if you were me:

Right now you’re sitting in your room, all alone and feeling sad. There are a thousand things you know you could do that will cheer you up, but you can’t find the energy to do any of them. And so you just sit there and feel sad. You’d listen to music, but you know that won’t take your mind of things. Because the music you like has words and emotions, right now you can barely speak and can’t help feeling nothing but apathy for the world and everyone in it. Nothing matters and it’s all pretty meaningless. And then you’re suddenly thinking about the meaning of life, which is always dangerous. It’s dangerous because there is no meaning and you don’t need yet another reminder of that. At times life seems exactly like a team sport in a compulsory lesson at school; something you’re expected to give a shit about but you just can’t get past the uselessness of it all- what does catching a ball gain? How does winning make any fucking difference to anything? And again, you’re back to the meaning of life- and there isn’t one. And you don’t have a meaning to your life either, nobody does and nobody ever will. Even the dead who have done great and memorable things will eventually be forgotten. Our world will eventually be forgotten, because our world is burning itself out and destroying itself. That’s kind of what’s happening to you, really, you’re trying so hard yet you can’t stop yourself from breaking apart and in doing so,  you’re destroying yourself and everyone and everything else as you go down. Like the world, you are simply a negative energy, inadvertently destroying things with your sadness and anger at your apathy. And that scares you, it really does scare you shitless. Because all you want to do is go down alone. That’s what you want. You want to fade completely into the scenery to the point where you disappear, you want it to stop. You want everything to stop. But it won’t stop. And it won’t stop if you’re gone either, because like you the world is destroying itself. And everyone will be affected eventually. And you know that thinking like this isn’t going to help you in the slightest, it’s going to make it worse. But that doesn’t stop you from typing this all out in the second person, trying to find some understanding, whether it’s you understanding yourself, or others understanding you. And then you ask yourself why you need someone to understand. Because what difference does someone feeling the same make to you? None. No difference at all. But still you’re typing this and you don’t know why. And you’ve accidentally made yourself all too aware of your own presence and all you can feel is your back against the wall, and your bed beneath you, and your feet are cold because they’re just dangling off the bed and you’re only wearing thin black socks and it’s cold because the window’s open but you can’t find the energy or the inclination to switch from your uncomfortable position or to shut the window and that just reinforces your earlier point about knowing exactly what to do but feeling too flat and lifeless to do anything about it.And now you’re suddenly remembering the last time you felt completely flat and lifeless: It was last month and you’d gone out to buy a drink and you were walking home and it was raining really heavily and it was freezing and you were wearing a pair of thin and silly black socks with flat black pumps and your feet were soaked and then you accidentally stepped in a freezig puddle and you felt literally nothing but numb sadness and then you asked yourself whjy you were even bothering with your umbrella because it wasn’t keeping the rain off and what difference does rain make anyway? So you took down your umbrella and continued to walk head down through the puddles until you got home and still you felt nothing and that scared you and made you feel sad. When you got home, there was no one there and that made you both happy and sad because you knew you were on the edge of a breakdown of some kind and you wanted both comfort and solitude and you were so fucking confused that you cared and didn’t care at the same time so you got in the shower and made it really hot but you continued to feel nothing so you just stood under the hot water for ages just waiting to feel something… And after typing and recalling that you still feel nothing and your back still hurts from your position but you can’t make yourself move for whatever reason and your feet are cold and you’re just as confused as ever. And again, you’re now suddenly wondering what people will think when they read this and you both care and don’t care what they’ll think because you know that in reality it won’t really make any difference to you but at the same time you kind of what them to comment and say what they think because you just want to know that people know this and see how you feel, even though they’re strangers and anyway, you’re not even sure how you feel.  And right now you think you feel like you want to jump from somewhere high up, not to die necessarily, but in order to feel something real. You want an adrenaline rush, you want to experience that thrill of fear that reminds you that you’re alive and you give a shit because you’re not sure what you feel anymore and pain is too complex to define properly and every emotion you feel is because they’re so fucking impermanent and ever changing but that doesn’t change the fact that right now you just feel strange and like you don’t exist and shouldn’t exist and you’re just still so fucking messed up about everything and you’re not sure why you feel like this because it doesn’t make sense for you to, but you do feel that way and you don’t think that will change.