no hope really

Was in a lot of pain, anguish today.  I really only feel like anger is the only way for me to feel any sense of normalcy and it’s getting me nowhere.  Somehow I”m still able to maintain a job, but my relationship with my supervisors is bad.

I was however able to nap.  Usually, I’m too uncomfortable to do so.  My body just doesn’t feel right.  Having enough sanity to know that I’m not well does not count for me enough sometimes.  I suppose it does represent a type or shred of sanity, but what about actually feeling good?  It’s true, not everyone gets to feel good or have a good life.  Why should I expect any different?  I feel like hell, I’ve felt this way for a long time.  It’s hard for me not to blame God with the belief that if he wanted things different he could make them so, but again, why should I be any different than anybody else?  Been thinking, I’d rather just slit my throat.  Got nothing to look forward to really.