I just don’t know anymore…

For the past 2 years, I’m 14 by the way, I’ve been dealing with depression. Major depression. I remember even when I was 12, when everything started- there would be voices in my head that called me so many things that it would be impossible to get them out. Even with counseling, no matter what I poured out it was never enough. There was this big empty gap in my soul and every second, every minute, and every hour of my life it would just keep getting bigger. Last year, I found myself completely gone. I went hysteric and I tried to commit suicide. The voices in my head, they were like the bullies in my school. They pushed me around and told me that I should just go and kill myself. The world would be better without a girl like me, after all, I’m a mistake right? At least, that’s what everyone says.

I get how therapists or counselors tell me to ignore the words people constantly throw at me, but how can I when I’m hated for something I never did? How can I ignore them when all I’m trying to do is be myself. “Freak.” “Anorexic *****.” “Cutter.” “Emo.” “Attention Whore.” “Suicidal Mother fucker.” Those words hurt and everyone whose ever been bullied, knows that fully well.

At the young age of 12 and 13, I already had thoughts of cutting myself and even suicide. I would lie awake at night praying not to wake up the next morning. Or at least, to rid myself of the voices and wake up, realizing it was all just a dream but I gave up on that. This is life and for me, it’s a living nightmare. It’s hell. I’ve gone to numerous people for advice, but I can’t be saved. Everyday, I tell myself that it’ll be different but every time I move up from my current state, I fall back 2 steps and I’m frozen. I can’t move on.

My arms, legs, my body is a battlefield. Filled with scars of previous battles that I’ve both won and lost. I can’t take this depression. It’s a disease that overtakes every fiber within me, that spreads through my head and drives me over the edge. I would break down no matter what situation I’m in and I would lose it all. I have no friends to turn to, in real life but there would be those online, but they’re not here. It’s different and I know that.

All the words people have thrown at me, they build up over the years. Countless of them would turn into this big monster and they would enter my dreams, and it would just be a cycle. I would cut, then stop. Go to sleep and they’d be back. I can never get one single moment of rest.

During my time on the internet, Tumblr/Quizazz/Twitter, I would be people’s therapist. I would be there to tell them that everything’s okay. I’m going through the same things that they’re going through and I’d give them advice. In the end of every “talk” we’d have, they’d feel better. They would tell me that if it wasn’t for me, they would have hurried off to end their lives. I always wished I could say that to somebody. Here’s a sample of something I’ve once said to this girl, who I never knew would later turn out to be one of my best friends.

“I want you to know that you are always good enough. There will be things that you won’t succeed in, but that’s okay. Like I said before, we’re not perfect. Self harming isn’t the solution. Suicide is NEVER the escape. If you’re ever thinking of cutting, put the blade down. Find a different escape. Ignore the hate. No more; “I cut to release the pain”. Fight the pain. Because trust me, you’re worth it and anyone who brings you down and says you aren’t, they’re blind. Blind by their own flaws that they try to find every little bad thing in others and pushes it against them to make their selves feel better.”

 

Even when I tell people to fight the pain, I can never fight mine. The inner demons within me has just – I can’t fight it. I tell everyone to never give up, but it feels like the person telling them that, has already given up. I know I haven’t but it feels like I have. I just feel like I don’t care anymore. No one cares. I’m 14 and I know I’m too young to feel this way, I have so much to live for but for once, I don’t know anything anymore. I try, I really do try but I don’t even know how I feel, I don’t even know if I want to keep going on…