doing online scshool, I have one good friend, who I still haven’t found a way to admit my problems to yet. She knows the basic stuff about how I dropped out of regular school, due to my failing, but I dontknow if she knows the real reasons, I hope her dad told her( he knows)…I never liked who I was, I’m started to accept my self now, and actually be proud of being different, but it is still very lonely.
I hate talking to the therapist because I don’t know whats wrong with me and how to explain it.
I’m embaressed that everyone knows everything and that I look pathetic.
Well you know what say to that? They are ignorant, they cannot judge me, they don’t know me, they are not god.
God doesn’t know me. (Assuming there is one). Still n0o matter what I say to myself, these feelings don’t go away.
You don’t know how hard it is, covering things up, pretending to have friends, pretending everythings okay, pretending I understand, pretending to care, but even harder opening up with the truth.
I’m exhausted. In all ways.
If only I could be acknowledged for how I truly feel/felt.
No amount of words will ever compensate for genuine understanding.
I don’t know how to explain it. There is no one like me, at least not that I’ve encountered yet…
I don’t want to die, mostly because the fear of the unknown, I just want to escape.
Thanks for listening 🙂
3 comments
*hug* You are such a strong, amazing individual, I really admire you. I remember a girl at my high school who couldn’t talk in front of people or to people and it seemed to physically hurt her because she foudn it so difficult. Hardly the same, but I can sympathise with your feelings.
I too, was a severe social outcast because of the way I acted and talked in school. In elementary (or primary as it’s called here in the UK) school I basically never spoke and I couldn’t think fast enough in converstations to respond. All the kids shut me out and I remember them pretending I had a disease and refusing to come near me except to beat me up.
In high school this meant I was paranoid and had a serious lack of social expereiicne which led to me rarely talking and looking like a freak. I avoided even my friends because I found trying to understand the social conversations, body language and everythign else too hard. I was rarely invited back to my friends’ houses after they realised I was ‘wierd’ and I was told to not talk if I did so I wouldn’t embarrass them in front of their families. It drove me insane trying to find what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t act normal and it drove a lot of my friends away as they didn’t want to have to cope with my issues. Eventually they all went to college and I was left all alone.
Although I cannot even imagine how hard your high school years must have been, I understand some levels of that lonliness.
I hope you find the courage to tell your friend about your issues and your feelings, a good friend will understand anything, or will try to.
HS Will always be hell for people like us. once ur out, u see the ”real world”. and it gets better. it still depends on ones actions if they want to start fresh again or not. you have the ability to controll that and not ur bullies anymore
A more nderstanding therapist may be able to help you.
Seems like CBT would probably help you quite a bit.
Long term guided practice relating to people to get you on an even keel.
Try talking to different therapists until you find one you can be comfortable with.