Want to die

I am fat and ugly and 36 and I want to die.  I have had suicidal longings since I was 9 years old – I always felt wrong,  ugly, humiliated by my size.  I still feel the same way, even with over 8 years of therapy, antidepressants, you name it.  I am just so exhausted with trying and just ending up back in the black hole again.  Now I find out I will most likely lose my job, which is one of the only good things in my life.  I feel like tearing myself to shreds.  I want to go to sleep and never wake up – it just hurts too much.  I am obsessed with a celebrity and it is very pathetic.  I google him every day and have watched all his stuff.  I even have read the books he has read so that I feel closer to him.  Pathetic?  Yes.  I am too afraid to meet real men so I have built a fantasy world.  What else is an ugly, fat, loser supposed to do?  I feel I have wasted most of my life being severely depressed and now it is too late for many things like children, family.  I know it is a medical condition, but it steals your life – it has stolen many many years from me.  I think I am still alive because I do not want to set a bad example for my family by dying, especially my nieces and nephew.  At my lowest I think of them and have pictures of them all over to remind me.  Looking at pictures of the celebrity makes me feel like there are nice people out there, sensitive people who are nice and good.  Has anyone else experienced this obsession?  I would like it to stop but I feel it is giving me a reason to live i  in a weird way.  God I am a loser, I just can’t stand it.  So sick of it.  I have huge shoulders and a huge belly – I look like a fat man!  Why would God make someone look like that?  Why??!!  Men look at me and want to puke.  So do I and it hurts so much to be alone.