Nobody understands me in my life. I can come on here all I want but it doesn’t change the fact that those I live with will never get to know the real me. My friends and family will never understand what goes on in my thinking process. It is really hard cause when I’m at school, family functions, or at church everyone looks at me. I can see disappointment and frustration. It saddens me that those I love will never understand.
What also saddens me is that the little amount of friends I have and my two BEST friends are moving further and further away from me. Its like they don’t care anymore. They don’t talk to me anymore, they don’t take time to listen…they did a month ago. They did before I was put in the hospital. They did when I was so bitter and angry at everyone and the world. Now that I am out of the hospital it is like everyone thinks I’m cured! Well let me tell you one thing….I’m not. I may not think of suicide EVERY night anymore, but if anything I have gotten worse. I have gone down the self destruction road and I don’t care what happens to me anymore. I don’t fear death…I welcome it in the smallest ways that I can right now. Though my blades are locked up most of the time I still cut…I still feel depressed.
Suicide seems selfish to those who have never experienced depression. It seems stupid to them and the “easy” way out. Well it isn’t. To me it isn’t selfish taking my life when all I do everyday is suffer mentally and emotionally…when I feel depressed or angry or cut deep down in my skin. It doesn’t seem selfish to leave behind my family because all they do is criticise me anyway…they might miss me for a couple of days but it will make their lives better and they will forget about me. People are clueless over how much suffering I am going through! Nobody in my life understands what I am going through and it just makes the process so much more difficult!
1 comment
i know exactly how you feel. i went to the hospital too and i was such a good liar that i was able to trick the psyche evaluator that i was fine and that it was all a mis understanding. i mean why would anyone want to hang themselves with a belt?? even though its all i thought about. i dreamed about it. People are clueless and after that i lost one of the best friends i had ever had. she just never looked at me the same after my trip to the hospital. its horrible to know how naive and stupid and selfish people are. they dont know what its like to be a cutter (i do so i know what your going through). i dont want to stop cutting. it makes me feel so much better but they said they would send me away for good so i have to stop cutting and its really hard. i wanted to cut tonight because found out my dad is cheating on my mom again and she wont accept it nor will my father admit it. ugh i fucking hate my life and i know exactly what you are feeling and going through,