Sometimes I wonder if wanting to die is just trying to connect body to mind, because I feel dead inside, and I have for a long time.
Nothing’s changed in my life. I’m still a 26-year old student assistant. I should be happy to even have a job, but I have to pay $250 quarterly just to keep it. And I’m only taking classes to have the job, so it’s not like that’s adding up to anything useful. I have no worth, here.
I have no friends. No, really, I don’t. Not one. I have people that call me every four months to tell me that something great happened to them–“I got married,” “I’m pregnant,” “I’m going to Paris for a year,” “I made my first million,” “I finally got my dream job.” And I’m listening to them, like, “I don’t care. Why are you calling me?”
I have no skills, no talents, no ambition, and no desire to change it. I went back to school, last fall, hoping to. I’ve failed every class since, so I’m withdrawing from the institution. Depressed, again. Failed, again. Disappointed, again. And now with loans! I feel like everyone’s watching me fail, and it’s just worse. And I’m about to turn 27. So, why don’t I just die?
But recently, I’ve learned that I’m a coward. I can’t go through with it. I tried pills once. It was painful and I didn’t make it. I lived. I used to think that I was staying alive because I wanted to know why God was making me suffer. But there’s nothing. 15 years later and nothing has changed. I’m still… I’m still nothing.
Why can’t I do it, damn it? Why can’t I do it when I know existing hurts so much more?
5 comments
You sound like an older me, and i can 100% relate with you. I see no more purpose in my life at 20 years old, and things are only getting worse for me. But maybe your failed at suicide attempt means that you werent meant to die just yet, for what ever reason. I know i sound like a total hypocrite since im days away from attempting the same thing, but i still didnt try it, so i dont even know if im meant to die know either. But just give it a little more time before you make another attempt, you should try to do some fun things to say you did something before you’re gone. Like go on vaction or something and enjoy youself, it may even change your mind. I know my advice may be useless, but i felt like telling you that i know exactly what you are going through. You arent alone my friend….
I’m 20 as well, yes I think you’re me in the future, everything you said I can relate to
Same here, you also are and older me. I’m 19.
Things only get worse this way, I can’t give you some advice but maybe a comment makes you feel a little better and less lonely
Hey man. I’m 24…and I’ve been struggling with loneliness, worthlessness, other negative crap since I was 12. I’ve seen one counselor while in high school. She sucked. Horribly. Then another one my last year of college. She was better, but when my feelings and thoughts and behavior came back I began to make her and those who knew me believe that I was doing better. I’ve tried explaining to them before how these thoughts that come to me are just one little epiphany after another telling me who I really am…and that those are truths and no one will believe it. They won’t open their eyes! They might say something like, “oh, hush, you’re not useless. there’s plenty you’re good at”, but just for their own gratification I think. I’ll reply, “what am i good at?”. They will just stare at me blankly…no answer.
So. I tried killing myself with a .45 handgun, either a colt or a sig. Neighbor suspected something was up, peeked around, called my school counselor since they knew each other, counselor called me, and we talked. I tried convincing her that I was gonna do it. I had everything set in place! I even wrote a few letters. Somehow, she talked me into letting her know my address so police could come and detain me. I unloaded my magazine. Sat on the porch and just thought about everything. They took me to a mental institution and I was there for 3 weeks. Somehow things changed. I began to feel more hopeful for things I still need to do before I die. I’m currently on 2 meds for depression and anxiety: Cymbalta and Welbutrin. Fun stuff. Two years have passed and I learned about a lot of reasons I began having depression (one being a chemical imbalance in my brain).
I still have problems, yes, but I have learned to fight back. And though many people think I’m too weird to befriend, I have found a few guys who haven’t bullied me or treated me like crap, and they’re almost just as weird as me. So. I don’t really know if you think this is supposed to help you overcome depression or make you wanna do it more, but I hope I was able to encourage you in some way. Take care.
hi im new to this forum, I don’t know who you are, I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment,
to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.
we all have problems and some think i cant take anymore, let me ask you a question, if an old women or man fell in the street would you run and help them them? if the answer is yes then you have a fullfillment to do in life, if not then you need help, your condition may be medical and you need to seek help, dont worry many people go through this stage because they can not cope, simple medication can help,
also seek out voluntary help jobs in your area. go and help someone else this will make you feel hapy knowing that you have helped someone else and will give you meaning of life!, i hope my words will help someone, thank you